When a child comes up and says, «I'd like to learn to ride a bike», most parents are delighted. They choose a suitable bike and a helmet, explain the rules of the road, help with the first attempts at riding, and accompany their child on the roads for years before letting them set off on their own. They praise their progress and comfort them when they end up with grazed knees.
When a child comes up and says, «I'd like my own mobile phone», parents’ reactions are often less than enthusiastic. The complexity of the issue, the addictive nature of certain apps, or the risk of family arguments mean that, right from the start, it's not exactly easy to even begin to deal with media usage agreements, parental controls or app settings.
Have you collected the bike yet?
If – almost inevitably – something goes wrong, the mobile is often confiscated (have you ever done that with a bike, too?). And suddenly you find yourself in the midst of the conflicts and power struggles that you never actually wanted to have within your own family over media use – and yet which almost all families experience.
We spoke to two female experts and four male experts with practical experience about what advice they give parents on the most pressing issues – such as banning mobile phones, when a child wants to join the class chat, or when they want to spend more time on their mobile. And, above all, how all of this is supposed to fit into a busy daily routine.
The good news is that media guidance does not differ fundamentally in approach from what parents are familiar with from road safety education and have mastered well. What does differ is the content. In this respect, there is really no getting round the need to keep yourself informed and show an interest.
1. I don't want to give my child a smartphone just yet, because I don't want them to go online unsupervised. Is a smartwatch a good alternative that would still allow me to contact them at any time?
Is it really just about being able to stay in touch? If so, I'd recommend a simple button-operated mobile phone – a so-called «feature phone» such as the Nokia 105. It costs less than 20 francs and is brilliant for making calls. Virtually all smartwatches have additional functions; with some, you can play games or even use social media.
If watches are worn on the wrist, they are a nuisance for both pupils and teachers in class because they are a distraction – even in «school mode». Especially as many children have access to their parents’ mobile phones and know exactly how to switch them off. I'm also not a fan of the tracking feature on a smartwatch. If children don't want their parents to know where they are, they'll simply leave the watch in their school desk and leave that somewhere. And a kidnapper would probably take the watch away first thing.
Daniel Wolff, digital trainer
Parents really ought to take greater care to protect the PIN for their own mobile phones; almost all children know it.
Daniel Wolff, digital trainer
2. What are the three things I absolutely must know before my child gets their own mobile phone?
Guidance on media use is the most important parenting issue today – regardless of whether a child already has their own mobile phone or not. This is because they will still be exposed to issues such as bullying, violent videos or pornography via the devices of friends or older siblings.
The sooner a child realises: «My parents know about these issues, they're interested in what I do on my mobile, and I can always go to them to talk about it», the better. A media usage agreement with very clear rules is needed right from the start. The younger the child, the more comprehensive the protection provided by child protection software needs to be.
Parents set the best example when it comes to mobile phones . If we want our children not to spend so much time on their devices, we must set an example ourselves. Furthermore, parents really ought to take greater care to protect the PIN for their own mobile phones; almost all children know it. This allows them to adjust the parental controls on their parents’ phones to their own advantage – which happens regularly. If I don't currently have the time or the patience to deal with these matters, then it isn't yet the right time to give my child their own mobile phone.
Daniel Wolff
3. What are the three most important tips for your first mobile phone?
Nobody learns to drive in a Porsche. So why should you buy a child the very latest smartphone straight away? Older devices have many advantages: the battery usually doesn't last forever, and if videos or games are a bit jerky or the resolution isn't crystal clear, then they're less fun to use. On top of that, mobile phones are also a status symbol. If I don't have the latest model, I might not be constantly holding it up for everyone to see.
Every smartphone needs a break now and then. So every family needs a central place where all family members’ devices can be put away as a matter of habit, right from the start. And we need clear rules about when to do this: for example, whilst doing homework, during meals and, above all, at night.
Even if my mobile isn't switched off, there are plenty of ways to stop it from constantly distracting me. So how can I adjust my app notifications so that they don't keep interrupting me? What is «Do Not Disturb» mode, and what is «Airplane mode»? Only the latter actually cuts off all connections, allowing me, for example, to work undisturbed at school.
