How does a good mother-son relationship work?

Every time they flew together, Heidemarie Brosche and her youngest son sat next to each other and held hands during take-off. Her now grown-up son remembers this well. For him, it was «such a wonderful mother-son moment». Even today, he doesn't want to do without it. When both mother and son are on an aeroplane together, they still hold hands, just like they used to.

Heidemarie Brosche is an author and retired teacher who lives near Augsburg. The mother of three boys thinks that this anecdote shows what a mother-son relationship is all about. Namely intimacy. The relationship between mother and daughter is similar.

For boys, their mother is the first woman in their lives and thus shapes their image of femininity and womanhood.

Nevertheless, there is a difference. Mother and son are not of the same sex, and no matter how intimate the relationship is, it is impossible to deny that they are different. As a result, the relationship constantly fluctuates between closeness and distance. Looking back, this was the biggest challenge for the mother of three: «Maintaining the intimacy despite the differences.»

For boys, their mother is the first woman in their lives and therefore shapes their image of femininity and womanhood. Mothers also influence a boy's self-image, depending on the image of men they themselves have and convey to the outside world.

However, they are not as important for identity development as fathers, but have another essential function: «Mothers are usually very close to their children's lives, communicate a lot and know what's going on - with boys and girls,» says social worker Celia Zappa from Lucerne. The mother is therefore the sparring partner for emotional balance.

A good and healthy bond with the mother makes relationships possible

The mother also plays a central role in later partnerships. Heidelberg psychotherapist and author Victor Chu says: «A son who is emotionally satisfied and has a good and healthy relationship with his mother will be able to enter into a fulfilling partnership later on.»

The mother is therefore an important part of a man's life and vice versa. But how does the relationship change over time? And how do you manage to find an appropriate level of closeness and distance or, as Victor Chu says, turn the «bond» into a good «connection»?

Even in the womb, there is a clear difference between girls and boys. If a woman is pregnant with a boy, she consumes an average of ten per cent more calories than mothers who are pregnant with a girl. This is shown by the research findings of Harvard professor Dimitrios Trichopoulos and his colleagues. It is possible that these women need more food to provide the male foetus, which tends to be less resistant, with additional energy.

Mothers breastfeed sons longer

Once the boy is born, mothers continue to look after him more intensively than girls. «There are many observational studies that show that mothers with young sons cuddle more and even breastfeed them longer on average than daughters,» says Moritz Daum, professor of psychology at the University of Zurich. «It probably has to do with the fact that boys fall ill more quickly and generally have a lower life expectancy.»

Cuddling and physical contact: This strengthens the bond, which is hugely important for further development. Because children who are securely attached «do better at school later on, are better at resolving conflicts and make friends more easily,» says Daum.

Parents have the task of becoming aware of what patterns, values or previous experiences they have and to question these critically.

Heidemarie Brosche

A strong bond is also essential for a good relationship between mother and son. In her book «Boys' mums», author Heidemarie Brosche describes how close the relationship with her sons was and also the moments when she realised how different they were.

Once, a friend came to visit whom she hadn't seen for a long time and who is also the mother of a son. «At the beginning of the meeting, our four boys fought like little lion cubs - until they suddenly started playing together peacefully. In my entire life as a girl, this kind of contact would never have occurred to me.»

Of course, it should not go unmentioned at this point that there are also girls who like to fight, or boys who would never think of fighting as a greeting. The opposite-sex relationship with the son can also give rise to a mother's own experiences or assumptions about men, which she projects onto the boy.

«Depending on the image we have of men, we have an impact on our sons and influence their ideas of masculinity. Neither idealising nor negative images of masculinity are helpful,» says Brosche. «I think parents have a duty to become aware of what patterns, values or previous experiences they have and to scrutinise these critically.»

When sons grow up without a father

If a son grows up without a father or only sees him sporadically, there is no male figure to identify with. This makes it all the more important that the mother has a positive image of men and communicates this to the outside world.

«Male role models can of course also come from friends or relatives,» adds Moritz Daum. «Regardless of whether boys grow up with two mothers or two fathers, different people mean diversity and variability. And that's important to be able to orientate yourself.»

When children reach puberty, mothers generally worry more than fathers. Social worker Celia Zappa from the Contact counselling centre experiences this on a regular basis. «With sons, their thoughts often revolve around difficulties at school, media and drug use or the fear that they could become victims of violence or commit offences,» says Zappa. «With daughters, they tend to worry about early sexuality and pregnancies or possible addictions tosocial media.»

According to the 2018 Health Behaviour in School-aged Children study, 73.4 percent of Swiss boys played video games for between half an hour and three hours on school days. The figure for girls was 54.4 per cent.

Failure or reluctance to go to school is much more common among boys than girls. Fathers are much more relaxed about this than mothers.

