My child is being bullied - now what?

1. get a picture

Children often do not speak up about a bullying situation. For fear of being seen as a tattletale, out of shame or because they fear that their parents will make things worse by reacting too quickly. Parents usually conclude from observations in everyday life that something is wrong.

Bullying could be a problem if, for example, your child doesn't want to go to school, makes excuses to stay at home and is evasive when you ask them why.

It is helpful if you share your observations with the teacher to complete the picture. The teacher often only has a vague suspicion, as bullying usually takes place covertly.

It is important that the conversation does not feel like an interrogation for your child.

A suspicion of bullying is substantiated if the teacher tells you, for example, that your child always wants to stay in the classroom during the break or stands off to the side in the playground. If there are such signs, you can ask further questions: «Do classmates groan when my child says something? Do they roll their eyes?»

Make sure that you do not reproach the teacher. If there is an open exchange, say thank you and ask if you can approach the teacher again.there are no signs that definitely indicate bullying. However, findings such as those above should be a reason to talk to the child.

2. address the bullying

Never put your child on the defensive when you talk to them about your observations. Sentences like «Tell me what's going on!» or «I can tell something's wrong!» put pressure on the child and make them feel like they have to justify themselves.

We need a good framework for an open exchange. Children often find it easier if the discussion takes place casually - during a walk, a puzzle or after a bedtime story.

You should also allow enough time for this conversation with teenagers. Bring up the subject while you are on a long car journey or outing together. Your child has probably been holding back their experiences for so long that they don't want to burst out with them between the doors. You can start the conversation with a statement such as:

• «Im Moment hast du es nicht so gut mit den anderen.»
• «Mir ist aufgefallen, dass du in letzter Zeit bedrückt wirkst.» 
• «Es macht dir momentan zu schaffen, in die Schule zu gehen.» 

You can also talk about an experience of your own, a time when things were difficult at school or with other children. If your child opens up, you should definitely avoid accusations such as: «Why didn't you tell us sooner? We could have helped you» or «Why didn't you tell the teacher?».

It is important that the conversation does not feel like an interrogation for your child. You give your child support by responding to their feelings («that must make you sad», «you would have liked to punch him in the face», «you lose all desire to go to school») and reassure them that you will support them and will not do anything without their consent.

If children are tormented over a long period of time, they sometimes lose their awareness of right and wrong. They themselves begin to believe that they are to blame for the bullying. In this case, it is very important that you repeatedly help your child to categorise the incidents correctly and tell them very clearly that these incidents are inexcusable.

3. become active

Discuss several possible solutions with your child and decide together how you would like to proceed. Do not act hastily. Often you are so upset at first that you do something that makes the situation worse for the child. These measures are not advisable:

• Die Akteure direkt konfrontieren oder deren Eltern anrufen. 
•  Umgehend rechtliche Schritte einleiten (eine Ausnahme bildet hier Cybermobbing – dort sollten Sie genau dies als Erstes tun!).
•  Das Kind zwingen, selbst das Gespräch mit der Lehrperson zu suchen.
• Dem Kind Ratschläge erteilen und darauf beharren, dass es diese annehmen soll («Nimm es dir nicht zu Herzen»).

Bullying among classmates must be resolved at school. They therefore need support. In most cases, the people best trained to deal with bullying are school social workers. If there isn't one at your school, you can talk to the teacher about it.

Ask whether the school has a concept for dealing with bullying and how exactly the teacher would proceed. Other people you can consult are the school management, school psychologists or the school board. It is important for your child to realise: My parents will continue to look for a solution until I feel better.

Also make sure that the enjoyable aspects of life are not neglected. Especially in these difficult times, it is important that your child realises: «There are people who like me and enjoy being with me - and it is important to them that I exist. Despite everything, there are many things in my life that give me strength and that I can enjoy.»

You can help your child the most if, on the one hand, you persistently stand up for the bullying situation to be resolved and, at the same time, ensure that your child can always take time out.