My child is afraid of new things
New people, new experiences, new dishes - everything that Leander, 5, doesn't know initially triggers a strong defence reaction. His parents are constantly faced with the question: How do we deal with this? Should we challenge Leander or go easy on him? They often get into arguments over these questions. Leander's father is just as bothered by his son's fears as he is by his wife's «gentle attitude». He can hardly stand his son's overprotective behaviour. He sees it as unmanly and worries that his son is «down with the other boys this way». Leander keeps hearing from his father that he «shouldn't behave like that». Leander's mother defends her son each time. She feels she has to defend her child against the demands of his father, who «just doesn't understand him».
War-traumatised children from the former Yugoslavia hid under the desks. The teacher sat down with them and taught them under the table.
Being rather anxious and cautious herself, she can better understand her child's fears. She makes sure that everyday life runs along familiar lines and organises everything so that Leander encounters as few stressful situations as possible. She doesn't go on any outings and avoids visitors. Leander grows up with virtually no contact with other children, as there are always scenes when other children come too close to him, «borrow» his toys or do something that irritates him.
They only go to the playground when there aren't too many other children around. While Leander's father is increasingly bothered by the ever-narrower radius of movement, his mother has come to terms with it. However, her stress level rises considerably when he starts school and the outside world makes increasing demands on him. She feels compelled to explain her child's behaviour to more and more people. She feels left alone by her husband, who is embarrassed and says: «You can't ask everyone to wrap our son in cotton wool.» Leander's mother increasingly sees the outside world as an enemy against which she must protect her child. How can parents get out of this situation and support their child? In our seminars, we have repeatedly encountered parents who have very cautious children and have found a positive way of dealing with them. I found the following points particularly helpful.
Explore new things slowly
One mother told us that her child had great difficulty with new situations when she came to school from kindergarten: «She had stomach pains from the first day of the holiday,» the mother reported. I then asked the girl what made her so anxious. She said that the journey was so far and that she was afraid she wouldn't be able to manage it on her own. The school building, the teacher and the class were new and she had no idea what to expect. Her mother practised walking to school with her during the holidays and visited the school building with her.
The second time they were there, the caretaker cleaned the floors and even let them take a look at the future classroom. The mum said: «My daughter needs time - the more she is allowed to look at something in peace, the more concrete it becomes andthe better she can imagine what is to come, the more she loses her fear. She just needs to know: This is where I'm going to go, this is where I'm going to sit, this is what's in store for me. We did the same thing at the class camp: we just went there and looked at the camp house and the surroundings.»
After three months of watching, the girl danced with
Children like this girl or Leanderexperience time and again that their behaviour and feelings disturb other people. As a result, they quickly see themselves as failures. However, it is important that they feel understood and accepted so that they can develop confidence and the courage to face difficult situations. In this way, they can also better understand their own feelings. For example, parents can say: «It's getting too much for you right now, isn't it? Come on, let's sit on the bench and watch for a while.» This phase of observation is very important for cautious children. They want to be allowed to feel their way into new situations.
If adults do not accept that children need more time, this can have serious consequences.
consequences.
If the child's pace is not respected, this can have serious consequences. When a boy in kindergarten wanted to watch gymnastics at first, the kindergarten teacher said in the second week: «Either you join in now or you're out! I can't fry an extra sausage for everyone.»
The boy was then so afraid of the nursery school teacher that he refused to go to nursery school for weeks. A dance teacher handled the situation very differently. She simply let a girl watch: She stood on the sidelines in her leotard and watched what was happening with great interest. The teacher asked each time: «Would you like to join in today?» After three months, she was suddenly standing in the line - and everyone was surprised to realise that she could dance along to the choreography.
Pressure off - and it works
If children can understand themselves and accept their own feelings, it is easier for them to deal with them. Parents can encourage them to face these feelings in small steps. Cautious children should hear the message: «I know you'll be able to do this eventually. You can take your time and go at your own pace - I'll support you.»
A teacher and curative educator explains: «After the war in Yugoslavia, we had many traumatised children at our school. Some children hid under the table. I then sat down with them. During this time, I often taught under the desks. They first had to learn that they were safe at school. I kept suggesting to them that we could also sit on the chairs. At some point, they were ready.»
It is important that we do not simply label children who need time and give them the feeling that they «will never be able to do it anyway». Without pressure, we can keep making them offers and express confidence that the day will come when they will have the necessary courage to face a new situation. And when the time comes, we can rejoice together with the child that their range of movement has grown.
Quick tips
Children who are afraid of new situations benefit when parents and teachers:
- ihnen dabei helfen, ihre Gefühle zu verstehen.
- akzeptieren, dass sie mehr Zeit benötigen.
- immer wieder Zuversicht äussern, dass das Kind eines Tages soweit sein wird und ihm Angebote machen.
- neue Situationen mit ihm auskundschaften oder das Kind zuerst beobachten lassen.
- dem Kind zeigen, was es sagen und tun kann, wenn es gestresst ist («ich brauche noch ein wenig Zeit» oder «ich möchte zuerst nur zuschauen»).
More on the topic of fears:
- Mama, mach das Monster weg!
Während der Kindergartenzeit durchleben Kinder viele Ängste. Manches erscheint in den Augen eines Erwachsenen unverständlich. Doch bagatellisieren hilft nicht: Eltern müssen ihren Kindern zeigen, wie sie mit ihren Ängsten umgehen können. - Mein Kind hat Angst
Die Angst vor der Schule, vor Monstern, dem Fremden — Ängste sind bei Kindern etwas ganz Normales. Aber woher kommt dieses Gefühl und wie kann es überwunden werden?
