If you are kind now, then ...

I recently rewarded my son. The seven-year-old was allowed to go to the bakery on his own on a Sunday morning to get bread rolls for us. On the way there, you have to cross a road that has no pedestrian lights. Drivers rarely stick to the speed limit there. I found that quite tricky for a long time. My son has thought it was «pretty baby» for a long time.

He really wanted to go there alone. That Sunday morning, I prioritised his wish, admittedly with heart palpitations. When he came home, he was visibly proud and very happy. I pressed a few small coins from his change into his hand and said: «For your piggy bank.»

Why am I telling this fairly everyday story? Because it is a wonderful illustration of the unintended effect a reward like this can have. At the time, I hadn't given much thought to whether the small gesture was educationally useful. But when I asked the seven-year-old the next Sunday if he wanted to go to the bakery again, he asked: «Will I get money then?» When I answered in the negative, surprised, he was no longer interested. The next weekend was the same. And that was the end of his pride in being more independent and his long-cherished wish to go shopping on his own!

«Your reward has led to a motivational overlay,» explains Albert Düggeli, Head Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Applied Sciences Northwestern Switzerland. My son was actually intrinsically motivated, i.e. motivated by his own desire to follow this path, to be autonomous and to prove himself. «But with the residual money deal, something overlaps here. Instead of being recognised for his achievements as a responsible boy, he receives a material reward. This extrinsic motivation, the reward from outside, is stronger than the intrinsic motivation.»

Rewards release happiness hormones

Why this is so can be explained neurologically: Rewards release endorphins in children's brains. These hormones cause a short-term feeling of happiness, which is addictive and then demands permanent external reassurance. «This is also an observation that has been made in school education,» adds Albert Düggeli. "Many children are very motivated at the start of their school career and are determined to learn arithmetic and writing. They have realised that the grown-ups can do it and are motivated by the subject matter.

Then they get to know the system of reward miles, stickers and behaviour evaluation. At first they are surprised to find out what they are being rewarded for. Then the need for another reward often overrides the original interest in the behaviour." In science, this unintended consequence of rewards is also known as the corrupting effect. The inner drive to do something is replaced by an external drive.

Carrot and stick

So are rewards in education a mistake? Are they not useful because they reinforce positive behaviour? At any rate, I was brought up with this assumption, as were many others in today's generation of parents.

Shortly before his death, Danish family therapist Jesper Juul stated that today's generation of parents had democratised their relationship with their children to a greater extent. «Over time, we have made the manipulation of our children increasingly gentle,» he wrote. However, this does not mean that rewards and punishments have become obsolete as methods - he described them as «carrots and sticks».

Today, however, punishments are often referred to as «consequences» or «consistent reactions to misbehaviour».

Albert Düggeli, developmental psychologist

Punishment, including corporal punishment, continues to play a significant role in the everyday lives of many families. This is confirmed by a study by the Institute for Family Research at the University of Fribourg, among others. «Today, however, punishments are often referred to as "consequences» or «consistent reactions to misbehaviour», says developmental psychologist Albert Düggeli. That may sound better, but ultimately means nothing else.

Last summer, I was able to observe how unpleasant this threat of «consistent behaviour» can be at the outdoor pool. A boy of about eight dunked his younger sister under the water several times. She laughed at first, then protested loudly. At one point, the father said: «Stop it, otherwise I'll show you what it's like.» Then he said: «Last warning.» When his son submerged his sister once more, the father jumped into the pool and pushed the violently wriggling boy under the water. When he let him surface again, his son sobbed loudly. His sister screamed. And the father also looked as if he wanted to cry. It was a drama. The story might have turned out differently if the father had said: «Play nice with your sister and we'll have an ice cream later.»

Is reward better than punishment?

Rewards are intended to provide incentives and show the child what kind of interaction or behaviour is socially acceptable. So aren't rewards the better alternative to punishments in education? Especially as they are also part of our professional world: What is a bonus payment other than a reward? And a recent survey by the market research institute Sotomo showed that 31 per cent of Swiss parents reward good grades, diligence at school and exemplary behaviour with more pocket money.

