How do you practise mindfulness in the family?

«Mum, what colour is missing from the rainbow?» - Ayana pauses, dripping blue paint from the brush onto a sheet of paper on the dining table. Once again, the seven-year-old calls out to the sofa where her mother Ariane is talking to the visitor: «Mum! What colour?» Ariane Hiestand briefly interrupts the conversation: «You have the wooden rainbow over there, you can see what colour it is.» Ayana is not happy: «No, but you should come. » Ariane now turns her full attention to her daughter: «Ayana, I'd like to have a chat here. Is it okay for you to do this on your own? Or is it really super important that I come?» Ayana thinks for a moment before dipping her brush in paint again: «No, you don't have to come.»

«How do I want to interact with my child? How do I create a connection with him that is good for both of us?»

It's a mild Saturday afternoon in February in the village of Goldiwil near Thun. The Hiestand family - mum Ariane, dad Ivo and daughters Elina, 10, Ayana, 7, and Junah, 4 - have made themselves comfortable in the living room and are enjoying their time together. They romp and play, look at photos from their last holiday in Sri Lanka and even have a cuddle with mum. There are sweets and mandarins on the table, the parents drink coffee, the girls chai. A Saturday afternoon like many families.

«Mindfulness training is not something that looks particularly spectacular from the outside,» says Walter Weibel. The Bernese social pedagogue and mindfulness expert was one of the first in Switzerland to specialise in mindful parenting in recent years. In courses lasting several weeks, he introduces parents to the practice of mindfulness. The topic of mindfulness became a focus for Ariane Hiestand when she was pregnant with her first child ten years ago. As a paediatric nurse, she worked a lot with premature babies and was sensitised to the conscious approach to life. «How do I want to interact with my child? How do I create a connection with him that is good for both of us? These were the questions that drove me at the time,» recalls Ariane. She came across mindfulness, read a lot about it and attended seminars. The tips for a mindful everyday life seemed useful to her.

Recognising your own feelings

But after the birth of Elina, she quickly realised that she didn't actually need it. She didn't feel stressed or exhausted; her first year with the child had been a cosy one. Then came her second daughter, her job became more stressful and everyday family life became increasingly busy. «I realised that there were always situations where I no longer knew how to react properly,» says Ariane. She turned to mindfulness and booked a course in MBSR - Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. Her husband Ivo was also on board. On the course, the young parents learnt, among other things, how it affects others when you manage to stay calm yourself. A valuable asset in everyday family life.

The «Mindful Parenting» course that Ariane and Ivo attended with Walter Weibel a year ago was even more practical. Here they were given ideas on how to treat their children and each other with respect in specific situations. One of the most important - and not always easy to implement - tips for Ariane is to «snooze» first. If the family has an urgent appointment but the girls would rather play, this helps enormously. «I used to get stressed quickly, and I would rush the children to get dressed,» recalls Ariane. «Today I can deal with such situations much better. I take a deep breath, calm down for a moment and can interrupt this stressful cycle. This gives us the chance to meet as equals and tackle the «off to the appointment» project together with fresh energy instead of me being the one pushing the children.»

Online dossier on mindfulness and slowing down

Set the phone to silent

Being «in the here and now» plays the most important role in mindfulness. In everyday life with children, this means being with them with your full attention when they are talking without looking at the TV or smartphone; turning togetherness from being next to each other. «This is a different quality of being together,» says Weibel. The children in the Hiestand family really enjoy consciously turning their attention to each other. Ariane has got into the habit of putting the phone on silent when she is looking at a book with the girls. At lunch, all the Hiestands sit together, hold hands and say a chant. «It's just a brief moment of pause, but then we're all really present,» says Ariane. In the evening, the parents sit down at each of their daughters' bedsides and reflect together on what made this day unique and what they want to be grateful for.

The daughters can't do much with the concept

Elina and Ayana don't know much about the concept of mindfulness: The family doesn't talk about it, they practise it. Ariane has noticed that her daughters' awareness has also sharpened in the meantime. Elina, for example, occasionally reminds her mother that she should «snooze first». And Ariane has already been told by Ayana that her behaviour was «not okay now». Practising mindfulness doesn't make all problems disappear into thin air. The Hiestands are also sometimes annoyed or grumble at each other. «But such situations are becoming fewer and fewer because we have learnt to treat each other differently,» says Ariane.

First of all «schnuufe».

If you want to integrate a little mindfulness into your family, you can focus on two pillars: formal and informal mindfulness. Formal mindfulness refers to exercises for which you take extra time: meditation, for example, a body scan or a relaxation sequence. Informal mindfulness is mindfulness that can be applied to everyday situations. It is about managing to be completely with yourself or with yourself and the other person in the moment.
Ariane Hiestand meditates regularly; for her, the exercises of formal mindfulness are an important basis for achieving informal mindfulness. Her husband Ivo also tries to find time to meditate every now and then: «We don't just do it for the children, but also for ourselves,» he says. The little time-outs give him a break from the hectic everyday life of the family of five. Is the practice of mindfulness the key to a relaxed family life? The Hiestands don't know either. «But it just feels good for us and, above all, better than before,» says Ariane.

Read more:

• How to practise mindfulness with your children. We have put together four tips.
• Mindfulness. Living in the here and now. A trend that has already reached schools .