Clemens Beisel, social education worker and media expert
4. We failed to set out specific rules and adjust the device settings before handing over the first mobile phone. Can we do this now? And if so, how?
It is crucial that parents are completely honest now: «Listen, we underestimated this; we didn't know enough; we didn't find out enough. But we've realised that using it like this isn't good for you or for us. That's why we'd now like to draw up a media usage agreement with you. Not to annoy you, but to protect you. And we'll do this step by step, with small changes.» Anyone who, without such agreements, suddenly becomes very strict overnight – or even takes away their child's mobile phone – is setting themselves up for a prolonged power struggle with their child.
Daniel Wolff
How do we want to live together? Where do the media fit in? Where do they bring enjoyment? And where do they disrupt our family life?
Florian Buschmann, Offline Heroes Initiative
5. Many experts recommend drawing up a media usage agreement. What points should it definitely include? And how often should it be updated to reflect the children's age?
«Mobile phones are part of everyday family life; their use is based on values that are important to each individual family , » says Florian Buschmann, founder and director of the Offline-Helden initiative. That is why it is crucial for everyone to sit down together and consider: How do we want to live together? How do we want to spend time with one another? Where do media fit in? Where do they bring enjoyment or offer help? And where do they disrupt us as a family? Building on this, a specific media usage agreement can be drawn up; there are good templates available for guidance, for example at mediennutzungsvertrag.de.
«Limit yourself to a few key points that are particularly important for that child at the moment. Because media preferences and usage patterns are constantly changing, the family should sit down together regularly to review what still works and what should apply in future,» says media educator Iren Schulz. According to Daniel Wolff, transitions such as the start of the new school year at the end of the summer holidays are a good time to adjust media usage agreements – particularly when families have several children. This is because, unlike a birthday, there is then a date that suits everyone and a clear set of rules about what is allowed and when.
The following should always be included in a media usage agreement:
- «The mobile phone does not belong to the child, but is merely on loan from the parents, at least until the age of about 16,» says social education worker Clemens Beisel. This makes it clear why parents can insist on special safeguards and insight into mobile phone usage – because they are, after all, liable for this device and its use. «This creates a completely different basis for discussion,» says Beisel. At the same time, he does not believe in secretly spying on children. «It's better to check it together, talk about it and reflect on it.»
- “Clear rules on usage times, but also consequences that really bite if you don't stick to the contract – that's the only way it will be effective,» says Florian Buschmann.
6. Children are all very different. What is the point of general recommendations regarding age and screen time for media use? Isn't the content itself the decisive factor?
Given the vast array of media options available, age and time recommendations serve primarily as a starting point. For mobile and console games , for example , there is the «Spieleratgeber NRW»; for streaming and television content, there is «Flimmo». However, the parents’ individual assessment of their child remains crucial: How sensitive, emotional, thoughtful and critical is my child? Can they understand and follow rules? Can they take responsibility for their actions?
As a general rule, it makes sense to start with just a few, manageable and age-appropriate apps, so that there is enough time to discuss the risks associated with the content and with interacting with others, as well as any financial challenges. The more that is allowed at once, the less realistic it becomes to supervise media use in everyday life.
Iren Schulz
Incidentally, the statement «Everyone has a mobile, except me» is almost never true.
Daniel Wolff, digital trainer
7. What is the recommended age for a child to have their first mobile phone?
If you can resist the perceived peer pressure (incidentally, the statement «Everyone has a mobile, except me» is almost never true), I think it makes the most sense to wait until your child is 13, or better still, 14. However, I should still use the years leading up to that to prepare them for having a smartphone. For example, by having a laptop in the living room on which they can watch YouTube videos – and where parents can always hear what's going on. The laptop is a suitable device in this respect because it's less convenient to use than a tablet and can't be slipped into a trouser pocket and taken into their bedroom or to the toilet like a smartphone.
