Mrs Stamm, why do children play so little these days?

Mrs Stamm, why do children play far too little these days?

Free play, i.e. play in which adults do not determine how, where and what children play, has a different value than it did 15 or 20 years ago. The average value of 300 parents in our study showed that adults simply find this childish play banal. So it plays a subordinate role in everyday life.

Why is it banal when children play together?

Because it doesn't fit into our adult world. It is not goal-orientated. Time is a precious commodity in our society. We have too little time for ourselves, and that also applies to the children themselves. What's more, free play causes anxiety in many adults.

Why?

Free play is associated with many fears. Many parents are worried that their children might hurt themselves in dangerous places if they go outside. Or that they might get dirty.

The German researcher Hans Bertram has established that free play has decreased by 50 per cent over the last 15 years. What are the reasons for this?

Firstly, overanxiety, as already mentioned. This also includes driving the child to school or supervising them outside while they play. Secondly, early intervention. Parents believe they have to be constantly active. However, they confuse good early childhood education with the number of early education classes the child should attend. As a result, the children's weekly programme is extremely busy and there is little time to play outside or in the neighbourhood or simply to be bored.

Perhaps there is insecurity behind it. You just want to do everything right.

I call this parental determinism. Today, parents are always told that it's their fault if something doesn't go well with their children. That didn't exist when I was a mum, when we were able to let the children grow much more. Today, parents are blamed for everything. My theory is that children today grow up much more sheltered, and many problems arise from this overprotection. But it's not the parents who are to blame, it's society. It was society that constantly told parents how much they should look after their children. And today they behave just as anxiously and insecurely.

What does child learning mean in the educational sense?

Children's learning is learning in an everyday environment in which they can develop all their senses - emotional, social, cognitive, tactile and motor skills.
Early intervention can also be positive. Research has shown that children today can actually do much more. They can write earlier and do maths earlier than 20 years ago. But quite a few are emotionally and socially retarded. They can't wait, feel like royalty and so on. Emotional development is also education.

Boredom is an important educational principle.

Margrit Stamm

So the whole structured leisure programme is actually unnecessary?

Courses are not fundamentally bad. But if a child only goes to classes instead of playing outside, this is unfavourable. Three to four courses a week alongside kindergarten or primary school is too much for most children. A quarter or half an hour a day outside is not enough.

What about nature, the forest?

This is the best early childhood education. After talks, many mums tell me that they don't have time to take their children to the forest. They drive them to the climbing centre, for example, wait there and drive them back again. That also takes time. The idea that a child can be prepared for the rigours of life in courses, whereas a child could be overwhelmed in the forest, this discrepancy has become ingrained in people's minds. I think that's wrong.

The opposite is also true. Many people are suspicious of mothers who don't take their children to hobbies at least once a week.

I often hear that too. Such parents tell me how difficult it is to swim against the tide. It takes a lot of emotional energy to make sure you're doing well. Mums often fight each other. That's terrible!

Reconciling family and career is very difficult in Switzerland. It's not possible without a synchronised week.

Mums and dads then also have a guilty conscience, precisely because the week is so well planned. At the weekend, you want to work off that guilty conscience and therefore do a lot of things with the children again.

Instead of doing nothing, at the risk of being bored?

Boredom is an important parenting principle. But when parents have a guilty conscience at the weekend and suddenly let their children get on with it, they feel even more remorse: Man, am I a slacker to just lie on the sofa now and leave my children to their fate. But boredom is something that needs to be rediscovered.

In the end, however, everyone is exhausted.

Exactly. I know very well what it's like when your son plays football, your daughter goes horse riding and you suddenly become a family ruled by others. But I also know that the most important thing as a parent is to take a critical look in the mirror.

What do you mean?

You have to recognise yourself. But you can't always just consult experts or read advice books because your child is nervous or has a tummy ache. You have to start with yourself and ask yourself whether the symptoms might have something to do with your parenting style.

What should you ask yourself?

What is our goal in education? How do we want our children to develop? What is important to us? And then perhaps lean back and ask ourselves: How successful do we actually want our child to be? The Swiss school system in particular offers many opportunities. It allows the child to be a dreamer, not to take the direct route and to take off as a late bloomer. But this is only possible if you also let go.

Even if you do this as a parent, you also have to stand up for your dreaming child with the teachers. That takes a lot of energy.

That is true. But I hear something different from many teachers. They say: We would be so in favour of letting the children grow more. But it's the parents who are putting so much pressure on them. I think the truth lies somewhere in between, but it's not just the school or the teachers that are putting pressure on the children. There is parental ambition. And: I believe that parents sometimes don't judge their children objectively either. Especially in the case of parents who are keen on education. They often have a very high idea of their child's intellectual potential. Yet they often only have normally intelligent, but good children with perhaps a talent for craftsmanship.

