How your child learns to take responsibility

When asked what they want for their child in the future, many parents have the same answer: for them to be happy. And we all hope that we can give our children at least some of what they need to achieve this: good self-esteem, for example. The ability to stand up for themselves without losing sight of others. The experience of being a member of a community and making a contribution that counts.

Personal responsibility is the kind of responsibility a person has to train.

Jesper Juul

You could say that someone who takes care of themselves and others in this way takes on the responsibility that - ideally - their parents used to bear for them. Almost completely, when their child was an infant, in order to then hand it over step by step to the young person who is growing up. What is important here? How does a child learn to take responsibility for themselves and others? When can parents give them responsibility for what? And how do they know whether they are strengthening their child's independence - and not overburdening them?

The matter of basic trust

«Personal responsibility is the kind of responsibility that a person has to train to master well,» wrote the Danish family therapist Jesper Juul, who died in 2019. «This is why children cannot immediately «prove» - and thus reassure their parents - that they are able to take responsibility for themselves and others.» Research also shows that responsibility has to be learnt.

At the family table, there are opportunities to discuss the consequences of your own decisions.

It is known from developmental biology and brain research that certain behavioural dispositions, which are regarded as «precursor skills» for responsibility, are inherent in humans: the ability to empathise, for example, or to learn through imitation. However, social learning - the experiences we have with our environment - is decisive for whether and how these predispositions come into play.

Early bonding experiences play a key role in this, says Eveline Gutzwiller-Helfenfinger, lecturer in developmental psychology and curative education at the Schwyz University of Teacher Education: «If an infant experiences that its needs for food, protection, warmth and security are reliably met, this not only strengthens its bond with its caregivers, it also establishes its trust in the world and in itself.»

This experience epitomises what the psychoanalyst Erik Erikson called basic trust. But what does this have to do with responsibility? Quite a lot, as attachment research suggests: Those who experience care, reliability and recognition from their caregivers from birth will later be more able and willing to treat others in the same way.

Conversely, studies indicate that insecure attachment experiences in early childhood increase the risk of irresponsible behaviour in adulthood, such as criminal offences or drug abuse.

Helping the child to understand and name emotions

Parents who are lovingly attentive to their child promote qualities that are essential for responsible behaviour. Knowledge about emotions, for example. «A child must first learn to understand and name their own feelings,» says Gutzwiller-Helfenfinger.

The expert knows that parents can help them by mirroring their child's emotions and saying: «Now you're happy, how nice!» Or: «You're angry because you'd like an ice cream now and you're not getting one.»

Over time, such «translation aids» enable the child to categorise their own emotions and develop an understanding of those of the other person. After all, responsible behaviour requires us to be able to empathise with others - in the knowledge that everyone has their own view of the world.

The development of the theory of mind, as the ability to adopt perspectives is also known in developmental psychology, begins from the age of three. «It paves the way for help and cooperation,» says Moritz Daum, Head of Developmental Psychology at the University of Zurich. «Through the ability to adopt perspectives, I recognise, for example, that another person wants to achieve something but is unable to do so alone. At the same time, I realise that I can provide help.»

According to Daum, parents can support this development by making connections that do not initially seem obvious to the child more tangible. For example, in the playground: «Look, the girl is crying. She is sad. Can you imagine why? Do you remember how sad you were when your shovel was taken away?»

Participation in togetherness, whether in dialogue or in joint action, is the basic prerequisite for social learning.

Eveline Gutzwiller-Helfenfinger, lecturer in developmental psychology

Later, discussions at the family table provide an opportunity to practise adopting perspectives and also to discuss what it means to bear the consequences of one's own decisions, to take responsibility and to act responsibly: The colleague at work who gets into debt and now has money worries, the neighbour who may need help after her accident, the family budget that isn't enough for everything - it's worthwhile not reserving such topics for adult discussions, but also discussing them with children.

Participation in the community, whether in dialogue or in joint action, is the basic prerequisite for social learning. Gutzwiller-Helfenfinger says that people are born with this desire: «Children express the need to participate in the community at an early age. From around the age of two, they want to join in, whether it's playing with their peers or doing household chores in imitation of their parents.»

Children practise skills that make responsible behaviour possible in the first place. Of central importance here are the so-called executive functions, whose development is only fully completed in early adulthood. They allow us to plan and implement actions and assess their consequences.

An important executive function is self-regulation: the ability to control attention in a targeted manner and to direct feelings and behaviour in such a way that we do not give in to every impulse. Those who have well-developed self-regulation are able to follow the lesson over time, even though chatting would be more tempting, or can sometimes take a back seat in the group.

«We learn self-regulation from birth,» says Gutzwiller-Helfenfinger. When parents cradle and comfort their babies, they help them to self-soothe - later on, everyday tasks provide a training ground for self-regulation.

«Dressing themselves, folding laundry, helping with the cooking,» says Gutzwiller-Helfenfinger. «With challenges like these, a child practises independence, problem-solving skills and frustration tolerance. It's important that parents don't intervene immediately when problems arise, but let the child do it - even if the jumper is on backwards or the washing is creased.» According to the expert, all of this promotes self-regulation and, through the experience of self-efficacy, also motivates the child to take on more responsibility.

Stumbling blocks and opportunities with the «Ämtli»

It's a well-known fact that it doesn't necessarily take less effort to get the kids involved - if the seven-year-old grabs the hoover, the house cleaning might take twice as long. With younger children in particular, it is therefore very tempting to do without their help. «It's not about leaving everything behind if a child wants to get involved,» says Gutzwiller-Helfenfinger.

In principle, however, parents would do well to involve children as often as possible. The researcher knows that participation has a lot to do with learning responsibility: it encourages children to stand up for their own interests, teaches them to consider the interests of others and allows them to plan and realise their own and shared goals.

