Masturbation: How children learn pleasure
When six-year-old Ida's mum opens the bathroom door, she sees her daughter in the shower, the jet of water directed at her private parts and making ecstatic sounds. She quickly closes the door and asks herself: "Is that normal at that age? Should I be worried? Should I talk about it?
When parents are confronted with their children's sexuality, many react with uncertainty or even embarrassment. To a certain extent, this is normal and understandable. «Human sexuality is not designed to be shared with parents, siblings or other close relatives,» says Esther Schütz, clinical sexologist and sex educator and former director of the Institute for Sex Education and Sex Therapy (ISP) in Uster. «Added to this are their own attitudes, beliefs and shame boundaries, which further fuel possible insecurities.»
And although sexuality is almost omnipresent in our society, it is still considered taboo in connection with children. «Yet children are very much sexual beings,» says Schütz. «Even babies and toddlers experience sexual arousal without consciously associating it with sexuality.» Sexuality is a natural part of children's healthy development. «Many parents know very little about children's sexuality and think that it only begins at puberty,» says the sex therapist. «But that's not the case!»
Sexual beings from the very beginning
The sexual arousal reflex is present in humans from the very beginning, just like the sucking or grasping reflex. Even in the womb, it can be observed by ultrasound that male foetuses have an erection. For anatomical reasons, this cannot be visualised as well in female foetuses. Newborn babies can also spontaneously have an erection of the penis or clitoris.
Boys learn to increase arousal with their hands at the age of two to three. Girls often lag behind in this stage of development.
«Over time, the toddler then learns that increased blood flow to the genitals creates pleasant sensations,» explains the sex educator. «Sexuality is therefore a skill that people learn.» As soon as babies have developed the muscles to turn from their back to their stomach at around three to six months, they also unconsciously learn to trigger the sexual arousal reflex by tensing and relaxing the pelvic floor muscles through the extended movement patterns. «This happens quite playfully through the experience of turning or playing with the legs,» explains Schütz. «Important nerve connections are established in the process, just like with other sensory experiences.»
Later, as a toddler aged one to three, patterns develop from this. «You can then observe that children rub themselves on the floor when crawling, hop around on a cushion or clamp a cuddly toy between their legs to trigger the reflex and discharge themselves,» describes the sexologist. «Some children roll their eyes or sweat profusely.»
Effects on sexuality in adulthood
The next important step in children's sexual development is touching their own sex with their hands. «When the tactile sense is added, the sensations become tangible in the truest sense of the word,» emphasises the sex expert. «Boys learn to increase their arousal by touching and squeezing the penis with their hand from the age of two to three."
However, girls often lag behind boys in this stage of development. "Because girls' sex is turned inwards, they can't see it without a mirror,» says Schütz. «As a result, they often don't perceive it adequately and touch their vulva less often or not at all.» This can have an impact on sexuality in adulthood because the woman then doesn't know how to stimulate herself with her hand. «She then needs an enormous amount of muscle tension and pressure or the deep penetration of a man to reach orgasm,» says Schütz.
Stages of sexual development
0 to 2 years
The sexual arousal reflex is already present before birth. Initially, the baby perceives pleasant and pleasurable sensations primarily through the skin through gentle stroking and caressing as well as through the mouth when sucking. By tensing and relaxing the pelvic floor muscles, the infant gradually learns to trigger the arousal reflex itself.
3 to 6 years
From around kindergarten age, boys start to increase their pleasure by touching the penis with their hand. Girls tense their pelvic floor muscles and use their hand or the shower spray. So-called doctor games, in which children show each other their sex and examine each other, are usually organised by pre-school children aged 4 to 6.
7 to 9 years
Primary school age is characterised by shame and the first signs of separation from parents. However, friendships and first crushes with peers become more important. Masturbation usually takes place in secret.
10 to 12 years
The onset of puberty becomes noticeable and the influence of parents continues to wane. Interest in the opposite sex increases and masturbation becomes more and more intentional.
13 to 16 years
Physical changes are now clearly visible. Sexual acts are purposeful and focussed on a potential sexual partner. Parental influence is no longer desired.
Touching and naming gender
The sex educator therefore advises parents of little girls to lovingly support their daughter in the healthy development of her sexuality by explaining to her that she can look at her own sex with the help of a mirror. It is good if they also name this specifically. «In a suitable situation, when washing, changing nappies or dressing and undressing, you can say to the child: 'Look, you can't see it from above, but you can see your vagina with the mirror. It belongs to you and you can touch it,» says Schütz.
Children's preoccupation with their own gender is not purposeful, but is used as an opportunity to feel comfortable.
