Learning good behaviour without pressure

All the seats on the bus are occupied. An elderly lady gets on. With a broad smile, a girl jumps up and offers her seat. The elderly lady smiles back delightedly. The other guests are also visibly impressed by the girl's manners. Good behaviour is appreciated. According to a survey by the Allensbach Institute for Public Opinion Research, most respondents would have resented the passengers if no one had stood up. Showing consideration for your fellow human beings is still a virtue in our society.

Being considerate means, for example, not pushing, not being excessively loud, letting the other person speak and arriving on time for an appointment. According to the survey, the vast majority of respondents attach importance to these rules of behaviour. And the other respondents cannot avoid them. Because, according to communication expert Nandine Meyden: «Good manners are fundamental rules for social interaction in our society.»

Parents who think of strictness, children's tears and frazzled parental nerves when they hear the word «manners» can breathe a sigh of relief: we are practically born with a sense of good social interaction. «Even 19-month-old infants show social emotions such as empathy and consideration, and two-year-olds are aware of whether a behaviour is right or wrong,» says Moritz Daum, Professor of Developmental Psychology at the University of Zurich.

And three-year-olds can express their sense of social justice verbally: for example, they criticise a doll in a game if it breaks a rule. Toddlers have a remarkable awareness of other people. This is a wonderful basis for parents to encourage their children's social awareness on a daily basis. In the long term, this leads to good manners and other desirable behaviour such as moral courage.

Promoting social awareness on a daily basis

This starts on a small scale. For example, by the father pointing out to the child on the bus if it is too loud. He explains that the other passengers may be tired or simply want their peace and quiet. In this way, parents invite their child to pay attention to and empathise with others.

You should be as consistent as possible: if you let your child be loud on the bus once and then not again, they won't learn. If parents remain consistent and firm every time, the child's early sense of respectful behaviour will be consolidated and can become an inner attitude over time - which is precisely the aim. A socially attentive and respectful child generally finds it easier to behave with others. They don't blindly push their way through a crowd of people to be first in line. And they recognise when «please» and «thank you» are appropriate, the two most basic forms of respectful interaction.

Why parents are role models

The most effective way for parents to encourage their children's social awareness and manners is to set an example. For example, they should set an example for their children by holding the door open for someone carrying heavy bags. Children can also learn from their parents' conversations with strangers, for example not to interrupt the other person.

However, parental role models are not limited to interactions with people outside the family - mum and dad must be just as considerate and respectful towards their child. Dialogue also plays a crucial role: «Parents should communicate the desired behaviour in an explanatory and instructive way,» says Moritz Daum. «On the one hand, it's important to reiterate to children that other people have feelings and needs that are not inferior to ours,» explains Nandine Meyden.

On the other hand, parents should make it clear to their children: the way I treat others is the way it comes back to me. «I have an influence on whether I am shown respect and appreciation,» explains Nandine Meyden, and: «It's instructive to make children realise what it's like when someone doesn't say thank you, for example.» If a child gives a classmate a birthday present, parents can ask: «How would you have felt if your friend hadn't thanked you?»

A daily conversation also strengthens the child's awareness of its fellow human beings. It doesn't have to be long, just a few minutes is enough. During this exchange, mum and dad should ask character-building questions such as: «How did you help someone today?» Or: «How do you think Marc felt?» Parents can talk about their day and fulfil their role model function in narrative form. For example: «This morning I held the door of the tram open for a gentleman, otherwise he would have missed it and probably got into trouble for being late.»

If rules are too restrictive and limit the child's natural curiosity, this can have a negative impact on their development.

Moritz Daum, Professor of Developmental Psychology

«Behave yourself!» or «How do you say it?». Most of the time, parents only mean well: they want to show that their offspring is a well-behaved, well-behaved and basically adorable child. «But with such remarks, parents put a lot of pressure on the adolescent,» says Annamaria Fisler, educationalist and parenting counsellor from Freiburg.

Pressure and coercion are bad teachers. In the worst cases, they lead to disobedience, fear and insecurity in the child. «If rules are too restrictive and limit the child's natural curiosity, their natural urge to move, without this being necessary, it can be negative for their development,» explains Moritz Daum.

The «young savages» are not a sign of parental failure

Parents have many ways to take the pressure out of even a seemingly clichéd «thank you», for example with the help of small everyday rituals. Annamaria Fisler reports from her own experience: «When our son was little, we shook hands before meals, sang the «En-Guete-Lied» together and always thanked the person who cooked.» Her son, now 27 years old, still says thank you when he comes to eat. «As a small child, he learnt to say thank you in a playful way thanks to this little ritual,» says the teacher. The great thing about family rituals like this? Children don't experience saying «thank you» as an annoying, rehearsed duty - but as a valuable, perhaps even happy moment with the family.

Parents also need to be patient with teenagers. Especially when teenagers become abusive and loud. Mothers and fathers are quick to interpret the behaviour of the «young savages» as a parental failure, as the supposed failure of their parenting. These thoughts are unnecessary, says Caroline Märki, family counsellor and head of Familylab Switzerland. «Parents are doing themselves and their children the biggest favour if they remain calm,» says the educationalist. But that's easier said than done. As a family counsellor, Caroline Märki has noticed that parents are unable to deal with young people's rebuttals - and become reproachful towards them. The adults overlook something important: «Young people basically become rebellious when they don't feel respected,» says the expert.

Giving up and just letting things happen is not an option

It's hardly surprising that the offspring then react badly. Parents have good reason to remain calm: «You have set an example of good behaviour for your teenager over the years - and this will become apparent in the future,» emphasises Caroline Märki. However, mums and dads should not accept every form of teenage rebelliousness. Especially if a teenager not only reacts disrespectfully and abusively from time to time, but the bad behaviour is constant. «In this case, parents should go to family counselling together with the child,» advises Caroline Märki.

Patience, patience, patience. This applies to parents of both teenagers and children. Giving up and simply letting the adolescents do their thing is not an option. And if parents find it difficult to be patient from time to time, they can remind themselves that there is much more at stake than their children's careers. By encouraging and reinforcing their children's awareness of their fellow human beings, mums and dads not only help them to interact respectfully with others - but also enable their children to build deep and meaningful relationships with other people in the first place.