It is not your job to make your children happy!
To be honest, I only wish my children one thing: that they don't get frustrated by life's bumps, obstacles and abysses. I hope that they never become bitter. Despite or especially when life or love don't mean well for them.
In other words: I want them to be happy. That is a mistake. The aspiration to become «happy» is one of the most stupid things you can impose on others. An unattainable goal that no one grows towards, but everyone is guaranteed to fail. The truth is that nobody is happy. Least of all those who pretend to be.
Of course, most parents are not stupid enough to raise their children to be happy, because they themselves know how illusory that is. But what do we actually want for our children? There is an interesting study from Harvard University that really impressed me because it showed that most parents - at least in America - say that their top priority is for their children to be caring and kind. So not successful or happy, but caring and kind. Nice, isn't it? Makes you want to give your child up for adoption to a US family.
Claiming to be «happy» is one of the stupidest things you can impose on others.
The study also asked the children what they thought was important to their parents. And most of the children answered that happiness and success were the most important things for their parents. In other words, we believe that we teach our children that kindness and compassion are more important than professional success and personal happiness, but obviously something completely different comes across to our offspring: namely that it is most important to us that they become successful and happy.
The misunderstanding probably stems from the fact that we parents only tolerate it badly when our children are not doing well. As soon as they have difficulties at school or are sad because they weren't invited to the children's birthday party, we do everything - really everything - to improve their performance or lift their spirits. «I want my child to be happy» means in practice: «If my child is sad because he or she can't make it to grammar school, I'll pay for private tuition.» Or: «My child wasn't invited to my child's birthday party, so I'll organise my own party for them.»
It's a tragic paradox: because we love our children, we want to minimise their suffering. But by helping them achieve short-term happiness, we lower their tolerance for sorrow. What can we do instead?
Perhaps we should treat them the way we want to be treated when we are in a difficult situation: We don't need a solution, we want to be understood. It is not our job as parents to solve every problem our children have so that they are happy, but to take their feelings seriously. Especially when these do not correspond to our own experiences.
