How does bonding come about?

Parents have superpowers: they change their nappies around 6000 times before their little treasure is halfway dry. As a parent, you forgo an undisturbed night's sleep, and as soon as the child is older, you spend entire weekends on the sidelines or have endless debates about mobile phone rules and principles of order. Only to be told after about twelve years how embarrassing and strict you are, that other children have much, much cooler parents.

So what motivates mums and dads to go to such unconditional lengths for a child? The magic word is: bonding. The social and emotional relationship between parents and their child. Or, to put it another way, the powerful bond that holds child and parent together.

How does this emotional bond develop and what influences it? Is there a recipe for a successful parent-child bond? What happens if one ingredient is missing or the bond doesn't work? Is the mother really the most important attachment figure? And what influence do separations have on the relationship between children and their parents?

More than a relationship

«Love is our strongest emotion of all,» says Remo Largo, the Swiss paediatrician and author of the bestsellers «Baby Years» and «Child Years». Behind this feeling lies the primal human need to be accepted unconditionally. We are all born with it.

It is this deep, inner longing to build close relationships with others that are characterised by intense feelings, to feel connected. «Bonding between parents and their child is more than just a relationship,» explains Dr Heidi Simoni, Director of the Marie Meierhofer Institute MMI.

Children are existentially bound to their parents. This bond is defined by the child's need for protection and security on the one hand and the parents' caring behaviour and special inner relationship with their child on the other. Young children need protection in order to cope with insecurities, overcome fears and regulate their emotions. They need security in order to categorise situations, share joy and develop appropriate social behaviour.

They must receive both - security and closeness - adequately and reliably from their immediate carers. Children depend on their carers to respond to the signals they send out regularly, reliably and lovingly. If this is the case, children trust their carers and are happy to seek comfort from them.

Love is our strongest emotion of all.

Paediatrician and bestselling author Remo Largo

Consequently, a child's behaviour actually has one main goal: to establish and maintain optimal closeness to a reliable and available caregiver for around 15 years. «Life begins with childbirth, initially with the dissolution of attachment,» says Basel paediatrician Cyril Lüdin. «When the umbilical cord is cut, a first separation takes place, which is associated with the fundamental challenge of taking care of ourselves on our own from now on.»

Because no newborn is able to do this, it «looks around in the big, cold world and asks itself: Where is my protective, warm and nourishing provider here?», according to the German paediatrician Herbert Renz-Polster. Because one thing is clear: children would not survive without their parents' willingness to bond and care for them: «From the child's point of view, bonding is not a relationship of love, but a relationship of compulsion.»

Unconditional affection

A child attaches itself unconditionally to its parents, «regardless of whether its parents are loving and caring or whether they are raven parents», says Largo. «Children are emotionally dependent on their parents and other caregivers to ensure that their needs for food, care and protection are reliably met,» writes Remo Largo in his book «The Right Life». If these needs are neglected, children are massively impaired in their growth and development.

Discovering the world and understanding it from a secure «home base» - that's how bonding works.

To prevent this from happening, girls and boys have a whole repertoire of behaviours at their disposal from birth, depending on their age, temperament, stage of development and current situation. They can be very stubborn in their behaviour. They cling to us like clingy monkeys when we are on the phone or crawl into their parents' bed at night. This need for security does not diminish as children get older, but simply manifests itself differently.

Schoolchildren go through the same classroom situations over and over again. Psychology calls this «social referencing». «It means that a child gets its information from its parents in order to plan or adapt its own behaviour when it encounters situations that it is not familiar with,» explains developmental psychologist Moritz Daum.

Young people do this, for example, by relentlessly discussing rules from other families at home, ostensibly in order to negotiate something. Behind this is the need for inner guardrails. Discovering the world and understanding it from a secure «home base» - that is the mechanism.

Proximity and distance

Children are constantly moving between two poles. One is synonymous with reliability, familiarity and availability, the other with curiosity, variety and challenge. Imagine these poles as two ends of a seesaw: Both parts must sometimes be up, sometimes down. If, for example, the pole of security and closeness is too far down for too long, the child will try to satisfy this need until the «balance» is equalised again.

Only then does his natural urge to explore the world return. For a child to thrive and develop optimally, both poles must be balanced. John Bowlby is the man to whom we owe this insight. He developed the attachment theory in 1969. This postulates that a child's need for emotional closeness and absolute reliability is greater than its need for food.

Bowlby and his theory are the reason why babies today are carried around in slings, breastfed for long periods and allowed to sleep in their parents' room. All of this was frowned upon in earlier decades. No adult ever thought about the security and physical contact of children. It was believed that children's behaviour could only be explained by conditioning programmes such as punishment and reward.

