It's tough when you've always been at the top and suddenly find yourself falling behind. In primary school, I was top of my class, but in secondary school I suddenly had to learn – and I didn't know how. Sometimes my stepfather would try to explain something to me for hours until we both lost our temper.
I was told I had to work harder, study more instead of gaming. But no matter how much I crammed, I just couldn't get my head around maths. It was frustrating and painful that everyone thought I was lazy. Maybe my life would have turned out differently if they had figured out what was wrong back then. Then I would have been diagnosed with ADHD and received the support I needed earlier on.
I'm shy, but pills and alcohol made it easy to approach people.
There were constant arguments at home . My mother put pressure on us about school and was strict about mobile phone and going out rules. She didn't like the fact that our secondary school friends smoked weed. She was afraid we might try harder drugs on Saturday nights in the village. Today she knows that it was all harmless.
First ecstasy pills in the nursery
I started spending more weekends with my father in the city. He gave me a lot of freedom. I met young people who hung out together in the park. They all took drugs – not just a little, and not just soft stuff. I was curious. That's how I got my first ecstasy pills. In the evening, in my bedroom, when everyone was asleep, I took half one. Then another. It was like entering a new dimension.
After the trip, I noticed that I had chewed my cheeks until they bled. I kept a low profile and repeated the same scenario the next evening. When I came home from school the next day, my mother had found the pills. She freaked out and was desperate. She tried to maintain control with even greater severity. I withdrew from her and moved in with my father shortly before my 15th birthday.
I spent my nights out on the town at the weekend. The benzodiazepine Xanax made it easier for me to socialise. I'm shy, but pills and alcohol made it easy to approach people. This was followed by a phase in which I took up to two Xanax tablets a day, which I got cheaply. Then I became friends with someone who did cocaine, and suddenly I was right in the middle of it.
I had myself admitted to a psychiatric ward, where my mind finally found peace.
Caught in a web of lies
Cocaine use is easy to hide. That suited me fine, as I had just started my apprenticeship. I took my first hit in the morning. In my free time, I mixed everything I could get my hands on: Xanax, coke, cough syrup, alcohol. It was expensive. I had to sell my clothes and things were starting to spiral out of control. It was becoming increasingly difficult to hide my drug use. I was caught in a web of lies. One morning, on my way to work, I collapsed. I had myself admitted to a psychiatric ward, where my mind finally found peace.
After three months in hospital, I met my now ex-girlfriend. She saved my life. I got back on my feet, found a new apprenticeship and broke off contact with everyone who used drugs. I found my passion in cooking. The kitchen is no cosy place; you have to be able to cope with the chef throwing your dish against the wall if you mess up.
I work hard for eleven hours or more every day, and my boss gives me plenty of freedom to come up with my own ideas. I attend the talent class – a support programme for trainees with special potential that gives us the opportunity to work in top restaurants. Next year, I'll finish my apprenticeship and then go abroad. I want to work in the top establishments. Everything else is secondary to this goal. When I'm not working, I sleep. I'm someone who needs to be energised and passionate about something. Otherwise, it doesn't work out well. There's no room for drugs. One thing I know for sure: I can't get my hands on that stuff anymore.
* Name changed
