«If you feel equal, you don't need to put others down»

Who can be a victim of bullying and what should parents do if their child is being bullied? See the most impressive statements from bullying expert Christelle Schläpfer as a picture gallery here. You can read the full interview below:

Mrs Schläpfer, how do I know if my child is fighting with others or being bullied?

Bullying is the deliberate putting down of a specific person - systematically and repeatedly. This can take the form of laughing at, ostracising or ridiculing, or even bullying or blackmailing. Because there is also an imbalance of power, the victim cannot get out of the situation on their own.

Cyberbullying has increased significantly during the pandemic. Distancing has caused insecurity and frustration to build up in many people.

Sadly, Switzerland holds the record for bullying - as the Pisa study from 2018 shows. One in five children in Switzerland is affected at some point. Cyberbullying in particular has increased significantly during the pandemic.

Why is that?

In general, the anonymity of the internet makes the inhibition threshold for bullying extremely low. Because many lessons took place digitally during the pandemic, there were suddenly other channels besides the usual chat groups that were suitable for bullying. Above all, however, social distancing has made children and young people very frustrated. Everything that is so important at their age - such as socialising with their peers in real life - was not possible for a long time. This caused insecurity and frustration to build up in many of them.

So bullying happens out of insecurity and frustration?

Also, yes. But boredom, a lack of a sense of community or feelings of inferiority can also be behind it. People want to be equal, to belong. On the other hand, they feel inferior and inferior if, for example, they experience: I'm not as good at school as others. If their parents are authoritarian at home, they have no say or believe that their siblings are favoured. In short, anyone who bullies is trying to compensate for something.

By putting others down, do I feel equal?

I feel a sense of power, at least in the short term; I may not feel equal, but I feel superior. However, a good self-esteem, which is actually behind the feeling of equality, cannot be achieved by force.

It used to be thought that bullying mainly affected the weak and shy, but today we know that anyone can become a victim.

Christelle Schläpfer

Because I only feel truly equal when I feel taken seriously, am allowed to contribute, am listened to and know that I am accepted unconditionally. Strengthening a child's self-esteem is therefore the best way to prevent them from putting others down.

Conversely, how can I prevent my child from becoming a victim?

The same applies here: those who have self-esteem are more likely to say «stop» when teased like «you ginger» or «you fat pig». However, good self-esteem is no guarantee that you won't be bullied. It used to be thought that bullying mainly affected the weak and shy, but today we know that anyone can be a victim - but not everyone can be a perpetrator.

What situations give rise to bullying?

Small things are enough: A good pupil, for example, who is once again praised by the teacher for an essay. A pupil who always wears great clothes. You can always find a reason for bullying. Envy is usually behind it. It then starts with teasing. If the whole thing happens again and again and there are onlookers and supporters, it turns into bullying.

So bullying needs an audience?

If we exclude cyberbullying, which can also be perpetrated by a single person, bullying usually requires a corresponding environment. This consists of active followers who support the perpetrator, as well as passive onlookers who remain inactive for fear of being the next victim. If nobody intervenes in the early phase of ridicule and teasing - be it teachers or parents - perpetrators see this as a licence to continue.

Don't go over the child's head to contact the school. Otherwise the child won't say anything at home in future.

Christelle Schläpfer

When I work through bullying situations with classes in role plays, children and young people who take on the role of passive bystanders often say: «But we didn't do anything!» «Yes, you did!» I then have to explain to them. «You are giving the perpetrator the non-verbal signal to continue!» Without spectators, they would have stopped long ago. They need the stage, the attention.

Many children affected by bullying only confide in their parents at a late stage. How can I recognise that my child is slipping into the role of victim?

If the behaviour of the child or adolescent changes. Are they neglecting their personal hygiene? Are they avoiding social contact? Are they no longer socialising with colleagues? Are they bothering their siblings at home? Are they often sad? Is there a drop in performance at school? All of these can be symptoms. Mind you: can be. But perhaps it's also due to lovesickness or simply puberty.

That's why I would be careful with the diagnosis and would first try to talk to the child. Don't squeeze them, but observe: «I notice that you don't socialise with your colleagues anymore»; mirror: «I understand that you're sad because you're not invited»; offer: «If you want to talk about it, I'm here».

And what if the child says, «these and those people are bullying me, marginalising me»?

Then take the child seriously, but at the same time do not overreact, but analyse: Is it really being marginalised or does it just feel marginalised? Of course, both are bad for the child. Nevertheless, they are two completely different things.

There are often parents in my practice who say: «My child is being bullied.» When asked, the child then says: «I'm not allowed to play football.» When I ask: «Did you ask?», the answer is: «No.» Passively waiting to see if you are asked to play is not bullying, however. For children, such situations also feel bad, but other solutions are required here. Bullying happens actively.

Let's say there is bullying: What is the next step from the parents' point of view? Seek contact with the school?