Bowlby was influenced by the Austrian paediatrician René Spitz, among others. He found that children in orphanages did not develop sufficiently emotionally despite having enough space, cleanliness, safety and food, and that they became stunted and even died. He saw the cause as a lack of bonding.

The mother-centred approach

But how does this bond actually work? «As a rule, the child attaches to the most reliable and available person in its environment,» explains psychologist Giulietta von Salis. This person then becomes their main attachment figure. Attachment research says that the mother is this main attachment figure - and this theory is still valid today.

The whole discussion about crèches, mothers working, equality and paternity leave is based on the ideal of the good, sensitive, always available mother as the most important carer.

Many believe that they can only be a good mum if they spend as much time as possible with their child.

«The social pressure actually says the following: Mothers, please fulfil your children's needs from the start, otherwise they may not thrive. If they suffer any damage, it's your fault,» summarises educationalist Margrit Stamm.

This ideal means that even well-educated, emancipated and financially independent women only feel that they are a «good mother» if they spend as much time as possible with their child.

The (mother-centred) attachment theory still has an enormous influence on areas of society today, such as family counselling, custody decisions in the event of divorce or early education in schools, criticises the German-Israeli developmental psychologist Heidi Keller.

Major cultural differences

Interestingly, the attachment theory is based on observations of rhesus monkeys and chimpanzees. In both species, it is the mother alone who cares for the child. Sometimes with a real «monkey love», as chimpanzee mothers are known to care devotedly for their sick or dead babies and carry them around for days.

However, the attachment researchers ignored the reports of ethnologists who reported the exact opposite image of a mother. «Attachment can look very different,» confirms Heidi Keller. Attachment theory merely reflects «the lifeworld of a baby born into a Western middle-class family, with formally highly educated parents, who later in their individual biography have the first of a few children and live in a two-generation family.»

In this economically well-off family, one parent, usually the mother, would take exclusive time to care for the baby. What we consider to be the standard in this country is actually a privilege that only represents around 5 to 10 per cent of the world's population. Because: «You first have to be able to afford to leave the labour market, extend your maternity leave or reduce your workload,» says Heidi Simoni from the MMI.

It is also questionable whether the child needs to be in a kind of exclusive relationship in order to thrive, as the attachment theory states. The mother, but sometimes also the father, is usually expected to respond promptly, consistently and appropriately to the child's signals, as this is the best prerequisite for the development of a secure attachment relationship.

However, according to Keller, this so-called «child-centred approach» is not universally valid. For example, there are cultures in Asia or Africa where it is considered incompetent to ask the child what it wants. Mothers or other caregivers, especially other children, know much better what is best for a baby.

Securely attached children are less aggressive

So what do experts think securely attached children look like? According to Klaus Grossmann, psychology professor and leading attachment specialist in Europe, these children can show distress and receive comfort from their carer if necessary. When the caregiver returns after an absence, they seek closeness, can resume the interrupted exploration and involve the caregiver, usually the mother, in their play.

The caregiver is characterised by the fact that they recognise the child's needs, interpret them correctly and respond to them quickly and appropriately. Children who grow up in such relationships are later less aggressive, more popular, less dependent on others, can communicate better, have more pronounced social skills, better emotion regulation and a higher self-esteem, said Swiss psychology professor Guy Bodenmann in a lecture.

It doesn't always have to be the mother. In fact, «the child is able to adapt to various protective and caring instances», says Giulietta von Salis. And it has been proven that babies think independently of gender: they simply build up an intimate relationship with the most reliable and available person within their reach. «If it is a man who is the most reliable carer within reach, they will choose him as their main attachment figure,» says Renz-Polster. And: «They do exist, the often cited maternal instincts, but these are neither limited to the mother nor are they sufficient as the sole ingredient for a successful bond.»

The more strained and insecure the financial, social and emotional situation is, the more difficult it is for parents to establish a bond.

How well the bond works also depends on the overall situation of the parents. Numerous studies have shown this: The more stressful and insecure the financial, social and emotional situation, the more difficult it is for the mother, for example, to bond with her child. If psychological problems or stressful situations such as a separation are added to the stress, it is all too easy for «a bond without an inner core» to develop, as Renz-Polster calls it. Problematic attachments and even neglect are far more common when mothers are struggling to survive economically or psychologically.

The bond doesn't always work straight away

However, the reverse is not necessarily true: Of course, mothers who are doing well in life and who can rely on their network generally find it easier to build a secure bond with their child, but not always. According to figures from the Federal Statistical Office, for example, around 13,000 women, or 15 per cent of all new mothers, suffer from postpartum depression, which, if left untreated, can reduce the mother's ability to bring up her child.

