«If we argue constructively, our children will learn to do the same»
Mr Voelchert, when I was little, my parents argued almost every day. My father was very impulsive, usually got very loud when arguing and also used a lot of swear words. My mum sometimes cried. Did my parents do everything wrong?
No, I don't think so. Many people think that we are bad parents or had bad parents if things aren't or weren't harmonious. But harmony is not a sign of good relationships. Harmony is a snapshot of a long process that starts again and again. Unfortunately, harmony and freedom from conflict sometimes become an addiction in this day and age. No conflict means a good relationship. That's not true, of course. Conflicts are part of every relationship.
So fighting in front of children is not bad per se?
Disputes are wonderful and part of life. But only if it is conducted constructively. Destructive arguments are terrible for children. For example, if the argument never comes to an end and the mood is constantly bad.
What does that trigger in children?
If a child witnesses an argument like this once, then nothing happens. However, if there is constant destructive arguing, then this is very stressful for the children. For example, if mum and dad constantly accuse each other of the same thing - «you always do this and that» or «you never listen to me» - and don't find a solution or approach each other. Children then quickly feel responsible for the argument, develop feelings of guilt and fear of loss.
A 9-year-old girl, whose parents often argued and eventually separated, once said to me: «When I lie in bed at night and hear my parents arguing, I tense my muscles very tightly and lie rigidly in bed because I'm afraid that my parents will split up. I hope so much that my mum and dad will stay together.»
What would be an absolute no-go for mums and dads when arguing in front of the children?
Not just in front of the children, but in general, it would be a no-go to denigrate the other person. Projecting your own hatred onto your partner. What you should also avoid is going round and round in circles. Making the same accusations over and over again. The same theatre. I experienced the same thing with my parents and resolved very early on to do things differently. Sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I didn't.
I have two children and keep finding myself not behaving the way I would like to when arguing with my husband. Do you have any tips on how I can manage this better?
We often react inappropriately when we are stressed. When we have taken on too much and are not looking after ourselves. Arguing then provides stress relief. But it would be better if we got rid of the stress before we start arguing. When I give seminars, I often tell the participants to imagine a glass of water that is filled to the top and almost overflowing. The water symbolises stress. Stress at work, stress with the children, stress in the partnership, stress with the parents-in-law, stress with myself. Another drop of stress falls into the glass and it overflows. It's just one drop too many. My child may drop a glass of cocoa on the freshly cleaned floor or my partner may say something wrong and I burst. My reaction is no longer appropriate to what has happened. My partner gets everything that's in the glass. Now the big question is: what do you do? The solution I've found for myself is to drink it. We have to make sure that this glass doesn't get too full.
And how does that work?
By moving and converting aggressive energy. By exercising, taking care of yourself and allowing yourself breaks. By getting rid of what's inside you.
Aggression is an important inner strength that we have and also need.
In other words, aggression is an energy that needs to be released in other ways rather than through arguments?
Exactly. Aggression is an important inner force that we have and also need. Aggression is nothing more than energy. But if I let it build up until I can no longer contain it, then this little drop will cause the barrel to overflow. And then the others get it all.
Children often try to settle arguments.
I have very special experience in this area. My own parents always used me as a mediator. I moved out when I was 18 and they kept calling me and telling me that I had to come because they were arguing. I did that for two years and realised that it wasn't working and that I had to stop.
What does it do to children when they become mediators?
You feel big at first. But this is the wrong kind of big feeling. And they take on responsibility that they are not yet able to bear. This quickly overwhelms them. Settling disputes is not their job. Children must be allowed to remain children.
What is a good, constructive argument?
If I tackle the conflict with myself first. If I manage to look at myself, capture the escalating emotion and only then go into the negotiation: That is constructive. When I don't approach my counterpart with accusations, but with first-person messages. Disputes as such, if they are conducted constructively, are a form of dialogue. I listen to the other person's opinion, let it sink in and think about it. After a few hours or days, I approach the other person and say: «This makes sense to me, but that doesn't.»
Couples very often argue about insignificant things.
Can a child also benefit from a constructive argument?
Of course, always. Children copy everything we do. If we argue destructively, they also argue destructively. If we learn to change our culture of arguing to a constructive one, then our children will also learn to argue constructively.
You have already counselled many couples in conflict situations. What do parents argue about most often?
Couples very often argue about unimportant things. It often revolves around the topic of tidiness. One person thinks it's better to put everything in the dishwasher, while the other prefers to do the dishes by hand. It's a great topic to argue about. But in my experience, the argument isn't the real issue, it's just a pretence. A stress issue. And these superficial issues prevent us from tackling the real issues.
What are the main topics?
They often deal with topics that have to do with their own childhood. With the experience of one's own parents. You have to remember that two people from different planets come together. On one planet people prayed, on the other there was no God at all. Coming together under such conditions is a great challenge, but also a great opportunity.
What do children say about their parents' arguments?
They always play it down. When a family with three children comes to me for counselling, the children don't say: «My parents argue so much.» Children are very loyal to their parents. It's difficult for them to say: «You hurt me and now I'm angry with you.»