Daniel Wolff
8. How can you assess whether your child is ready for a mobile phone?
By focusing on the person, not the device. And by talking to them about it. Why do you want a mobile phone? Because the way a child primarily uses the device at the outset shapes how they will use it in the long term. So, for example, if it is bought for gaming, it is first and foremost a gaming device. In that case, it is worth considering whether the desired function might not be better fulfilled initially by another device – such as a games console.
I would also never buy the child their own mobile phone, but would instead give them a loaner phone to start with. This way, they can prove that they can stick to the agreed rules and use it responsibly and competently. As well as the skills the child already has, it is absolutely crucial how parents support them in using their mobile phone responsibly – and this needs to continue over the years.
Florian Buschmann
9. «Everyone else has a mobile phone too», «Everyone uses WhatsApp», «Everyone plays this game»: How should you deal with statements like these?
«Everyone else has one or is allowed to have one too…» is a very popular argument used by children, one that should, in principle, be questioned, according to media educator Joachim Zahn. After all: «Sometimes simply mentioning that you're going to discuss it with other parents is enough – and suddenly the desire isn't quite so strong.» At the same time, however, it is important to take the request seriously. «It's often about social inclusion,» says media educator Judith Mathez.
You can also send messages via Spotify – something many parents aren't even aware of.
Joachim Zahn, media educator
So if parents notice that their child is socialising less with friends or falling behind in class because they don't have WhatsApp, solutions must be found to ensure they can keep up. This could be achieved through a family mobile phone, where parents are allowed to read the chats from time to time, or via an alternative messaging app that offers fewer features than WhatsApp. If this need is ignored, the child will find their own ways. «You can, for example, send messages via Spotify – something many parents aren't even aware of,» says Joachim Zahn.
Daniel Wolff advises parents to team up with the parents of their children's best friends and agree on a common approach at an early stage: when should they get a mobile phone? When should we allow what? After all, children may well accept that their family has different rules to other families. «But they don't want to be the only ones without a smartphone,» says Wolff.
10. What are the three signs that my child is using digital media in a healthy way?
- The child has a hobby that they enjoy doing.
- Friendships are nurtured.
- Some form of exercise takes place on a regular basis.
Conversely, the following four points should never all apply; if they do, something needs to change urgently in terms of media consumption:
- Hungry: Is the child desperate to play video games?
- Angry: How does it react when it's not allowed to do that?
- Lonely: Do I get the feeling that the child is spending too much time on their own and is withdrawing from friends or family?
- Tired: Does the child seem constantly tired?
Joachim Zahn, media educator
11. What developmental milestones must children have reached in order to be able to put their mobile phones down of their own accord? Is there anything we can do to help them with this?
«It is not until around the age of 25 that the brain reaches full cognitive maturity,» says Florian Buschmann – an essential prerequisite for reliably reflecting on one's own behaviour and acting responsibly. However, it is precisely these skills that are needed to put a smartphone aside of one's own accord. Moreover, as many apps are specifically designed to create dependencies, even most adults still find this extremely difficult.
«That is why parents have this huge responsibility to set very clear boundaries for their children – boundaries that the children cannot set for themselves , » says Florian Buschmann. «That is the most important support they can provide.» Clemens Beisel also recommends creating alternatives: ensuring that the child has hobbies and meets up with friends, as well as organising family activities at the weekend or during the holidays.
12. My 13-year-old daughter has been on TikTok for two hours and I want her to stop now. What can I do in this situation?
«Excessive media use can jeopardise a child's wellbeing. That is why parents have a duty to intervene,» says Florian Buschmann. It is important, he adds, that the child retains a certain degree of autonomy, so parents should not simply snatch the mobile phone out of their hands. Instead, they should state clearly: «You've got ten minutes left.» If nothing changes by then, parents can switch off the internet.
«But it is far more important to ask: how did this situation arise in the first place?» says Florian Buschmann. Were no agreed screen times set within the family? Were any restrictions circumvented? And if so, what consequences must the daughter now face? «Children need clear rules like these. If these are lacking, it is high time to introduce them. But in a calm atmosphere, not in the heat of the moment,» says Buschmann.