Yes, but parents should obtain the child's consent for this. They must not decide this over the child's head. That is very important. Otherwise the child won't say anything at home in future. Many parents are very emotional when they seek dialogue with teachers - which is understandable because they see how their child is suffering. However, I warn against saying straight away: «My child is being bullied.» It's better to describe the symptoms first: «My child isn't feeling well, he's not eating or sleeping. Have you noticed anything at school?» It's about working together with the school, not attacking or accusing.

So parents shouldn't put the finished diagnosis on the table straight away?

Exactly. Many people have an allergic reaction to the term bullying. Some reflexively say: «There's no bullying at our school», then grumble and feel personally attacked, as if they haven't done their job properly.

And what if the child doesn't want the school to be involved?

Then it is important to find out what needs to be in place for the child to feel safe enough. Those affected are often afraid that everything will get worse once the school is involved. This is entirely justified: if school bullying interventions are carried out incorrectly, the situation can actually escalate.

Mediation in cases of bullying is like pouring oil on the fire.

Christelle Schläpfer

For example, if the teacher simply steps in front of the class and says: «I don't want you to laugh at Sabrina all the time!» The class automatically feels attacked by such a confrontation and goes on the defence. You shouldn't resort to mediation either.

Why not?

The victim and the child offender should not be summoned to talk in order to resolve the matter bilaterally. Firstly, because the victim is often afraid to really say how they feel in this setting. Secondly, because the perpetrator then falls into justification or trivialisation and rightly says that he or she was not the only one involved. In the case of bullying, mediation is like pouring oil on the fire. If the perpetrator is held solely responsible for the whole situation and feels blamed, he or she often takes revenge.

What is the ideal way to end bullying?

There is no standard solution for this; every case is extremely complex and often cross-system. It is therefore very important to start with a differentiated analysis: recognising what exactly is at stake and who is involved and how. I work a lot with metaphors in texts and films. This metaphorical approach, which is also used in therapeutic work with patients, is the centrepiece of my bullying work. It takes relatively little time to achieve a positive change with the class - preventively, but also to solve a specific case.

How exactly does the metaphorical approach work?

Children can identify with stories that deal with bullying and empathise with the protagonists. At the same time, these stories create a certain distance from which it is possible to work with pupils.

Parents and schools have also internalised the idea of punishment. In fact, this makes bullying extremely worse.

Christelle Schläpfer

The word bullying doesn't even have to be used. Nevertheless, the children quickly realise what it is all about. However, the distance makes it easier for them to talk about it.

What do you think of the so-called no-blame approach - the approach of ending bullying among pupils without apportioning blame and punishment?

This is a very effective method. The whole class is actively involved in finding a solution. After a one-to-one discussion with the child concerned, a support group is formed from pupils - from sympathetic friends of the child concerned, but also from children who are also being bullied. They are all given the task of helping the child to feel better, to feel like they belong again.

But does this approach avoid apportioning blame even in serious cases?

Exactly. There is a tendency in our society to always look for someone to blame, a scapegoat. Parents and schools have also internalised the idea of punishment. The reflex is: bad behaviour is punished, bang! In fact, this makes bullying extremely worse. Punishment does not make children more social either. To be clear: this is not about cuddly pedagogy. There must be zero tolerance for bullying. But I have to involve the perpetrator in the solution and not exclude them from it. Then the victim will be more likely to seek help because they will be less afraid of retaliation.

Which is sometimes difficult for parents of affected children to bear.

I know, especially if they were bullied themselves in their childhood or adolescence. Understandably, these parents react particularly strongly and often find it difficult to find a solution. Especially if they have not yet come to terms with their own history and project their experiences onto their child.

It is important that teachers strengthen the sense of togetherness in a class in a preventative way. That they don't wait until something happens.

Christelle Schläpfer

However, in order to put a lasting end to bullying, the perpetrator must be included in the solution. Incidentally, this also applies if the child concerned leaves the class - which can sometimes be the right course of action for the victim. However, if the case is not dealt with in class, the next incident of bullying is inevitable.

What can parents do to empower their child affected by bullying?

Social contacts outside of school are important, where the child experiences: «I'm okay the way I am», where they are accepted. Ideally in the form of group activities where they can socialise with other children of the same age.

How can bullying be prevented from occurring in the first place?

A lot can be done preventatively. Firstly at home, where it is important to instil good self-esteem in the child. Secondly, at school - because the class constellation plays a very decisive role: depending on which players are active here, bullying attempts may or may not fall on fertile ground.

This is why it is so important for teachers to analyse the classroom climate and strengthen the sense of community preventively, regardless of cases of bullying. For example, by addressing the issue: What is good, respectful behaviour? Where does fun end and harm begin? It is particularly important to raise awareness with regard to language. When it comes to cyberbullying, pupils often say: «But it was just fun, I didn't mean it like that!» Therefore: address the issue preventively and don't wait until something happens.

Which means extra work for teachers.

That's true, of course. But investing a few hours in the classroom climate in the short term involves much less effort than having to work in a bad climate permanently - because that doesn't work at all. In general, I advocate not waiting too long to intervene and not dismissing conflicts as harmless arguments. The motto is to react quickly. This could prevent a lot of bullying.