«I'm afraid that my daughter won't get anything out of life»

Mum: I don't know what to do. My 17-year-old daughter is doing well and yet I'm constantly worried. I also don't know what I'm allowed to do as the mother of a teenage daughter and when I'm crossing the line.

Counsellor: Well, that sounds very typical for this age. Would you like to tell me what you're worried about?

Mum: Until six months ago, my daughter always told me everything. We had lots of good conversations and often laughed together. You know, I've been a single mum for many years and have always been proud of the close relationship I had with my two daughters. Now the older one is becoming more and more withdrawn, often stays in her room and only comes out to eat. Sometimes she doesn't even want to eat with us any more.

Counsellor: What else does she do in her life?

Mum: They are happy with her in her apprenticeship. Her school grades could be better, but they are always good enough. She has two good friends who she used to hang out with a lot, but she doesn't see them as often anymore. She went to Scouts for a long time, but she has stopped. This withdrawal worries me a lot. When I ask her, she says everything is fine and I don't need to worry. She has also withdrawn from me physically and I'm hardly allowed to touch her any more.

Counsellor: What is it that worries you so much?

Mother: That she has nothing from life.

What can I do? When I speak to her about it, she refuses to talk.

Mother

Counsellor: From the outside, it looks as if your daughter is on the move according to her age. However, I can well understand that as a mother you can sense when your child is not really happy.

Mum: That's exactly how it is. What can I do? When I speak to her about it, she refuses to talk.

Counsellor: The concept of watchful care comes to mind. It can be explained well using the example of a child playing in the sandpit: Imagine a mother sitting on a bench talking with a friend, yet always keeping an eye on her child out of the corner of her eye. This is the first stage of attention, namely open attention. Then a second child approaches the first and the mother takes a closer look at how the two children are interacting. Perhaps she encourages her child to approach the second child with glances. This is the second stage, focussed attention. Only when the children start to attack each other and there is a threat of tears does the mother intervene, which is the third stage, namely protection or intervention.

Mum: And how can this be transferred to older children ?

Counsellor: I would say that you are somewhere between the first and second stage at the moment. You can see that a lot is going well in your daughter's life and that you can hand over a lot of responsibility to her. However, you continue to observe her and keep asking how she is getting on in life. In doing so, you are signalling that your daughter is important to you, even if she doesn't seek out the conversation herself. However, if you notice that she is becoming more withdrawn, for example if she is no longer seeing her friends, her school grades are slipping or she is often absent from work, pay closer attention and ask more questions. You look for a relaxed moment and ask your daughter for a conversation in which you express your concern.

As a mother, you have to take responsibility and make decisions.

Counsellor

Mum: What if I realise that she needs help and she refuses everything? For example, I'm also unsure whether she sometimes scratches herself. I know that it's also a kind of fad, but it's also a cry for help.

Counsellor: Then go to the third stage and explain to your daughter that you will no longer stand by and will now seek help. It may be that you arrange for your daughter to see her GP to make sure that everything is physically OK. However, you may also explain to her that you are seeking psychological help and ask her whether she would prefer a woman or a man and what else is important to her. If you manage to maintain a non-blaming relationship with your daughter during this conversation, she will most likely accept it. It is important that you as a mother take responsibility and make decisions in this situation.

Mum: But at the moment it's very difficult to find any therapists at all.

Counsellor: It's important that you don't let yourself be turned away too quickly, but instead ask whether there is a waiting list and whether the person on the other end of the line can recommend someone. The search for specialised therapists is time-consuming, but it is worth persevering. Asking around in your personal environment can also be helpful.

Mum: But I'm so ashamed that I can't help my child.

Counsellor: I can well imagine that other parents feel the same way and that it can be comforting to talk to each other about it. If you feel your own shame so well, it can be helpful in dealing with your daughter. It's quite possible that she also feels ashamed, for example because she scratches herself.

Mum: That's right, I hadn't even thought about that. So I'll be careful when talking to my daughter about how I address my concerns. And I will always think carefully about which of the three stages I am currently in. I find the concept quite clear. Thank you very much for that. It was good for me to discuss these worries with someone.

Consultant: You are very welcome to contact us again at any time.