Work out with your child how many videos they've watched on TikTok. In two hours, that could be as many as 500.
Clemens Beisel, social education worker
According to Clemens Beisel, once you've gained a bit of perspective, you can also try to encourage children to reflect on their own TikTok use. He advises: «Why not have a look together at the TikTok settings (under ‹Time and Wellbeing›) to see how much time your child spends on TikTok each day, and work out together how many videos have been played. In two hours, that can be as many as 500! Then ask your child how many of them were meaningful, useful or funny, and what they specifically remember.»
For example, there was once an art project at a school in Hamburg. Pupils were asked to transcribe their TikTok feeds in written form. Most of them deleted the app afterwards, because they realised what a load of rubbish it was. «But children need to come to such realisations for themselves. In most cases, adults making judgements like that have the opposite effect,» says Clemens Beisel.
13. I also use my mobile phone for work and to organise things for the family. How do I explain to my children that this is different from personal use?
Why not just sit down together with your mobiles and compare how long each of you uses yours, and for what? You can do this via the settings. On iOS, go to «Screen Time» and then «View All Activity». On Android, you'll find usage statistics under «Digital Wellbeing».
Perhaps both of them have spent a lot of time on WhatsApp – in which case, why not take a closer look: were they mainly receiving and reading messages? For example, on the parents’ side, because the children's hobbies require them to take part in various group chats? Or do they send a lot of messages themselves? You can find this out by going to the WhatsApp settings, then to «Storage and data», «Network usage» and «Messages».
At the same time, you can also explain to the child that the differences between children and adults go beyond just how they use technology. If the child spends a great deal of time on their device instead of studying or sleeping, they might do poorly in an exam or have to repeat the year. If they fail to complete their school-leaving qualifications, they put their own future at risk. Adults have already been through all this.
Clemens Beisel
14. We do not want to allow our child to join the class chat because we cannot control what content is shared there. How can they still take part in the class discussions as safely as possible?
«The concerns of many parents are entirely justified,» says Daniel Wolff. This is because the class chat usually takes place via WhatsApp. «It's much more than just a messaging app. There are channels where you can watch countless YouTube videos, and with Meta AI there's also a powerful AI that I can use to do all my homework.» Parents could therefore certainly encourage the class to use alternatives such as Threema or Signal, which are far better suited to communicating with others.
However, even these measures do not prevent inappropriate videos from being shared or children from being bullied. And if, for example, nude photos are sent via the class chat, they may well end up on your own child's mobile phone. In the case of minors, parents can be held liable for this. «This could then constitute possession of child pornography, which is a criminal offence,» says Florian Buschmann. He therefore advises discussing such matters with your child. Then you can decide together whether to allow the class chat – perhaps for the sake of social inclusion – but only on the family mobile, where parents are allowed to read the messages.
«Word gets round quickly in the classes, by the way, if there are parents keeping an eye on things,» says Daniel Wolff. It could also be pointed out at the parents’ evening that all parents bear responsibility for this when they allow their children to take part in such groups.
Clemens Beisel knows lots of children who were desperate to join a class chat group at first. «After a few months, they're glad their parents didn't let them, because they've realised just how much arguing and bullying goes on there.»
15. How can siblings use media without constantly arguing about who is allowed to do what and who isn't?
Siblings of different ages need different rules and levels of freedom. It is important to explain these differences clearly and make them transparent. For example, you could decide right from the start at which year group each child will be allowed their own mobile phone and what they are permitted to do on it. You can also follow current guidelines when it comes to screen time.
Children tend to accept rules more readily when they understand the reasons behind them. So: «Your brother is now allowed to use WhatsApp on his own device because, over the last two years, he's shown on the family mobile that he can use it responsibly and stick to our rules. We'll do the same for you.»
Do families need smartphone-free periods? «Absolutely, especially at night. That's when children see the worst things.»
Daniel Wolff, digital trainer
As for older children, it is important to make it clear to them that greater freedom also means greater responsibility. Their device should therefore be secured in such a way that their little sister, for example, cannot access it. If they do let their siblings play a game that is not yet suitable for their age, they won't be allowed to play it themselves either. In most cases, however, older siblings are a great help: they have experienced things themselves that they would prefer to spare their brother or sister from, and so they usually cooperate well.
