Mrs Jensen, how do you build a good relationship with your child?

Helle Jensen has just returned from a seminar for teachers and other professionals that she led («Intelligence of the heart. How empathy makes children strong»). It's Sunday morning and her flight leaves in a few hours. Helle Jensen seems calm, composed and experienced. «I'm looking forward to your questions,» she says in her German with a Danish accent and smiles

Ms Jensen, according to studies, one in five teachers in Switzerland gives up their job in the first four years. Why is that?

I can't say for sure whether there are really that many, neither for Switzerland nor for Denmark. What I have noticed in my professional practice, however, is a high level of frustration that builds up in many teachers over the course of their working lives.

What do you attribute this to?

Many teachers today report high levels of stress and burnout. They are not focussed on themselves, but instead direct all their energy outwards: towards ensuring that there is peace in the classroom and that all children, including those with special needs, can follow their lessons. They demand discipline and obedience and rely on measures and methods that they have experienced in their own upbringing by parents and teachers. However, this no longer works today.

Why is that?

Because the role authority of the teaching profession no longer exists. Children no longer follow a person simply because they are their teacher. The social and cognitive development of a child takes place in relationships. It is therefore necessary for a teacher to be able to relate to the child, to empathise, to feel how they are feeling and what they need.

Then the child follows her?

Then the teacher has created a situation in which the child can engage with their demands.

«Many teachers feel helpless and blame the children.»

How can teachers build this relationship?

Teachers must first of all realise that they bear responsibility for the relationship with the respective pupil. As adults and due to their position at the school, they have more power than the children and young people. But it can be difficult to face up to this responsibility. Many teachers actually feel helpless and blame the children when the mood in the class is bad or there are conflicts.

What is your advice in such cases?

You can often see how a teacher loses their balance in moments of conflict. Their breathing becomes irregular and perhaps they are no longer as stable. They lose contact with themselves. When the teacher regains their balance, the child will also behave differently.

Can you give an example from your counselling practice?

There's a boy in year 5. His teacher has planned group work for this lesson, but knows that the pupil has difficulty with this form of teaching. She has therefore assigned him to a group of girls that she thinks the boy will get on well with.

But the teacher's plan doesn't work?

The pupil keeps getting up, sharpening his pencil and getting something to drink. The teacher repeatedly asks him to start the task. Then the boy heads for the door and says he has to go to the toilet. «No,» replies the teacher, «the lesson will be over in three minutes, you can wait.» He panics, grabs the teacher by the shoulders, pushes her aside and runs out of the classroom.

Did you speak to the teacher afterwards?

Yes, during a supervision session. She was at a loss, felt like a bad teacher, her authority was damaged. She wanted to know from me how she could resolve such a situation differently next time.

And how?

I first wanted to know what it was like for her, how she felt about the lesson. It's often the case that we only look at the child: What did the child do? How did it behave? What does he or she need? But I want to talk about the adult and their feelings first.

So they listen to the teacher...

... and see them in their difficult situation. I show empathy. This allows her to find inner peace. She is seen by someone and that feels good! And now she can also recognise the child's situation and name the fact that everything he has done, running around, sharpening his pencil, has only served to calm his inner turmoil. And she also sees that she has put him under pressure with her behaviour. Most teachers are very understanding of a child's situation. But at that moment, the child can't feel it, because all they get is correction: «Now start working.»

How could the teacher have shown more empathy for the pupil?

By asking him: How can I support you? What do you need? Of course the boy can't answer these questions, but she would have focussed his attention inwards. As a teacher, you can't get through to a child if they're not relaxed. If the child is restless or scared, then you have to recognise this as a teacher - only then is it possible to teach. It's about creating a good learning environment. And studies have shown that a good learning environment depends largely on the teacher being able to build good relationships with the pupils that are characterised by tolerance, respect, interest and empathy.

This is no easy task with 20 to 25 children in a class, at least five of whom have special needs.

I can't answer the question about the lack of human resources either. But I do know that every teacher has more resources than they use. If the teacher knows how to deal with these five restless children in their class, a lot is gained. And that is something that can be learnt. Twenty years ago, it was thought that being able to command respect was an innate ability. Today we know that most people can learn it.

How does that work?

By discovering your natural authority or authenticity. Every person has this within them. To do this, you have to listen to yourself and recognise what your own needs are and, in a second step, learn to express them in clear, genuine messages.

«When you are with yourself, you are better able to enter into constructive relationships.»

Let's talk again about the good learning environment that you mentioned earlier. In your book «Hellwach und ganz bei sich - Empathie und Achtsamkeit in der Schule», you present many meditation and mindfulness exercises that are designed to create a relaxed and calm classroom atmosphere. How can these be integrated into lessons?

