How do you praise a child correctly?

The 14-year-old son of Franz and Berta from Basel is one of the best in his class. He recently complained that his parents didn't recognise his achievements enough.

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One question - three opinions

Our son, 14, is one of the best pupils in the class. Recently he complained that we don't recognise his achievements enough. How do you praise a child properly? And what do you think of gifts of money for good grades?

Franz, 59, and Berta, 48, Basel

What our team of experts says:

Nicole Althaus: I'm not normally an advocate of non-stop praise. The job of parents is to provide prudent support, not to give short-sighted cheers like cheerleaders. However, recognition at the right moment is important. Boys who try hard at school need to be praised for their courage to go against the norm. Because according to Margrit Stamm, professor of educational science, pubescent boys still believe that success at school is feminine. Be proud of your son and let him know on as many occasions as possible!
Peter Schneider: Gifts of money for good grades are something like an educational bonus system. Why should something that has proven to be harmful in the financial sector be good for children? However, intrinsic motivation for performance should not be overemphasised. If you write great grades, but no one is watching because everyone seems to take the bold headstand for granted (remember the relevant Waechter cartoon? If not: google it!), this can be demotivating. Tell your son that you are sorry if you give the impression of disinterest and ask him what you can change and how.
Annette Cina: There are different types of praise. Specific praise is appropriate when a child needs reinforcement and motivation. Or so that they realise that they have done something well. Praise can also express recognition. Every child needs very individual and specific praise. However, children compare. Sometimes they don't feel that they are being treated fairly. Perhaps your son doesn't need motivation and rewards, but recognition and the feeling of being seen. Show your son that you are proud of him. Rejoice with him about a good grade.


The team of experts:

  • Annette Cina, 51, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
  • Peter Schneider, 66, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
  • Nicole Althaus, 54, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of «NZZ am Sonntag», columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of «wir eltern». Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children.
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