How to achieve equality in a partnership

Don't distribute tasks, distribute responsibility!

I see men who think they are in an equal relationship because they support their wives. They take out the rubbish, do the washing up and pick up the children from nursery. Is that emancipation? Does equality in a couple mean that the man supports his wife in the household and with childcare?
The answer is obvious to me, because you can't support someone at eye level. You can only support someone who bears the responsibility. And that's exactly the point: responsibility.

Even if you divide up tasks well as a couple, the woman still traditionally feels responsible for the household and childcare. And responsibility burdens and stresses us. Responsibility means maintaining an overview, constantly keeping an eye on everything, thinking about everything, keeping your eyes and ears open, accepting feedback, reflecting on situations ... not switching off.

And in the back of your mind, that quiet whisper that says: «Actually, this is your job.»

1. take stock: Who feels responsible for what?

To get out of this support trap, we first need to talk to each other about responsibility. The first thing my partner and I realised in our conversations was the division of responsibilities that we had unconsciously established:
He: car (repairs, insurance, changing tyres, etc.)
Me: decorating the flat, presents for friends and family
Him: dishwasher, cleaning the flat
Me: activities, trips, meeting up with friends
This doesn't mean that I haven't changed the tyres on my car (to prove to myself that I can do it). But I haven't thought about how worn the tread is, whether we need new tyres the next time we change them, and if we need new ones, which ones to buy, etc.

2. evaluate: Do we like this layout? What would we like to change?

After realising who has taken responsibility in which areas so far, we automatically thought about whether we like it that way or whether we want to change something. It helped us to get to know each other and our relationship even better and to better understand everyday situations and frustrations. It helped us to get into deeper conversations than blaming each other for not «seeing» the other person's tasks.

With the birth of our daughter, we saw many new tasks coming up that we wanted to tackle together. According to the traditional division of roles, the responsibility for our child would lie with me. However, this would contradict our idea of an equal relationship. So we organised the tasks into areas of responsibility and divided them up between us. This gives us the chance to divide up the areas in a way that is fun and easy for everyone.
For us, it looks like this.
He: doctor's appointments, transport (pram, baby carrier, car seat, ...)
Me: nutrition, clothes
In everyday life, I realise what abig difference it makes that we haven't divided up the tasks, but the responsibilities.
Let me explain this with the example of the paediatrician:
Handing over the task would mean I tell him, «Please go to the doctor on 3 March at 11:30 for a routine check-up. I'll give you the chip card. Please ask about the pimple on your tummy.»

Handing over responsibility means that he asks me: «You, I've made an appointment for the routine check-up soon and the little one has a pimple on her tummy, so I'll ask about it. Have you noticed anything else?»

Handing over responsibility is not so easy

Men can't just take responsibility for themselves, we women have to hand it over too. Giving up responsibility means trusting. This also means that I trust my partner completely, that I don't constantly control, that I let go. Letting go and accepting that your partner may do things differently requires a great deal of openness and flexibility as well as trust.

For me, there is also the challenge of confronting the expectations of other women. If another mum asks me what our paediatrician's name is and I can't come up with it straight away, I automatically feel bad. And no, I don't have an app that informs me about developmental spurts.

Responsibility does not mean that you have to do everything on your own

We haven't sorted all the tasks that arise into our areas of responsibility, but the ones we have sorted make me feel relaxed. I find that you take the task more seriously and more precisely when the responsibility is not floating around in the room, because you can't say later: «Oh, I thought you were doing that.»

If the responsibility is assigned, you can't blame your partner for «not seeing» a task. The person who is responsible fulfils the task or asks for support. Even if one person asks for support, the other doesn'thave to feel guilty that they didn't come up with the idea themselves.
Gradually, a trust develops that everyone will ask for support when they need it. And that is exactly what creates an incredible sense of relaxation.

It tends to go like this when things are unresolved: one person keeps taking out the rubbish for three weeks and the frustration increases with each time, until it is vented with accusations at their partner, who doesn't know what is happening to them. If I know that keeping the kitchen tidy and clean is my responsibility, I don't have to hope that my partner will take out the rubbish, I can ask him for help straight away without getting frustrated.

This text first appeared on Edition F.

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