This can be done very playfully and doesn't take long. Maybe five minutes at the beginning of the lesson. Older children may laugh at first. But that's okay. There is even an exercise where everyone laughs together. It's important that the pupils focus their attention on themselves, inwards. On their breath, on their body, their consciousness, their heart. These are skills that we are born with. It helps to remember and feel them, especially in stressful situations. To do this, you should practise in peace.

Should teachers also do these exercises?

Yes, absolutely. Meditation and mindfulness exercises help them to get in touch with themselves and recognise their own limits. Don't get me wrong, it's not about keeping children quiet. But we are all bombarded by so many external influences that we have lost our natural ability to feel inside ourselves. If we use these methods, we will regain this innate ability.

This calmness is therefore the prerequisite for feeling yourself and your own needs better again and therefore being able to approach the child more authentically. With a natural authority.

That's right. When a teacher comes under pressure, they quickly act in the heat of the moment and say or do things that only exacerbate the situation. That's human nature. But if you are calm, it is easier to enter into constructive relationships. This also applies to parents.

That sounds good - but in stressful situations, you quickly lose your cool, become impatient and perhaps even louder than you actually want to talk to your children. Unfortunately, this usually happens quite automatically.

Of course, in stressful situations you fly in autopilot mode. That's completely normal. But you can change this if you consciously work on it.

How does it work?

As in the teacher-child relationship, it is also important for parents to stay true to themselves, listen to their own needs and be authentic. There are various techniques or methods for this. You probably know one of them: take two deep breaths in and out and wait a moment for something other than the familiar pattern to emerge.

That simple?

Of course, it's also always about reflecting on yourself and your feelings, talking to your partner, a friend or even a professional about stressful moments. This is sometimes also possible in stressful situations themselves: «Please, I can't go on right now, I need to talk to you for a minute.»

"Basically, it's about learning as a parent: what can I do when I reach my limits?"

In front of the children?

Yes, reflecting out loud about what's going on in your life can also be done in front of your children. If a child hears their parents taking responsibility for their own feelings and gets help in a conversation to express them better, the child will also grow. Basically, it's about learning as a parent: What can I do when I reach my limits? You see, it is vital for a child to feel valuable. Of course it is valuable to its parents - but it doesn't always feel that way to the child. And if the child can't feel valuable, then it tries to get rid of this anxiety.

How does this manifest itself?

Some children become loud, others withdraw, others start to look after their mother so that she is happy. The manner varies, but the children always cooperate with our behaviour. Many parents want to lead a harmonious family life and yet always feel an inner restlessness: «What, so late already? Hurry up, we still have to do this and that.» And this checklist in your head takes away your presence as a parent - you're constantly preoccupied with it, so much so that you can't be with your children. It's all about helping your children to develop a good sense of self.

How do you do that?

By seeing the child. Let's take the example of a child who has difficulty settling down in the evening, is loud and cries a lot. This behaviour needs to be questioned. What is their intention? Perhaps they are saying: «It's too much for me, mum», «I want us to have time alone together now», «I can't calm down myself. Can you help me?». With this behaviour, the child doesn't want to hurt their parents or siblings. It is about expressing a feeling for which the child has no words. If they are seen or understood by their parents at this moment, it helps them to develop inner strength and express themselves better in such moments in the future.

How can parents make the stressful time between dinner and bedtime more relaxed?

Parents would do well to think about the end of their day, about a change of gear that allows all family members to calm down. Perhaps meditative exercises can help. But not as another item on the to-do list - but as a time of presence: listening to music, massaging each other. This is something that children actually miss, because we have so much to do that it is often difficult to really make the most of this short time in the evening. And that's a shame.

«If a mother takes on the role of a waitress and fulfils her child's every wish, that is not a high-quality relationship. The child can't see who their mother actually is.»

Is it because of our busy agendas?

There may be a connection between the parents' workload - both at work and at home - and the children's perception of stress. There are many children today with attention deficit disorders. The causes are many and varied, but one reason is certainly that we have too little time to relax and simply look at the sky. Many parents have very high expectations of themselves, everything has to be perfect. They forget about their own needs. If a mother takes on the role of a waitress and fulfils her child's every wish, this is not a high-quality relationship. The child can't see who their mother actually is. This is bad role modelling for a child and it also makes it difficult to build a relationship with them.

So the parent-child relationship is also about authenticity?

In any case. Those who are really present and authentic also have a different effect on their child. But from my observations, there are many more parents today who speak to their children in a very reflective way and at eye level than was the case in my day. I often observe this when I'm out and about with my grandchildren. You used to see a lot of children who were sad or angry. Today you see less conflict because parents are better with their children than they used to be. Mums and dads listen to their children more. Of course there are conflicts, but they tend to be more constructive. That's how I feel.

Read more:

• How do you practise mindfulness in everyday family life? We visited a family that tries it.
• How do children who lack secure attachments develop ?