Mrs Gassmann, what helps children during a separation?
Mrs Gassmann, what does it mean for a child when parents separate?
Three reactions are typical: Insecurity, fear of loss and feelings of guilt. Young children in particular do not know what will happen in the event of a separation. Above all, they cannot realise that parenthood will continue despite a separation. When parents argue, children hear that it's about them, even if it's not. This creates feelings of guilt and shame. In such extreme situations, parents unconsciously do not involve their children enough because they are so preoccupied with themselves. That's why it's important to give the child a voice. In my counselling sessions, I act as a kind of child advocate.
How do you do that?
One of the most important protective factors for children is that they have a trusted person during the separation phase with whom they can categorise the event and find strategies for coping. To do this, I need to know the children's needs. If the parents agree, the children come to me without them. Then it's about gaining the children's trust. My most important credo: I don't ask any questions. Because they close the children's hearts.
How else do you find out what children want?
I try to find out what they need in a playful way. For example, I draw two rudimentary houses on a flipchart: «Mum's house» and «Dad's house». The child automatically starts to draw and tell me what they like, what they miss and how they would like to organise their new home.
And what are the children's most important needs?
That mum and dad are there for them. After all, the child likes both of them and should not be caught in a conflict of loyalties. Consistent structures such as family rituals, reliable rules and binding agreements as well as constant carers in addition to the parents are also very important.
What consequences can separation or divorce have on a child's development?
Around one in three children changes their behaviour at school. These children either withdraw or become behaviourally conspicuous. School difficulties often occur between the ages of six and eight and during puberty. During these phases, the child builds up important stages of ego development - including the ability to concentrate. Parental separation can impair this process. It can also trigger compensatory behaviour: an increased use of social media accompanied by a loss of social contact or a change in eating and sleeping behaviour. It is also possible that the child's development is delayed or accelerated. With all these consequences, the more conflictual a separation is - i.e. the more arguments, anger and aggression - the worse it is for the child and the stronger the possible consequences.
What damage can remain into adulthood?
In my practice, I also advise adult individuals. Children of divorce often find it difficult to make long-term commitments in relationships later on. Their self-esteem can also suffer. But let's not forget: in the best case scenario, the child's well-being is not affected at all by a separation and the child gains independence and coping strategies.
The child should not have to suffer from the negative atmosphere between the parents.
How do parents get there?
The most important thing is to continue to fulfil the child's basic needs. The child should not have to suffer from the negative atmosphere between the parents. To achieve this, the parents must of course first know how the child is feeling and what it needs. This is only possible with empathy, great interest and thorough information so that the child can better understand the parents' decisions.
Do you have any specific tips?
One of the most important things: parents should act, not just talk. For the children, it is an unusual situation in which they need to be signalled that both parents are still there for them. The best way to do this is to increase their presence by doing something concrete with the children: for example, going for a walk in the snow in winter and going swimming together in summer. How the parents organise their relationship with each other after a separation is also particularly important. If the parents are still on good terms, I recommend having dinner together once a month, alternating between the father and mother. Another concrete measure would be for the father or mother to reduce their workload to 80 per cent. This sends a strong signal to the child.
How do you teach a child about separation?
Younger schoolchildren in particular are very insecure. They make a lot of comparisons and only see the so-called intact families in their neighbourhood. What I often hear: «They're together too, why aren't we?» It is therefore very important to emphasise that the separation has nothing to do with the love for the children, that mum and dad will remain parents despite living in two homes. Ideally, parents communicate together at the family table at home - and signal to the children that they can also deal with each other without conflict.
If you know what you need, you can also respond better to the needs of others.
And when the children are older?
At puberty, a child is already very good at recognising what separation means and that it happens in many families. It is then all the more important that the child realises that their needs and interests will continue to be taken into account: These are increasingly social as well as financial - friends, clothes, smartphones and so on.
It sounds good in theory, but in reality it seems difficult to achieve: after all, the parents are in an exceptional psychological situation. Where can they get help?
Family mediation can help. It is about all family members knowing their own needs well, exchanging ideas and also being able to listen carefully to what the needs of others are. If they don't do this, this creates expectations that cannot be met. Or to put it the other way round: if you know what you need, you can respond better to the needs of others.
