Mr Stöckli, how do you help shy children?

A constant whispering and clattering fills the large hall, students chat, order coffee and croissants. «Oh, this is not what I had in mind,» says Georg Stöckli, who had suggested the atrium of the University of Zurich as the location for this interview. «Usually there are always tables and chairs here.» Today, however, it is being used for a stand-up aperitif. Educational scientist and journalist know how to help themselves, occupy one of the bistro tables standing around and conduct the interview standing up.

Mr Stöckli, many children are shy. Is this personality trait a problem at all?

It depends on how pronounced the shy behaviour is. Shyness is generally understood to be a person's anxiety when establishing interpersonal relationships. As long as it does not cause suffering, shyness is not a psychological disorder, but an expression of a person's temperament. Many children, especially younger ones, behave cautiously in unfamiliar situations, especially when a child starts kindergarten or school. This usually passes once the child has got used to the new teacher and the classroom.

When is a child too shy?

If the first-grader, to stick with this example, although he would like to make friends, holds back even after weeks and rarely seeks contact with his classmates and hardly or not at all participates verbally in class. To put it scientifically: if his avoidance behaviour is more pronounced than his approach behaviour.

Why do children behave in this way?

Overly shy boys and girls are afraid of being judged negatively, laughed at and ridiculed. They are afraid of not measuring up and not living up to the expectations of others. «I'm not enough as a person.» This fear makes shy children feel uncomfortable in the presence of others, tense and reluctant to get involved in a game, for example. They remain in the role of silent observer.

What is behind this fear?

A severely damaged self-confidence. Avoiding social contact is the result, as is poor classroom participation. These children make themselves small, speak only very quietly, if at all, have no really perceptible handshake, avoid eye contact and answer questions with a shrug of the shoulders with «I don't know». This is often viewed negatively by outsiders.

According to the motto: «Where nothing comes out, there's nothing in.»

However, shy people don't just lack the right script for social appearances; the problem actually lies deeper. They often know the right dialogues and what to say, but they refrain from saying the sentences and remarks because they don't feel entitled and too insignificant to contribute their opinion to a situation. Or they are afraid of being contradicted, which would immediately embarrass them.

But aren't there also shy people who skilfully cover up their inhibitions?

That's right. Many actors are actually extremely shy people, even though they are on stage in front of an audience every day. But there they are just playing their part. Shy people can acquire extraverted behaviour as they get older. Even the class clown has ultimately only found a way to present himself to others. However, he does not make any serious contacts.

Can't these children make friends?

Let's say they find it very difficult because their social mistrust is so strong. The slightest sign of dislike or rejection from the chosen one is interpreted as rejection and leads to withdrawal. This is why shy children usually have few friends who are very important to them and from whom they expect a great deal.

How many children are we talking about who are in this situation?

In kindergarten, a third of boys and girls are initially noticeably shy. In primary school, around 16 per cent of pupils in a year group are then perceived as shy. Incidentally, girls and boys are affected equally often. This shyness decreases over time in many of those affected. For around 8 per cent, however, the inhibitions and fear of rejection remain. If these children are still unable to make friends in adolescence and remain isolated, their shyness stabilises. It is then highly likely that they will remain isolated as adults.

Is shyness inherited?

During my research work, I observed that in most cases the parents were already shy. This was also what the mums and dads on our courses said: «I used to be the same.» Let me explain the connection: There is an inhibition system and an approach system, and depending on the assessments, either one or the other is activated. With shy people, the threshold is lower and the inhibitions are activated earlier.

How should we understand this?

In the 1980s, the American developmental psychologist Jerome Kagan held mobiles in front of babies. Some were interested and reacted happily by grasping and gurgling, while others turned away crying. These stimuli were too much for them. These children have such a low stimulus threshold that they are quickly overwhelmed by external stimuli.

And this low stimulus threshold is the genetic component?

Yes, it is inherited from the parents. It has been shown that children in particular who have a lower threshold to strangers tend to become shy later on. Whether or not this happens depends heavily on the upbringing environment. Parents who used to be shy themselves often react anxiously and overprotectively, thus reinforcing the child's inhibition tendencies. Shyness can be both hereditary and inherited.

What do children with a higher stimulus threshold do better?

Much more needs to happen to get these children to calm down. They are better able to structure their actions and focus on what is really happening, whereas children with a low stimulus threshold react (prematurely) to signals. For shy children, the «gaze of the other» primarily signals judgement and therefore threat - not interest and goodwill.

Do shy people also have strengths that less shy people lack?