It's about making the child realise that our life is not an advertising TV show or a children's series.
When my husband and I argue, my daughter often tells us that she doesn't think it's great and that she's afraid we'll split up.
If this can be said in a family, the war is won. If the children can say «I don't like it when you argue, I'm afraid you'll split up» and the parents hear what they say and react to it, then it becomes constructive.
Or you tell the child: «I understand if you're sad, but arguments are part of life. We have conflicts from time to time, but we'll solve them together now.»
Exactly. It's about making the child realise that our life is not commercial television or a children's series. What we see in soaps and series today is not real life. The real conflicts are often not portrayed at all. And when they are shown, it is usually not shown what you can do. How to behave and deal constructively with a conflict situation.
The Conni books come to mind, which also depict an ideal world without conflicts between parents.
Yes, and it's important to tell children: «It's quite natural that you wish for the Conni world. But we are not a Conni family. We're a normal family where things sometimes go haywire and where there are unreasonable adults. But we're working on improving bit by bit.»
When stress increases, the potential for conflict increases and sometimes you let a situation escalate where you would previously have remained calm.
We keep hearing in the media that domestic violence and arguments in families are on the rise due to the pandemic. What is your impression of how families are doing at the moment?
There is a good Swiss study that says that four out of five families are doing quite well when it comes to corona. But these are the families where things were going quite well before. And in the 20 per cent of families where things were already going badly, things are now going even worse. This is because the support they received from outside is missing. In our counselling sessions, we also see that many families are doing quite well, but that some families are also reaching their limits. The stress simply increases. And when the stress increases, the potential for conflict increases, and then sometimes a situation escalates where you would have remained calm in the past.
The fact that arguments are increasing is probably also due to the fact that people are spending more time together. Isn't it?
It's not the time. In our experience, it's the lack of space that gets you down. If you have to live with four people in 50 square metres, but it was never planned that way because normally one parent spends most of the day at work and the children are at nursery or school, but now many more are at home, then that leads to more conflict. That's clear. If four people live in a 100 square metre house and everyone has their own room and can close the door, then we have a completely different situation. That's why the domestic situation in socially disadvantaged families is much more precarious, because they are too close together.
In other words, the more space, the fewer conflicts?
Space is a very important element for couple relationships and relationships in families. In this day and age, it is fundamentally important that fathers, mothers and children each have their own space in which they can withdraw.
So each parent also needs their own room?
At best, yes. In nine out of ten families, I have found that they need much more space than they think. When it comes to the children, parents usually agree that they each need their own room. However, it usually doesn't occur to them that they might also need a room each as adults. That they might also feel the need to close the door.
And that would then help to prevent conflicts?
Exactly. An important preventative measure against arguments about superficial topics is the opportunity to withdraw. The opportunity to say: «I don't want to talk any more about this, I'm going to withdraw.» You withdraw to cool down. Then you can come out again after ten minutes or two hours and the emotional charge is gone. You can talk to each other again in a friendly way. That's absolutely important and is totally underestimated.
Arguing is a vital self-defence measure.
More arguments at home, closed schools, contact restrictions: Are children being permanently harmed by coronavirus measures?
I can't go along with the hysteria that children will now be traumatised for generations. I think that's far too high. It may happen in individual cases of the 20 per cent reported in the Swiss study. These families would need all the help a state can give. But I don't believe that all children will suffer psychological damage from the coronavirus measures.
What about parents who don't resolve their conflicts - at least not in front of their children. Is it possible to argue too little?
Yes, of course. If you don't express dissent, you don't argue enough. If we allow others to constantly cross our boundaries, we become ill. Arguing is a vital self-defence measure.
When the children see that their parents are getting along again, it can be a wonderful experience for them.
For many parents, a harmonious family life is the greatest good. But what happens when you pretend harmony for your children, but there is a seething inside?
They realise and are alerted. The children realise that something is wrong and that mum and dad are playing tricks on them.
What feelings come up in children?
I can't trust my parents.
So moving the argument to the evening isn't a solution either?
No. The parents have to say to the children: «We have different opinions on different things, but we are trying to find a solution.»
An argument between my husband and I escalates in front of the children. How do I approach my children afterwards?
When we have calmed down again, we need to sit down with the children and put into words what has just happened. Parents can say: «We still don't agree, but we've calmed down again. And we want to tell you that sometimes we are unreasonable and do stupid things. The argument was such a stupid thing. We're not perfect and we make mistakes too.»
It is important to respond to the children's feelings. They are afraid in a situation like this. They are afraid that their parents will split up, separate. That the family will break up. But when the children see that their parents get along again afterwards, it can be a wonderful experience for them. It shows them how resilient their family is. According to the motto: "An argument doesn't knock us down. My parents do argue, but then they get back together. This is important information for the children. They realise that their existence is not at risk.
When should you get help?
If destructive arguments occur again and again and you have the impression that you can't cope on your own, counselling or short-term therapy can be helpful.
