«I want to make my own decisions!»

«Why don't you ask Sarah?»

Hello Sarah
I have a huge problem. Whenever I want to decide something, my parents and my teacher are always against it. For example, whether I should cycle or take the bus. Or whether I have to do the extra maths homework, even though I'm already really good at everything. Everyone acts as if they know better. But I know much better myself what's good for me. It's always been like that. Why can't I finally decide for myself?
Dennis, 12

Dear Dennis
You say something very important: «I know what's good for me.» My opinion is that almost every child can actually sense what is good for them. Nevertheless, every child needs their parents (or close carers) to look after them and take care of them so that they can develop healthily. And most children are happy for their parents to make decisions for them.

The same applies to school: the teacher must ensure that an entire class of schoolchildren receives the best possible support in order to learn the school material and positive social behaviour. If the teacher did not take the lead in this, there would be too much chaos. For most pupils, this is okay and they can accept that the teacher decides what to do and what not to do.

Nevertheless, there are children who know exactly what they want and what they don't want from an early age. Some adults think that these children are stubborn, selfish or badly behaved. But these children are not. They simply have the need to be allowed to decide for themselves. And they do this because they think wisely and realise what is good for them.

The whole family has needs

I am sure that you are one of these children, dear Dennis. And I suspect that you are particularly intelligent. Because it takes cleverness, logical thinking and a lot of realism to say clearly at such a young age: «That's what I want to do!» or «That doesn't make sense, that's why I'm not doing it!».

Why don't your parents and teachers just let you decide for yourself? Because it would be a lot more complicated for them if they had to include and accept your opinion on every matter. Maybe you have siblings that your parents also have to look after. Then it will be all the more challenging if mum and dad have to take the individual needs of all family members into account every time.

It takes a lot of common sense and a certain amount of life experience to make your own decisions.

Your wish to finally be able to make your own decisions will be fulfilled by your 18th birthday at the latest. Then you will be of legal age and can decide for yourself what you do or don't do. You will even be able to conclude contracts independently. Of course, you will then also have to bear the consequences of everything you do from the age of eighteen. As this requires a lot of common sense and a certain amount of life experience, it makes sense that you have to reach a certain age first.

But now to your current situation, which is very unsatisfactory for you. I recommend that you have a conversation with your parents as a couple. Not just quickly in the car or at lunch. Explain to your parents that you are suffering and often feel like a toddler when they continue to tell you what to do. You have now reached puberty and are well able to distinguish where there is a certain risk (e.g. riding your bike in the rain) and where you can judge for yourself whether something is necessary or not - such as the extra maths exercises.

Ask them to give you more room for manoeuvre for three months. Define together which areas this concerns. For example, how you go to school, what you wear, what you study, how you use your pocket money. It would be best if you wrote this down on a piece of paper. Please also set a date in three months' time when you want to discuss all of this again and perhaps adjust it.

I hope that this will bring a little more self-determination (the foreign word is autonomy) into your life. Now it's up to you to show that you are mature enough for this and can really take more responsibility for yourself.