My child doesn't listen to me!

Children and young people who don't listen are incredibly annoying for teachers and parents. I know that from experience. The only thing I remember from my kindergarten days is the annoyed look on her face and the words: «Fabian! Are you listening!» I wasn't being cheeky, I was just always somewhere else. I listened to the story for three minutes and then I thought of what to do next. Some children are dreamy, others - especially teenagers - block out their parents. What can we as parents do to make children and young people listen to us?

How a dreamy child listens to you

The dreamy nature of my childhood has stayed with me. And unfortunately, it still happens that people who are important to me get annoyed. My three-year-old son, on the other hand, knows how to deal with people like me.

When he comes home and I'm engrossed in my work or a book, he stalks me. He puts his little hand on my knee and waits until I look at him. Then he says, «Daddy?», and makes an artful little pause that gives me time to nod.

Secondly, he warns me: «I want to tell you something ...» Now he waits for my «Yes?» and says, to emphasise the seriousness of his intention: «Something long.»

Some young people don't listen because they feel unheard and misunderstood.

Sometimes I almost have the feeling that he is secretly reading my psychology books. In any case, he has internalised the principle of «acting instead of talking» by bringing me into the here and now by touching me and making eye contact first to secure my attention.

And by telling me what he intends to do - and thus giving me the opportunity to prepare myself. While we can secure the attention of younger children relatively well by observing a few communication rules and, for example, getting down to eye level and looking at the child first, conversations with teenagers are often much more challenging.

How young people listen to you

Parents of adolescents often have the feeling that they are talking to a wall. The adolescents do not accept the good advice, show no understanding and behave unruly and impulsively. It has now become popular to explain this behaviour of adolescents with restructuring processes in the brain.

But it could also be - at least from time to time - that the young people don't listen because they have the feeling that the adults have nothing to say. Nothing worth listening to, at least.

Some young people don't listen because they feel unheard and misunderstood. They have the feeling that their parents are only interested in what they do and don't do, what goals they achieve, how they should think and how they should feel. Young people need their parents.

Many conversations in families take place as if someone had written a script for a play.

But they want to go their own way, develop and defend their own points of view and not be a product of their parents. They are more likely to open up and listen if they feel that people are taking them seriously and at least trying to engage with their world.

For teenagers, conversations with their parents sometimes sound like this: Teenager: «Everyone's going to the party. If I'm the only one who doesn't go, I'll be the outsider again.» Parents: «School is important. If you want a good job later on, you have to stay on the ball.»

There may be a few more sentences in between. But young people often know exactly what it will lead to. And the legitimate question arises as to why you should even bother having a conversation.

Many conversations in families take place as if someone had written a script for a play that is performed over and over again - with the same dialogues and the same outcome.

Change the script

When conversations are scripted, there are two things you can do: keep your own lines and hope that the other person suddenly changes their part - or change your own role, your own part, and let yourself be surprised at what turn the play will take.

The second option is more exciting and brings movement into the play. Especially if you take on an interesting new role. If you realise that up to now you've mainly taken on the role of the prosecutor and have been heckling the young person or judging their behaviour as a judge, you could slip into the role of the detective.

Find out more about your child by asking more detailed questions. Try to find out, as impartially as possible, what hidden motives drive your child's actions, what perspective they take, what is important to them at the moment and why they find it difficult to accept your advice.

Perhaps a change of perspective will help you to rethink your arguments or present them differently.

You can imagine that you are a journalist. Write a dramatic account of the discussions that take place, highlighting the various actors and their actions. Write about yourself in the third person: Rita enters her son's room.

The smell of muddy trainers and youthful vapours immediately fills her nose. «What does it look like here again! Can't you clean it up once in a while? And how it stinks in here!» she nags at her offspring.

Her son takes up a defensive position, crosses his arms lasciviously behind his head and leans back in his office chair. The video game is playing in the background. It's this pose that breaks the camel's back ... You can look at the text the next day, perhaps smile about it or think about how the process could be changed.

You could also take on the role of your child's advocate and put together some notes for a fiery defence speech - for example, about why it's perfectly normal for teenagers to be more interested in friendships than school.

This doesn't mean that you abandon your position - but perhaps the change of perspective will help you to rethink your arguments or present them differently. From time to time, it's worth thinking about which plays you're tired of - and where it would be useful and interesting to change the performance a little.