It is important that parents do not intervene straight away, but let the child do it, even if there are problems.

Participation often means helping out, whether at home or at school. The «Ämtli» seems to be the classic when it comes to teaching children responsibility. According to developmental psychologist Daum, there are several reasons for this. Firstly: «We learn through repetition, regardless of whether it's about school content or aspects of living together. With recurring tasks, children consolidate their knowledge and expand it step by step.»

Secondly: «The family mirrors society on a small scale. Ideally, children learn here that they are part of a community that counts on their contribution and recognises it.» According to Daum, this impression is reinforced when children receive feedback on their cooperation - even if things don't go smoothly: «I know you didn't feel like doing the washing up. We're glad you did it anyway. Now there's room to cook in the kitchen again.»

By giving their child responsibility for a task, parents are signalling their trust in them, says Daum, which helps a child to feel recognised and taken seriously. The way they deal with their responsibilities also teaches them that decisions have consequences: If you don't do the laundry promptly, you won't have any fresh clothes left.

The challenge lies in always adapting the framework to the child's stage of development.

Moriz Daum, psychologist

However, the expert knows that such learning effects are only possible if duties take into account the child's stage of development. A «chore» that fulfils these requirements is associated with clear, age-appropriate instructions, says Daum: «If I ask a five-year-old to tidy up his room, it may be too much for him. If, on the other hand, I say: please collect all the Legos and put them in this box, the child will know what I'm talking about.»

In addition, instructions should build on the child's previous knowledge, on processes and content that they are familiar with. «This enables the child to integrate new information into the context and learn more,» says Daum.

We would hardly entrust a child who needs company on the road with shopping at the bakery. If, on the other hand, they know the route from walking to school on their own, the situation is different - the child has prior knowledge. Their new challenge may lie in the fact that they have never been shopping alone before. Even if they only have to buy bread rolls and milk, it is therefore likely that something will be forgotten. In this case, a shopping list drawn up together can help.

How much freedom can I allow?

«In this way, parents determine the framework within which the child can explore and experience things for themselves: What can go well, what can go wrong?» says Daum. «They offer them a little help, but ideally only in areas that are beyond their knowledge.» The challenge lies in always adapting the framework to the child's stage of development and expanding it to include new room for manoeuvre. How much control is needed, how much freedom can I allow?

«Parents can only give themselves this answer by observing their child closely,» says Daum. And: «Children must also be allowed to reach their personal limits and we as parents must allow them to test or exceed the limits we have set. Such experiences help to constantly readjust the framework.»

Children need freedom so that they can try out their own responsibility. Or, as Jesper Juul put it in a column for this magazine: «Letting children take responsibility for themselves means that we as parents have to give up a little of our power.» Because no matter how democratically parents parent, in the eyes of their children they have almost unlimited decision-making power. This is why children want to make more and more decisions themselves as they develop. «They are actually pushing for greater personal responsibility,» says Juul.

Parents know the drill: even at pre-school age, children insist on having more say, whether at the dinner table or when choosing their clothes. Later on, they want to choose their own friends and hobbies, ask you not to interfere, negotiate bedtimes, homework and going out. And the older they get, the less parental control they have.

Young people have to make decisions, some of which have far-reaching consequences. It's better if the youngsters have practised making them by then. Consequently, teaching a child responsibility also means letting them make their own decisions. Not always naturally - but more and more often.

Independent, but not self-determined

However, when children take on responsibility, they often don't do so according to adult expectations. «My son was in his second year of kindergarten when there were arguments every morning. I constantly had to push him to eat breakfast, brush his teeth, get dressed and get on with it,» recalls Zurich family counsellor Maya Risch. «At some point, I asked him if he could imagine getting ready on his own in future. I would just wake him up, make breakfast - and stop talking so much. He immediately said yes, that's what he wanted.»

Teaching a child responsibility also means letting them make more and more decisions for themselves.

As easy as it was to come to an agreement, it was difficult to actually leave the responsibility to the son. «Because that means that the child decides for himself when to eat breakfast, brush his teeth and get dressed,» says Risch. «It also means that he bears the consequences for any lateness himself.»

Her son happily took charge of his morning rituals, but was still in his pyjamas five minutes before leaving. «It was almost unbearable for me,» recalls Risch, «I had to distract myself so as not to push him.» After a good ten days, the child started to get dressed earlier on his own. «He obviously had to make sure that I was serious,» says Risch. «And I had to learn to accept that my child has his own routine.»

«If independence in education is important to me, I sometimes simply have to accept what my child is able to achieve in their own way,» says Fabian Grolimund. According to the learning coach and psychologist, this means living with the results - the spelling mistakes on the birthday card, the unevenly topped pizza.

«The more I intervene as an adult,» says Grolimund, «the more I give the child the feeling that they can't do things on their own.» What adults often want from children is independence, but please without self-determination, he criticises: «We think it's important that they act independently - but then in the way we think is right.»

Grolimund sees this as a problem: «We emphasise independence and personal responsibility at every opportunity - and at the same time have never exercised so much control over children.»

A contradiction in terms, he believes: «Because children learn a lot when there is no intention of teaching them anything. In order to gradually test their own responsibility, they need time to get to know themselves and try things out. This is best achieved through free play.» Time with peers, without adults offering a programme and interfering in social interaction - such free spaces have become rare.

Teaching children personal responsibility also means giving them freedom. Giving up some control. It does not mean that children can or should decide everything. Or, to put it in the words of German educationalist and bestselling author Susanne Mierau: «Rather, it means that we look closely at the children and consider in which areas they can bear this personal responsibility themselves. It also means constantly questioning this view in the course of parenthood and expanding the child's personal responsibility with regard to their growing abilities.»

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