Mrs Cina, why do we argue with those we love?
Mrs Cina, how does a conflict arise?
When people with different views, intentions, ideas and goals meet, conflicts arise. Other influences also play a role, for example how you are feeling at the moment, whether you are stressed or more relaxed. Conflict is usually accompanied by the feeling of being ignored and ignored. The actual topic of the discussion is often not as relevant as this basic feeling.
Why do we most often come into conflict with those we love?
The family members we live with are there every day, with all their moods, experiences, emotions, wishes and demands. Within the family, people dare to address conflicts more easily and usually have higher expectations than others.
Within the family, people are more likely to dare to address conflicts
Are conflicts between parents and children particularly difficult? Because of the power imbalance?
Yes and no. In contrast to conflicts between adults, parents have the power to end arguments with their children by simply making a decision. However, they also have a duty to resolve conflicts with their children, and they do not have to fulfil every wish of the children. However, there is no need for heated arguments with criticism, rebuffs and harsh punishments.
Is education possible without punishments and rewards?
No, there is no such thing as education without punishment. Children have to learn certain social rules, make compromises and learn how to deal with frustration. You can't explain everything to small children in particular. They learn a lot by experiencing how people react to their behaviour. It is an illusion to think that children develop solely on their own. They need and want feedback. I am very much in favour of showing a child when they have done something well. For example, through sincere praise. Conversely, misbehaviour should have consequences. However, these should not be so severe that the child is not given the chance to try again and learn for themselves.
Can you give an example?
If a child refuses to switch off the computer, the logical consequence is that their time on the computer is cancelled for a while. However, the child should then be allowed to use the device again and be given the opportunity to learn how to switch off the computer themselves when the agreed time has expired.
What should parents pay particular attention to when arguing with their children?
Both parties must have the opportunity to communicate their feelings. It's often not just about facts - whether you play on your mobile phone for half an hour more or less is irrelevant - but about fears and feelings. Parents also have a duty to involve their children and ask what their motives are. Children have a very strong sense of injustice and often feel misunderstood. You have to look for compromises.
Doesn't that lead to hours of discussion?
In principle, discussions should not last forever. This is frustrating and often the same arguments are brought up again and again. If you can't reach a compromise, as a parent you can think about it again and then make a reasoned decision - even if it's not in the child's best interests. However, the child should understand why the parents are making this decision. As a general rule, decisions can also be revised and adapted if the situation changes.
How often is it normal for families to argue?
This varies greatly and also depends on the temperaments of the family members.
With teenagers, it's also normal for things to get rowdy every day!
So is it also normal if it crashes every day?
In certain phases, yes. Especially with teenagers.
Are there also positive aspects to disputes?
Absolutely. Children - and parents too - learn to accept different views and find compromises. And we know from couple research that relationships that have survived crises and in which conflicts have been resolved are particularly stable.
Does the most authoritarian upbringing possible prevent conflicts?
No. Authoritarian parenting means that the children are not involved. This does not allow for dialogue. Rigid rules and prohibitions lead to children trying things out secretly and without parental supervision. Conflicts are not resolved. Children learn hidden strategies.
Conversely, what does anti-authoritarian parenting look like?
In extreme cases, this would mean that the children decide. But children need and want to feel boundaries. They need friction and a vis-à-vis that engages with them. They should be taken seriously, but they must also learn to take others seriously.
Should conflicts always be actively resolved? Or do they sometimes resolve themselves?
You don't have to discuss every little thing from A to Z and argue about it. My advice is to be more relaxed: what can happen if your child goes to school in trainers in winter? They will realise themselves that their feet are getting cold.