Anyone who talks to developmental psychologists or educationalists about these methods quickly realises that parenting experts are almost unanimous in saying that neither is really useful. What both strategies have in common is that they allow parents - or other adult carers - to demand something from children and in return allow, give, forbid or withdraw something from them.

Nobody doubts that this is often effective. It's amazing how quickly a single gummy bear can persuade a kindergarten child to put on a jacket that they had previously spent half an hour clamouring over.

«If you're quiet now, I'll give you another ice cream later.» «If you don't stop playing with your mobile phone all the time, I'll take it away.» «If you don't join in, you'll get a time-out in your room.» «If you don't make a fuss while brushing your teeth, I'll read to you.» Who hasn't heard these or similar if-then sentences? Parents may not be particularly proud of their pedagogical approach in these moments; on the contrary, they often feel helpless or powerless. But the basic assumption is that sometimes there is simply no other way.

Children should work

Psychologist Nadine Zimet believes this is a tragic misjudgement. Of course there is another way. And it should be. «You should first be clear about the attitude behind both methods,» says the behavioural therapist and trainer in non-violent communication, who runs the Centre for Gifted Education in Zurich. There she advises and trains parents on the concept of non-punitive parenting.

Rewarding and punishing are based on the same manipulative principle. Harsh critics claim: We reward obedience.

«The children should work. Not do any work. They should obey their parents. It should just work.» Both methods are based on the same manipulative principle: with a punishment, we threaten to deliberately make a child unhappy so that they change their behaviour. With a reward, we reward desirable behaviour. Harsh critics claim that we reward obedience. We don't think about whether we are forcing our child to do something and forcing them into a norm that doesn't suit them. Remarkably, the basic idea behind these methods goes back to the theory of behaviourism: the form of behaviour control that was tested on dogs, pigeons and chimpanzees at the end of the 19th century.

Rewarding and punishing damages the relationship

«We would never treat a boyfriend or girlfriend like that,» says Nadine Zimet. «The reason behind this is that parents don't treat their children as equals. They see themselves hierarchically above them.» The psychologist recognises the objection that is often raised at this point: Parents have to teach their children what is right and wrong. How else is a three-year-old supposed to learn that he shouldn't steal toys from his friend? How is a 13-year-old supposed to know what manners are important on social networks? And that it's not okay to post photos of girlfriends on Instagram?

«Of course, parents are superior to their children in terms of life experience,» says Nadine Zimet. «But as personalities, adults and young people should meet as equals.» This is not the case with either method. «Parents then abuse their power manipulatively.»

The American author and social scientist Alfie Kohn is one of the most radical critics of this educational system. In his book «Love and Autonomy. The Art of Unconditional Parenting, Beyond Reward and Punishment», he argues over three hundred pages that both practices should be banned from everyday family life. He claims that they are particularly damaging to the parent-child relationship. «They signal to children that parental love is conditional.» Even if this is not the case at all, says Alfie Kohn, this is the message that gets through to children.

It's about insight, not short-term success

«Furthermore, these measures do not have the effect that parents hope for,» says Nuša Sager, psychotherapist at the Klaus Grawe Institute in Zurich. After all, the goal is not just a short-term improvement in a specific situation. Parents want insight and a lasting change in behaviour: children should understand that they shouldn't dawdle around in the morning before kindergarten and put their shoes on. The hope is that if they are rewarded for their participation, this will be memorised. Children should realise that they shouldn't shout in anger and throw toys. If they are sent to «time out» for discipline, they will behave differently next time. Teens should fulfil their duties and surf the net less. If you take away their mobile phones for a day, they will do everything they can to avoid being punished in the same way again.

«However, various studies have shown that children often don't understand the meaning behind the measures and perceive the situation very differently,» says Nuša Sager. The trainer for parent education and emotional competences advises children to first consider whether they can act differently in a certain situation, whether they are already at that stage in their development and have the impulse control or emotion regulation.