When Heidemarie Brosche's sons became teenagers, they also spent a lot of time in front of the screen. «Computer games were particularly annoying and there were constant conflicts,» she says. «I always thought they would go stupid and become aggressive.» But neither of these things happened. Two of her three sons work in IT. So the interest in media has remained. Today, the mother of three thinks that she could have handled this topic a little more calmly.

School as a centre of conflict

Another centre of conflict in Brosche's family was school. «It's been proven that school failure and disaffection are much more common among male than female children,» says the retired teacher. And from her day-to-day work, she knows that fathers are much more relaxed about this fact than mothers. She even realised this herself, as the difficulties at school kept her very busy and led to some discussions. Sometimes she even wondered whether her sons would even manage to graduate.

But then she had a conversation with her son's teacher. «He gave me the best advice I've ever received, perhaps even the key sentence for the whole of puberty: «Make sure you don't let school ruin your wonderful relationship with your sons».» She practised composure, but also showed her sons that she was there for them and supported them at all times. In the end, they all managed to graduate.

Celia Zappa, who advises families on conflicts, knows how sons feel when their mother is constantly worrying. «Sons often feel controlled or monitored, which leads to a lot of arguments,» she says. «I always encourage parents to give the child more responsibility.»

Distance to the mother during puberty

The first years of the mother-son relationship are characterised by a lot of closeness and little distance. During puberty, mothers notice that the poles are turning and their sons are slowly distancing themselves, becoming less intimate. «The pubescent boy tends to keep his distance,» says psychotherapist Chu. «He realises that he is growing stubble and male hair, that something is changing. And goes into retreat.»

Brosche remembers when one of her sons suddenly withdrew when he was around 14 or 15 years old. «We were actually very close, we often spoke to each other, but then a switch flipped from one day to the next. He hardly told me anything and avoided me. That really hurt me.»

She had to endure this situation for a year, but then they got closer again. In the meantime, however, she never stopped offering to talk. This is a special characteristic of mothers. They continue to try to communicate and keep in touch, even when the children withdraw.

Mothers are the main dialogue partners for their sons

Data from the renowned father researcher Wassilios E. Fthenakis shows that the mother is the main dialogue partner for her son, followed by the father and then friends or girlfriends. For girls, these come first, then the mother and finally the father.

When a young man enters into his first relationship, whether with a woman or a man, this poses a further challenge for the mother. Now she has to accept that she is no longer number one. Mothers also play a central role when it comes to how happy their sons will be in a relationship.

The foundation for this is laid in early childhood, depending on how well the bond with the attachment figure, which is usually still the mother, is successful. According to Victor Chu, it is also helpful if the mother herself exemplifies a happy and appreciative relationship.

Boys leave home later

According to Chu, two further prerequisites are «that the mother can let go of the son and accept the new partner». A task that mothers in particular often find difficult. A study by Professor Kathleen McGinn from Harvard Business School shows what influence mothers also have on the choice of partner. She and her colleagues have intensively researched the topic of working mothers. They found that sons of working mothers are more likely to marry women who also work. They are also more likely to speak out in favour of gender equality in the workplace.

Sons of working mothers are more likely to marry women who also work. And are more likely to speak out in favour of equality in the workplace.

What becomes an issue around the same time as first love is moving out of the parental home. It is often said that boys leave home later than girls, that they are so-called nestlings or even mummy's boys.

Adult sons report less

In fact, this is also shown by data from the Federal Statistical Office, which was published in 2016. According to the data, young women in Switzerland generally move out earlier than young men. Among 24-year-olds, 54 per cent of men were still living with their parents, compared to only 44 per cent of women.

However, Victor Chu doubts that the reason for this is the mother's overprotection. «I think there are more social reasons for this,» he says. «Boys tend to have an identity crisis. They often take longer to figure out what they want, who they are and what their career path should look like.» They also don't have the biological time pressure that young women do.

When boys make the leap into adulthood, their relationship with their mother changes once again. There is less contact. «There are clear differences between sons and daughters,» says psychology professor Daum. «Adult sons are much more independent and get in touch less.» However, this does not mean that the relationship is getting worse. Because if there is a good bond and the mother is able to let the son go, the attachment usually remains. The «bond» has become a «connection», as Victor Chu puts it.

The mother no longer learns everything from her adult son

Heidemarie Brosche's three boys moved out several years ago. Two of them have already had children of their own. Contact is still good, even if she perhaps doesn't hear as much from them as many mothers do from their daughters. However, the retired teacher doesn't mind.

«I think girls or women are more likely - not always - to pour their hearts out completely to their mothers, so that they know almost everything. With boys and men, my perception is that you don't find out everything, even in an «intimate» relationship, but you are «allowed» to share in the really important things. I now find this quite relieving, because knowing everything is sometimes exhausting,» she says and laughs.