What is a child's core competence?

Three things are needed for a child to be successful in the long term. Firstly, a good self-concept. This means that the child feels that they are a good person and has confidence in themselves and their abilities. The second point is that they must have a certain tolerance for frustration. In other words, they must be able to overcome a hurdle without giving up or without mum and dad showing them how to do it. Thirdly: curiosity.

Free play is filled with fears. The child could get hurt.

Margrit Stamm

This is something that a person needs in order to be successful at school, willing to perform and motivated to learn. And to learn because it comes from themselves and not from parental pressure. These are all personality traits that should be emphasised in education. However, too little attention is usually paid to them. Intellectual abilities are over-emphasised.

Experts often say that many children do not feel well.

I agree with that. A study by Pro Juventute recently showed how many children feel bad and are prone to depression. If they are constantly being told by their parents that they have to do this and that and also bring home the corresponding grades, the result is that children often don't feel good.

Overprotection sounds so negative. Parents only want to protect their children.

A child who suffers is almost unbearable for parents. And when a child falls from a tree, it has consequences for the environment. They then say: But where was the mum or dad? Nevertheless, overprotection and fear send a message to the child: Life is dangerous. Children don't learn to prove themselves in risky situations. Dentists tell me that it is striking how many children have recently had front tooth fractures. One reason is that children no longer fall over properly because they no longer have the practice to do so. So they fall directly on their faces. And the call for safety precautions quickly becomes loud. It's a vicious circle!

You write books about parenting yourself, but you are decidedly against parenting guides. Why is that?

The amount of parenting literature parents can consume today is extreme. A new guide is published every week. All of them give the average parent the message: stop, think about it first and then consult us. As a result, parents listen to books instead of their gut. You always have the feeling that if I do something intuitively, it's not professional because it's not well-founded and because all the experts say something different. Yet intuition is a primal maternal and primal paternal element.

Why does nature play such an important role in free play?

The best early childhood education is the holistic development of all the senses. The forest is the perfect place for this. But that places high demands on parents. You have to go into the forest, the child gets dirty. That alone is unbearable for many parents. And then there's the worry that the child might eat something uncontrolled. Yet we know from research that children who come into contact with dirt a lot have less eczema, allergies and ADHD. But the forest as a play area simply doesn't fit in with our modern lifestyle.

How can parents encourage their children to play freely?

In Switzerland, it's relatively easy to find an area where a child can move around freely. You would have to deliberately look for such islands and go there about once a week. Without a destination! Finding a few leaves, branches and stones is enough. There is a study in which children were asked about their favourite place to play. The answer was: nature! Children prefer it to the playground or other artificial facilities.

What role do fathers play when it comes to play?

Fathers are sometimes less anxious. Attachment research shows that the woman and mother transfer emotional care to the child. The father challenges the child differently right from the start. He expects more from the child, he plays a lot more games that involve less of a protective element. It is very important for children to be brought up with both elements. As a consequence, however, it means that women have to accept that the man simply does things differently to them. Women are sometimes very dominant when it comes to parenting.

But a lot is also expected of women. Being a good mother, a perfect wife, having a career, looking good and being totally relaxed at the same time.

That is very true. My generation had the task of emancipating themselves as women. But I was lucky enough to finally be able to study at the age of 35 and go my own way. Many women, on the other hand, were denied professional emancipation. I notice that young women have emancipated themselves enormously as women, but are under huge pressure as mothers because they have to show that they fulfil all the requirements. This also creates a fear of being accused of something. That's why it's better not to give anything away within the family. It's called gatekeeping. But if you want a truly equal partnership, you also have to give things away.

How do you lure a teenager out to play freely?

If you have a child who is intrinsically motivated, i.e. chooses what they want to do themselves, your only task is to see whether they are functioning in the construct they have chosen. As a mother, you automatically sense this, you know whether he is doing well. If he is doing well, he will create the islands he needs for himself. They go out with colleagues, do sport, meet up on the playground or create their own spaces for relaxation.

What about the children who have no ideas of their own, who don't like anything?

Children who have no intrinsic motivation tend to be problematic. How could they when everything has always been prescribed to them!

What needs to be done?

If you have failed to give your children space in early childhood and also offer them constructive boredom, it is difficult. In puberty, parenting is practically over. However, a club can provide good help for a teenager.

So we should advise all small children: Go outside, lie down in a meadow and watch the birds?

Yes, exactly. Developing trust in yourself and in the world. That would be an important focus of parent education programmes.