Let children feel the love

When we have a child, we don't know it: we don't know how this child loves and how it wants to be loved. Children also need to be loved in different ways, because they are different. So if I notice that a father has hurt his child, but then says to him: «I only did this because I love you!», then I have to point out to him: «There's nothing wrong with your love, I certainly don't question it, but I do question your behaviour: If you treat your child like that, it will always run away, it can't recognise your behaviour as love. They have a different experience of what love is. So you have to try to change your behaviour so that it has a value for your daughter, so that she can translate it as love.»

But you don't have to feel guilty about that, how should we know? We are all so different and want to be loved in so many different ways! The child has a very specific temperament and develops in its own way. But how can we find out how our child wants to be loved?

Children need nothing more from their parents than the basic message: «You're OK, just because you are!»

Adults can communicate this verbally, but it is not so easy for a child. We often become very angry with our children - and this attitude ultimately expresses our despair: We are less successful in dealing with our children than we would like to be. But we can ask children for help, even when they are very young, and say to them: «Look, in the last three weeks I have often been angry with you when you have done this or that, and it makes me angry. I don't know what to do! Can you help me?» And children usually tell you what's going on, even if they express it in a less nuanced way.

One of our Danish child specialists carried out a project with children between the ages of three and six. He found that 90 per cent of the children surveyed felt that parents scolded them 80 per cent of the time they spent with them. The adults surveyed, on the other hand, said that they only scolded their children 10 per cent of the time. What he was wondering now: What about that 70 per cent where children feel criticised and not seen, but adults don't even notice? And he came to the conclusion that adults understand scolding to mean «raising your voice and looking angry», while children also understand scolding to mean all the other situations in which they are categorised and defined.

Making love recognisable in action

So what can we as adults do? If you ask the children: «What can I do differently?», the children will tell you: «Nothing, just listen to me!» And that in turn means: «If you, Dad, knew what was going on in my head when I do this or that, then you wouldn't call me names like that, then you'd know I had a good reason to do it.»

When I meet with teenagers, they very often tell me: «My family doesn't listen to me!» And the parents will be horrified and say: «How? We talk all the time, what do you mean? We don't listen to you?» Parents feel unfairly treated, but what the child tells them is very valuable: «You hear my words, but you don't understand my message! You don't give it a second thought.»

If parents can only express their love by showering their children with toys, the children freeze.

What I want to achieve with my work is to ensure that loving emotions - whether in partnerships, between teachers and pupils or parents and children - are translated into loving action in specific relationships. And we all have this difficulty: «I love you, now how can I make you really feel this love?» We think that if we love someone, they can only be grateful to us. We think we have an entry and exit ticket to the other person's soul: «Because I love you, I can do anything!»

Love can be dangerous - especially for children

It is indeed the case that people do the most terrible things to each other because they love each other. Love can therefore also be dangerous - especially for children, because children simply have to accept the way they are loved by their parents, even if they don't feel loved.

For example, if parents can only express their love by showering their children with toys, the children freeze. But they sense that this is their parents' way of loving them, so they can do nothing but demand more toys. And the more toys lying around in the corners of the children's room, the more they freeze. This is another wonderful example of how subtly children co-operate: They develop their life logic, which will then also accompany them later in life.

For example: When you were a small child, your mum always said to you when you were bad: «You're just like your father.» Now you are married yourself and have a child - what do you say to him when things are bad? Exactly the same sentence your mum said to you, even though it always hurt you back then. But that's what you inherited from her - her way of loving you. That's what you've learnt about love.

Let children be who they are

Children love us without judgement and even accept our unkindness. We could learn from them that you don't have to do anything to be loved - you can just be. Yes, unbiased love is what parents experience in the very first week with their newborn: The baby lies in its cot and we think it's wonderful just the way it is. Only, shortly afterwards, the worm creeps in and we feel we have to constantly correct our offspring. That's not very clever, because children need nothing more from their parents than the basic message: «You're OK, just because you are!»

When I was 18 years old and still a sailor, one of my uncles, to whom I didn't feel attracted at all, invited us all. But I didn't feel like going because I knew exactly what would happen: The adults would ask me how I was and then completely forget about me. But my parents put so much pressure on me that I finally went along.

And what happened? Exactly what I had predicted: Nobody was interested in me after the first two minutes, so after half an hour I decided to leave. And when I got up to leave, my father suddenly looked in my direction: he fixed his eyes on me and knew exactly what I was up to and why I wanted to get up and leave. He didn't stop me but let me go and gave me the feeling that he understood me and that it was okay. I would have liked to have received such silent messages much more often - especially as a child. But at least it had happened once, and that was a lot!

This type of message determines the quality of the relationship between parents and children. Parents cannot prove their love for their children by telling them a hundred times: «We love you so much!» - They have to convey this message by loving them, i.e. through their actions. They have to show them that they accept them - just as they are.