This is because the healthy development of a child's sexuality not only plays an important role in fulfilling sexuality in later adulthood, it also helps to protect the child from possible assault. Esther Schütz: «Only if the child knows and has learnt to appreciate its sex can it also protect it.»
It is also important for parents to know that children's sexuality differs from adult sexuality in very important ways: «Children's sexuality is never goal-oriented and is always self-centred,» explains the sex therapist. «The child does not judge sexuality, but perceives the sensations as one of many sensory stimuli that provide pleasant feelings. The preoccupation with their own sex is therefore not - as with adults - orientated towards an orgasm, but is rather used as one of several ways to feel good and experience relaxation. "It is only with the onset of puberty, when hormones come into play, that children's sexuality gradually develops in the direction of adult sexuality, which is orientated towards a goal and a sexual partner,» says Schütz.
Masturbation in children is therefore a positive thing. Depending on the type and age, it happens differently often and is part of a child's healthy development. However, it also has its limits. It is important that the obvious preoccupation with one's own sex does not take place in public. If parents observe this in their child, they should point it out calmly but firmly. «Here you can say: "I can see that you're just feeling like it. You can do that in your room. But I don't want you to do it here,» advises Schütz. «No further explanations or instructions should be given, as the child cannot absorb anything in a state of heightened emotionality, let alone put it into practice.» It is important that parents address the issue at a later date and discuss it with the child.
When doctor games are okay - and when they're not
At pre-school age, children are not only interested in their own bodies, but also in the bodies of others. In so-called doctor games, they withdraw into small groups and curiously examine and compare each other, especially in the genital area. «Doctor games are a completely normal step in sexual development and are important for recognising one's own self,» says the sexologist. «If parents accidentally burst into a situation like this, they should react as calmly as possible and, as with other games, ask what the children are playing and whether everyone is in agreement.»
It becomes critical if one or more of the children are clearly not feeling well, if significantly older children are involved or if pointed or sharp-edged objects are used. «Parents should intervene here and talk to their son or daughter about the most important basic rule outside of the game: I trust you to know what you want and only allow what is good for you, what you like and what others say yes to!» emphasises Schütz.
«Playing doctor is a completely normal developmental step and important for recognising your own self,» says sexologist Esther Schütz.
From around the time they start school, children's sense of shame takes centre stage. «Children now start to distance themselves from their parents and need more and more space of their own,» explains the sex educator. «Many no longer want to show themselves naked and want less physical closeness.» Sexual games, falling in love, lovesickness etc. take place in secret and are kept secret from parents. «These beginnings of gradually cutting the cord are sometimes painful for parents, but should definitely be respected,» emphasises the sex expert.
Masturbation in adolescents
With the onset of puberty, the process of distancing oneself from parents reaches its peak. Parents now become «embarrassing» and young people increasingly orientate themselves towards their peers in their peer group. Sex hormones change the body and sexuality becomes more and more prominent. Masturbation is common at this age and most parents consider it normal. «If you do have unwanted sex, I advise parents to withdraw and not bring it up,» advises Schütz. «Young people now find this extremely embarrassing and don't want any advice from their parents.» Parents should also refrain from talking about their own sexuality if possible. «Mums and dads retain their parental role for the rest of their lives and should not try to act like a girlfriend or boyfriend to their child,» summarises Esther Schütz.
Reading tips
- Free information brochures from the German Federal Centre for Health Education:
«Loving support»
«Talking about sexuality»
Download at: www.bzga.de > Search for brochure titles
- Esther Elisabeth Schütz, Theo Kimmich: Body and sexuality. Discover, understand, communicate sensually. Atlantis 2017, 192 pages, 36 Fr.
Available to order at: www.isp-uster.ch/publikationen/bucher
Advice and help for parents on the topic of masturbation in children
- Mothers' and fathers' counselling:
www.sf-mvb.ch/fuer-eltern/pscjI - Parent and family associations:
e.g.: www.elternbildung.ch - Marriage and family counselling:
www.familienleben.ch > Search for family counselling
Read more about child sexuality:
- When sexuality awakens
When children explore the world, their own bodies are part of it. But many parents don't know how to deal with their children's awakening sexuality. Under no circumstances should they keep quiet, experts advise. A relaxed approach to sex and early sex education favours children's physical development. - The human being is a cuddly toy
Touch has a decisive influence on a child's development - infants cannot survive without it. However, the need for physical contact varies greatly depending on the individual, age and relationship. - Five questions about love and sexuality
The first menstruation - or what do parents do when their daughter's boyfriend stays over for the first time? Questions and answers about love and sexuality from our big 100-question dossier.