Joachim Zahn
16. Do we need smartphone-free periods as a family? Which ones, and what's the best way to introduce them?
«Absolutely! It's most important at night: that's when children see the worst things,» says Daniel Wolff. That's when messages are sent via class chat groups that are deleted by the morning. That's when children can quietly reset their mobile phones or change the parental controls on their parents’ devices. That's why every family needs a «parking space» for digital devices at night – for example, a multi-device charging station for all the family's mobile devices.
According to Joachim Zahn, there are families who go so far as to buy a safe specifically for this purpose. For others, it is enough for parents to set a good example and not take their mobile phones into the bedroom themselves, as Daniel Wolff has found. «But don't make any compromises or exceptions here,» he says. According to Wolff, traditional analogue alarm clocks are best for waking up on time in the morning. And anyone who wants to listen to music or an audiobook in the evening to help them fall asleep can do so perfectly well using a boombox or headphones – there's no need for the mobile phone to be in the bedroom, says Joachim Zahn.
17. Whilst media use is well regulated at home, as parents we have no control over the content our child views on their friends’ devices. How can we prevent them from being exposed to unsuitable material?
«You can't stop it; it's bound to happen,» says Judith Mathez. The only thing parents can do about it, she says, is to foster as trusting a relationship as possible with their child by constantly working to strengthen that bond. This involves taking an interest in what's happening online, initiating conversations and being aware of changes in your child's behaviour – for example, if their interests change significantly, they're sleeping less well or seem stressed when using their mobile phone.
However, children will always decide for themselves what they tell their parents about their experiences when they are not with them. «But a trusting relationship certainly increases the likelihood that they will come forward, and is therefore an important protective factor,» says Judith Mathez. Daniel Wolff therefore advises parents to allay their children's fears that they will have their mobile phones taken away as soon as there are problems. «Only then will children actually talk to their parents when problems arise.»
And when it comes to media use, too, it's the dose that makes the poison. «If I have sensible rules at home and also teach my child the most important values regarding media use, then that will definitely have a greater impact on them than what they pick up from their friends,» says Clemens Beisel. According to Iren Schulz, parents who support their children in using media responsibly empower them to make good decisions for themselves – whether they're using their own mobile phone or a friend's.
18. Extra mobile phone time for good marks, mobile phone withdrawal for breaking the rules: Is it acceptable to use media as a reward or punishment?
Clemens Beisel has a clear answer to this: «No, the three Bs apply here: don't use media as a reward, as a punishment or to keep children quiet. As soon as I do that, I'm giving digital media a status that I don't want to give them.»
«Even so, parents keep acting this way in stressful situations or on impulse because it's simply very effective,» says Judith Mathez. She adds that this isn't really a big deal. «But then calmly admit to your child that you reacted in the wrong way and that the untidy room has nothing to do with the mobile phone you took away – and give the phone back. In a case like this, it's not appropriate to stick to your decision,» she concludes.
The situation is slightly different when a punishment is directly linked to media use – for example, if the child has not adhered to the agreed usage times set out in the media usage agreement. If, in this case, the child has to hand over their mobile phone for the rest of the week, «it doesn't feel like a punishment to the child either, because they can understand the reason behind the measure,» says Florian Buschmann. «This will also lead to fewer arguments.»
19. What technical tools are useful in addition to the child protection features offered by iOS and Android?
It's important to bear in mind that, generally speaking, the more effective these technical safeguards are designed to be, the more complicated they are to set up. «That's why they're mainly used by tech-savvy parents – who, however, often have children who are just as tech-savvy and who, in turn, find ways round them,» says Judith Mathez.
In short: «There is no such thing as complete protection. That's why the only thing that helps is using the internet as responsibly and sensibly as possible,» says Clemens Beisel. It is true that you can configure an internet router so that it does not work at night. «But then there's still the neighbours’ Wi-Fi, mobile data, or lots of content on your mobile phone that doesn't require an internet connection at all,» points out Daniel Wolff.