Shy people are often described as very empathetic, they are good listeners and observers. And don't get me wrong, inhibitions are not only negative. If there were more inhibitions, our world would certainly be a few conflicts poorer. The only problem is that these inhibitions occur in situations that would be decisive for the shy person's personal «progress».

As a result, shy people fall short of their potential. With regard to school, such behaviour is fatal.

Unfortunately. These children remain passive in class, do not participate and are therefore unable to show what they are actually capable of. Their grades are lower than they would be without this shy behaviour. Many teachers are annoyed by these children who do not express themselves. Other children and young people have fine antennae for this kind of behaviour: «He or she is different from us.» In an unfavourable environment, this can lead to bullying.

I would like professionals to work regularly with these children in their schools.

You talk about the «forgotten children» in your books.

In order for lessons to take place, those pupils who are disruptive must first be quietened down. The quiet, reserved children go under - or are even desired in their passive behaviour. They don't make a fuss, they are quiet. As a result, the problems of these children are not recognised. What shy children need is an environment of familiarity. Unlike at home, this familiarity does not exist at school, and the size of the class means that teachers are unable to create familiarity.

It is particularly important in schools that teachers succeed in building a trusting relationship.

Unfortunately, these children already hear from teachers in kindergarten that they should participate better, which doesn't exactly lead to an improvement. If the parents then also send out such signals, it gets really bad: «Do it, be it, do it.» For the child, this means: «You're no good the way you are». And that is of course a fatal message.

What could teachers do instead?

It would be important for teachers to discuss with the children how they can participate better in class and find a way to support the child. For example, upcoming lectures could be discussed together in advance. The child should be made to understand that others also have anxieties about speaking in front of the class and that this is completely normal. You should let them know that you accept their nature, but want to help them progress step by step.

A time-consuming business.

It's not that time-consuming. Two to three times a week at the end of the lesson, teachers can briefly talk through assignments with a shy child.

In your role as head of the Child and School Research Centre at the University of Zurich, you developed the «Social Fitness Training» programme. A programme designed to help shy children to open up at school and leave their inhibitions behind.

During my time researching this topic, parents kept coming to me with the question: «What can we do about our son's or daughter's shyness?» That's when I realised that pure research wasn't enough - and developed this programme in which we worked with the children at our university so that they could meet the expectations placed on them. It doesn't actually take much: to call in occasionally, to get involved, to join in, not to stand on the sidelines during the break, but to do something together with others. Families from all over German-speaking Switzerland came to us for these courses. Unfortunately, they are no longer offered today.

This is one of the reasons why you published the book «Sozial fit - SoFiT! Encourager against inhibition dwarf. Social work in schools: A training programme for socially anxious pupils» ...

... to give to social workers and remedial teachers at schools. My wish would be for these professionals to work regularly with shy children at their school.

As long as it does not cause suffering, shyness is not a disorder.

What can I do as the father or mother of a shy child?

First of all, you should listen to your child. Statements such as «everyone else in the class is stupid» already indicate that something is wrong. Because that can't be right. A school class is basically the best place to make friends, as you spend time with the same people again and again over a longer period of time.

Should you encourage your child to approach others?

As the mother or father of an affected child, it is worth asking the question: How detached am I myself towards other people? If you tell your child that it's actually quite simple, but you don't practise it yourself, then this is a contradiction that the child will see through. Of course, this includes inviting another child to your home every now and then, eating together and showing your own child that you can be relaxed in these situations. Such table situations are very suitable for this: the child is present, but does not have to be active. This is a good start.

For your programme, you have developed the encourager, which helps the shy child to fight against the so-called inhibition dwarf.

This inhibition dwarf is a very stubborn dwarf (laughs). I wanted to separate the shyness from the person of the child. It is the inhibition dwarf who makes life difficult for the shy child. But the inhibition dwarf can be combated with the help of the encourager. I advise parents to become their children's encouragers and to experience situations with them after which they can say: «You were really brave!» And: «You're much braver than you think!» And that can then be a point of connection to their own courage.

«Encourager against inhibition dwarf»

Georg Stöckli developed a training programme to help shy children overcome their inhibitions and fears. The programme was tested with pupils in the fourth to sixth grades. The final evaluation showed that these children felt braver after the training programme than before. In ten training units, exercises are offered that enable the children to recognise their own inhibitions. With the help of the figure of the inhibition dwarf, children can think about the causes of their problems. Secondly, the children are encouraged to overcome their passivity and show initiative. A personal encourager helps the children to do this.

Georg Stöckli: Socially fit - SoFiT! Encourager against inhibition dwarf. Social work in schools: A training programme for socially anxious pupils. Lehrmittelverlag Zurich, 2016.

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