In infants, this can result in attachment disorders, behavioural problems and cognitive and emotional development disorders. These children lack the necessary security to curiously explore their environment. They do not experience themselves as independent and effective, which in turn reduces the development of their independence. In short: they do not develop basic confidence.

Several longitudinal studies show that insecure attachment is one of the most common negative effects on child development. According to research, 10 to 15 per cent of children are insecurely attached, according to Arnold Lohaus, Professor of Developmental Psychology in Bielefeld.

«Far more than firmly anchored maternal qualities, attachment is linked to how the parents' lives are going, how comfortable they feel in their own skin, how rich their environment is, how much support they have and how well they and the child fit together,» says Renz-Polster.

The social network is important, but so is the fit: for example, the mother may have a different approach to the demanding temperament of one child than another attachment figure, such as the father. There is no universal model of how bonding can be equally beneficial for all children, says Heidi Keller.

Decisive, but not absolute

A good, stable and secure attachment with a deep impact is extremely important for children's lives. However, numerous studies from the 1990s show that early childhood attachment should not be overestimated. This is because the other positive relationship experiences that a person has in the course of their childhood and adolescence, for example with teachers, neighbours and coaches, are just as important for optimal child development.

In this way, negative early attachment patterns of the child can also be positively changed later on, says psychologist Claus Koch. This is possible if other attachment figures are «authentic and present and can sensitively empathise with a child». Attachment is vital, but it is «not an immunisation for life and not the only capital we can draw on», says Renz-Polster. Attachment continues to have an effect and remains stored in the brain, but every new positive bonding experience replaces a previous one.

And then there's the child. They play an active role of their own. How children react to childcare situations or separations, for example, also has to do with their temperament and character. «Children of all ages are not equally dependent on security,» explains Remo Largo. There are two-year-olds who have no problem saying goodbye to their mum in the crèche and feel well looked after by the childminder.

Other children still find it difficult to go to a school camp for a week at the age of ten. Just as adults have different needs for a reliable emotional connection, so do children. And yet all children remain attached to their primary carer(s) until they are able to survive independently.

According to Largo, the bond dissolves during puberty so that they can leave their family as young adults. However, they do not become emotionally independent, but seek security with their friends and fall in love. The bond with their parents remains, but does not restrict their independence.

Bonding remains stored in the brain, but every new positive bonding experience replaces an old one.

What's more, every child, every family and every structure is different. «Children can develop well in a wide variety of living, family and caring arrangements,» says psychologist Giulietta von Salis. The same applies to the separation of parents: such an event is undeniably drastic, but not unmanageable.

Children can develop well, even if things are not going well around them. Quite a few insecurely attached children nevertheless experience a happy ending later as adults. After all, there is resilience, the psychological resistance that enables people to overcome frustrations and develop without symptoms of illness despite a difficult childhood. Because: «Life is not about having good cards, but about making a good play with a bad hand,» says Robert Louis Stevenson, the author of «Treasure Island».

The bonding patterns

In 1978, Mary Ainsworth, a colleague of attachment researcher John Bowlby, set herself the goal of measuring and qualitatively categorising the bond between mothers and children. She tested certain situations in which the mother leaves the room she was previously in with her infant and someone unknown enters the room in her place.

The child was left alone with the new person for a short time and Ainsworth concluded from the child's reaction how «well» the child was attached to its mother. From this, she created four attachment patterns that are still valid today: securely attached, insecurely avoidantly attached, insecurely ambivalently attached and insecurely disorientated attached children.

The category of the securely attached child is the optimal category. It means that the child has no problem being without their mother for short periods of time. According to research, securely attached children are more self-confident, cope better with new situations such as kindergarten or school and enjoy playing with other children. Children with insecure avoidant attachment prefer to play alone, and children with insecure ambivalent attachment tend to be difficult and challenging in class and constantly seek attention, explains paediatrician Herbert Renz-Polster.

Insecurely disorientated children with inadequate experience of protection and security, whether due to massive neglect and abandonment - in institutions or in their own family - or due to frequent changes in the care situation, have difficulties growing up in a mentally healthy way.

They are also more likely to have severe cognitive and emotional developmental delays. «A secure attachment is a long-term protective factor for mental health,» emphasises Zurich developmental psychologist Moritz Daum. "With a good attachment, for example, the probability of suffering from a mental illness in adult life is lower.

Attachment behaviour also has a social context. If I have good attachment behaviour, this influences how I can approach others, how empathetic I am, how I can put myself in their shoes and help them."