«If I'm worried that my child might bypass a safety feature – or has perhaps already done so – I have to ask myself: why?» says Florian Buschmann. Have I not explained clearly enough what dangers I'm trying to protect them from? Or that, as a mother or father, I'm responsible for what happens on their mobile phone? Or is my child simply too young to understand the implications? In that case, it may simply have been too early for them to have their own mobile phone.
Parents have a duty to set rules regarding mobile phone use and to ensure they are followed.
Clemens Beisel, social education worker
20. How can you tighten up the privacy settings on social media apps such as WhatsApp, Snapchat or TikTok? Are there any good guides on this anywhere?
Yes, there are. The website medien-kindersicher.de, for example, explains this step by step. It's crucial that you do this together with your child. That way, it becomes clear to them straight away: actually, many apps aren't really suitable for you yet. But so that you can still use them, we need to take extensive precautions to protect you. At the same time, this helps children realise that their parents can see, for example, how long they're using a particular app. You should do this before the app is used for the first time. This applies in particular to WhatsApp, as for many children this is the first app they use and, at the same time, the one with the worst default settings.
Daniel Wolff
21. At some point, children need to take responsibility for their own media consumption. At what age might that be – and what topics should we discuss with them again now?
It's difficult to specify a precise age threshold here. It depends very much on how media use has been managed in the years leading up to that point, when a child first got a mobile phone, and what freedoms were granted and when. In our family, the time came when they were 16. I then reiterated to my children: «From now on, you have complete freedom. But you can come to me at any time, even if you come across issues or find yourselves in situations that are uncomfortable. I'm here for you.»
Joachim Zahn
22. «My mobile is mine!»: How can parents manage permissions properly?
As far as parental responsibility is concerned, the phrase «My mobile is mine!» does not, at first, play a decisive role. This is because, whilst minors may own a smartphone, they remain under parental care until they reach the age of majority. Parents therefore have a duty to protect their child and to guide their use of digital media in an age-appropriate manner. This includes setting rules for the smartphone and ensuring they are followed. From an educational perspective, it therefore makes sense to regard the first smartphone as a device on loan from the parents. This ensures that responsibilities and rules are clear from the outset.
Clemens Beisel
23. I'd actually like to respect my child's privacy and not check their chat histories. Do I have to do it anyway? Or are there any alternatives?
«No, it's essential. Parents are responsible for what happens on their child's device and also have a duty of supervision in the digital world,» says Florian Buschmann. However, that doesn't mean you should secretly search through their mobile phone and read every message.
«If, for example, my child wants to join a class chat, I can agree that, as a condition, we'll check it together regularly – and I'll let them know in advance. Otherwise, I'll destroy my child's trust in me,» says Daniel Wolff. The child could then delete specific messages or hide chats. «But I have to accept that; otherwise, I can't allow apps like WhatsApp or a smartphone at all.»
Parents should also be aware that just because they are allowed to follow their child on Instagram or view the content together, that doesn't mean they see everything their child does there. «Quite a few teenagers have a fake account specifically for their parents – and a second one, which they naturally don't show at home,» says Daniel Wolff.
24. What specific factors should I consider when deciding whether to allow or ban an app?
I would seek to gather as broad a range of views as possible, using AI to do so, and ask: what are the age ratings, and where do the risks lie? Based on that, I can then make a decision. Sometimes it doesn't have to be a complete ban. It makes a difference whether I'm watching YouTube videos on my laptop in the living room or on my mobile, alone in my bedroom.
Joachim Zahn
25. I have a feeling my child is being bullied online. What should I do?
Bullying is associated with an extremely strong sense of shame. A child who is being bullied always thinks it is their own fault, that there is something wrong with them, that they are ugly, or that nobody likes them. It is therefore essential that parents provide a safe space. They can, for example, ask the child why they seem sad of late and express their concerns that they might be being bullied.
