How parents unconsciously reinforce their children's fears
The dog growls, the boy trembles, the mother reassures him: «He won't bite! Don't you want to stroke him? You don't need to be afraid!» Most children develop fears in the course of their lives. Almost every child is afraid of the dark, monsters or certain animals during childhood.
As a parent, you can remain completely relaxed in this case, leave the night light on and the bedroom door open, loudly chase away the monsters under the bed or let the child sleep in your bed after a nightmare. These fears usually disappear just as suddenly as they came.
Children with anxiety often think about what would happen if ... But they don't think this thought through to the end.
It is different when a child develops fears that restrict them and from which they suffer. As parents, you should react if your child often has sleepless nights before exams, suffers from social anxiety that makes it very difficult for them to approach other children, or if their fear of certain animals becomes so great that the child hardly dares to go outside.
When dealing with fears, parents can fall into a number of traps and thus unconsciously reinforce their child's fears. In this article, I would like to sensitise you to this. In the next issue - and in the film in the box below - you will find out how you can help your child to overcome their fears.
«You don't need to be afraid of that!»
Children often hear this phrase from adults when they are anxious. It reinforces the child's insecurity because it doesn't help the child to «switch off» their feelings, but instead characterises them as inappropriate. A frequent consequence is that the child is not less afraid, but begins to feel ashamed of their fears.
Instead, Tom's father said: «You know, as a child, that scared me at first too.» Tom immediately pricked up his ears and became curious: «And what did you do then?»
«You can definitely do it!»
Parents often want to reassure children that their worries are unfounded. Especially when it comes to exam nerves, I often come across assurances such as «You can do it!», «You'll definitely manage!». For a short time, these slogans may reassure the child - but more and more quickly the doubt sets in: «And if not? ...» Funnily enough, children are made even more insecure by such reassuring assurances.
Quick tips
- Take their feelings seriously. Talk to them about how they can deal with their fears.
- Show your child that fears are part of life and can be overcome. Don't give fear too much power.
- Make it clear to your child that you can give a presentation, write an exam or approach other children despite your fears.
- Explain to your child that you always get a second chance in life and that you can lead a happy life even if one or two «disasters» occur.
Selina, a young woman who was about to take her final apprenticeship exam, said to me: «My parents don't even think there's a chance that I'll fail! They always say that I'll definitely make it! They would certainly be super disappointed if things didn't go so smoothly in the exams!»
The subsequent conversation with her parents was more helpful, as they talked seriously about what would happen if Selina «didn't make it». The parents were able to explain to her in a credible manner that her world would not collapse for them as parents and that it would not be so tragic for Selina if she took a year longer.
Children with anxiety often think about what would happen if ... But they don't think this thought through to the end. If we help them to do just that, they often realise: firstly, it wouldn't be so tragic and secondly, there is a plan B!
«She couldn't concentrate because she was so scared!»
How we deal with anxiety often has a more decisive effect on the result than the anxiety itself. For example, there is almost no correlation between performance in exams and physical excitement. Negative effects on performance are usually due to worries distracting us from the exam.
As a parent, you can strengthen your child by showing them that they can allow and accept their feelings.
To give an example: actor Georg thinks: «Without stage fright, I simply can't give my full performance!» When his heart starts pounding just before the performance, he welcomes it. He has the feeling of being fully there and benefits from his «adrenaline rush».
Actor Oliver thinks: «I hope I don't get nervous!» When his heart starts pounding, he thinks: «Oh no! My heart is racing! Now it's starting again! Surely everyone can see how nervous I am! I'm sure I'll forget the lines!» His anxiety increases and his heart beats even harder. Distracted by all the negative thoughts about his anxiety symptoms, he actually falters.
Seek help if you have serious anxiety
If parents react very anxiously when their child reports fears, they can reinforce the «fear of fear» and awaken the feeling in the child: «If I get scared, I'm screwed! Then nothing will work!» As a parent, you can strengthen your child by teaching them that nervousness is part of such situations and that they can allow and accept these feelings.
You might even think about a sentence with your child such as: «I'm scared ... that's okay - I'm going to concentrate on the task again ... one thing at a time.» Or: «If I have a blackout, I'll turn the test round and say to myself: You're having a blackout right now - that can happen. Breathe in and out slowly and deeply and then read through the task again.»
Little fear monster lesson from the video series "What makes my child strong:
The little beaver is afraid of the lecture. Fortunately, his aunt is a beaver counsellor. Watch this short film to find out how you can help your child with their fears.
If your child suffers from anxiety, you should definitely seek help. Anxiety can usually be treated very well in therapy - and the gain in quality of life is so high that the effort is more than worth it! You can find help on the website of the FSP (Federation of Swiss Psychologists): www.psychologie.ch.