If a child is punished for breaking a rule, it learns one thing above all, says Nuša Sager: «It mustn't get caught next time.» Children then start to cheat and lie. «We create antisocial behaviour,» says psychologist Nadine Zimet. The Institute for Family Research at the University of Fribourg found similar results: the study on the punitive behaviour of parents in Switzerland shows that reprimands do not lead to exemplary social behaviour, but on the contrary to bad behaviour at school, lying, stealing and aggression.

Punish out of helplessness

Setting boundaries and communicating rules when a child doesn't co-operate? If they don't respond to friendly requests and stubbornly do their own thing? How are you supposed to show that you are happy about their willingness to help if praise is considered a reward? Psychologists agree: parents punish or bait their children because they feel helpless. They often have no role models for a parenting style that they approve of. They don't really want to use the authoritarian methods of previous generations. And they simply don't have the time to try out all sorts of things.

In stressful moments, parents fall back into old patterns

«The reality of parents' lives involves a huge to-do list, lots of pressure, anger and exhaustion,» says psychologist Nadine Zimet. This overload has consequences: Especially in stressful moments, parents hear themselves saying sentences that they recognise from their childhood and that they actually reject. Where does this come from?

In moments of conflict, rational solutions are blocked by strong emotions. Parents then quickly fall into old patterns, even if they don't like them. Their experiences as parents are characterised by a kind of double experience: on the one hand, they were the «victims» or, to put it more neutrally, the «recipients» of their parents' parenting methods. On the other hand, they have also learned how the «perpetrators» or «educators» should be, as their parents were automatically their role models for behaviour. «When we overstep our children's boundaries, we as parents set an example for them that it is okay to harm others,» says psychologist Nuša Sager.

Which values and behaviours do I want to adopt and which not?

Breaking through the system

The first step in breaking through this system is to become aware of your own imprints and reflect on difficult patterns. What was my mother like in stressful situations? What was my father like when he was angry with me? These reflections are not about doubting your own childhood: they are about taking stock. Which values and behaviours do you want to adopt and which not? Nadine Zimet compares this process of developing alternatives to traditions with learning a new language: "You can't do that overnight either, it takes practice and time.

So what do I do if my child hits another child in the playground? Can I force them to apologise? Alfie Kohn's answer would be that my child won't feel any real remorse. On the contrary: he is only pretending to be sorry for my sake. It would make more sense to explain to my child how the other person feels. And to ask: What could you do to make the other child feel better?

Involve the children in drawing up rules

If the child does not respond and continues to behave aggressively, you can actually go home. «The child may perceive this as a punishment, so you have to explain this step to them,» says psychology professor Albert Düggeli. «You can say something like: You know, if you hurt other children, I have to protect them.» It is important that a child understands why their parents set certain rules.

If possible, children can be involved in drawing up certain rules. Internet and mobile phone use are examples of areas where joint, binding agreements can help. «If your teenager spends their days in front of a screen, it doesn't help at all to simply take away their tablet or mobile phone as a punishment,» says Düggeli. «Then you're just the stupid mobile phone thief, and as soon as you turn your back on the child, everything goes back to normal.»

Those who refrain from punishments and rewards are not establishing a rule-free coexistence without parental guidance.

Step 1 would be to check whether the time spent online is valuable for the child. Are they socialising with friends there? Are they being creative there? How does it make them feel about themselves? «Step 2 would be to create an alternative to mobile phone use. Can you find something together with your child that is just as much fun?» says Albert Düggeli.

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Children should learn about their parents' boundaries

«Children want recognition and affirmation,» says psychotherapist Nuša Sager. «But they don't need material rewards for this, they need attention and a relationship.» How would the situation at the outdoor pool have turned out if the father had simply joined his children in the pool beforehand? If he had said: «Come on, your sister doesn't like this, let's play something else together.»

Parents who want to do without punishments and rewards are not establishing a rule-free coexistence without parental guidance. This also means that children learn to recognise their parents' boundaries. Adults can and should say what they don't like. The decisive factor here is the attitude towards the child. Do I expect them to obey me? Or do I treat them with respect? Just thinking about this difference changes the way we interact.