At the same time, though, let's make one thing clear: if that's true, we promise we won't go straight to the police, the school management, the teacher and, above all, not to the parents of the child who's bullying you. (That really never helps, because they'll always side with their own child.) And we won't take your mobile away from you either.
If the child is ready to talk, parents should try to find out exactly what happened by asking the standard «W» questions as objectively as possible. As many parents understandably become very emotional in such a situation, it may be helpful to seek guidance from an external specialist, for example at zischtig.ch or Pro Juventute.
In this context, I would like to allay a major fear held by all parents and children: if, as a next step, you speak to a school social worker, a teacher or even the police, this will neither make the situation worse nor will the child be bullied any more afterwards. Quite the opposite, in fact: as a general rule, it is those children who do not seek help who continue to be bullied. However, once it becomes clear that the child has the support of their family and that they are not afraid to report the matter to the police, the bullying usually stops.
Joachim Zahn
26. My child doesn't want to show me or talk to me about what they're doing on their mobile. What should I do?
This is perfectly normal during adolescence and is generally a sign that young people are developing splendidly and are gradually becoming independent of their parents. That said, it's worth asking: why isn't the young person keen on it?
I hear the following responses to this: Parents tend to be very judgemental and patronising when it comes to mobile phone issues («You do realise that's dangerous, don't you?», «There's nothing but rubbish on TikTok!»). Statements like these, however, disregard young people's interests; they feel rejected and no longer want to talk to their parents about it.
Parents, too, are allowed to admit that they have tried to cut down on the time they spend on Instagram, but have failed.
Joachim Zahn, media educator
The parents are very pushy; they want to talk about a subject too often and at the wrong time, instead of waiting for a relaxed moment at the weekend or during the holidays.
Parents themselves spend a great deal of time on their mobile phones, but they don't discuss this amongst themselves. It helps immensely if, as a family, you foster a positive culture in which everyone regularly discusses media-related topics. Parents are also allowed to admit that they've tried to cut down on the time they spend on Instagram, but haven't managed to. And they're also allowed to talk about their own difficulties with WhatsApp chats from time to time.
Joachim Zahn
27. I'm not in the least bit interested in the make-up tips my daughter looks up online, or in the game my son plays for hours on end. Do I still have to get involved?
«A great many young people these days spend more time on their mobile phones than at school. If I want to take an interest in my child, I simply cannot avoid taking an interest in what my child is interested in on their mobile phone,» says Daniel Wolff. Judith Mathez advises adopting a positive attitude: «Perhaps parents should simply see it as an opportunity to discover new worlds all over again. Once you've delved into it a little, there's usually something exciting to discover.»
According to Clemens Beisel, to spark your own interest and approach the conversation with confidence, you can also seek help from AI and ask: «What are the top make-up trends amongst 13-year-olds right now? Give me ten questions so I can chat to my daughter about them.»
If I can't really get excited about a particular topic, perhaps there are older siblings, an uncle or a neighbour who can relate to it more. «The important thing is simply that the child has someone who takes their interests seriously and shares in them,» says Judith Mathez.
28. When and how is the best time to talk about pornography? And what should I do if my child doesn't want to talk to me about it?
By the time parents decide their child is mature enough to have a conversation about this, the child has usually already been exposed to pornographic material for the first time – on average, at the age of 13. Very few children initiate such a conversation themselves. That is why they should, at the very least, be made aware of the following three things at an early stage – that is, as soon as they or their friends have access to a mobile phone:
- Porn films are staged by actresses and actors; they do not depict reality.
- Nobody has to do what is portrayed in porn. Everyone explores their sexuality in their own way and at their own pace; porn is not a good guide for this.
- You don't have to talk to us about this, but we're always here if you need to speak to someone. There are impartial organisations where you can get advice anonymously and discuss your concerns, such as Pro Juventute or the Zebra platform run by the Media Authority of North Rhine-Westphalia.
The umbrella organisation for Swiss men's and fathers’ organisations has launched the «Talk about Pornography» project in collaboration with the Swiss platform for promoting media literacy, «Jugend und Medien». The project offers a range of courses on the subject, as well as a brochure available for download.
Iren Schulz
If a child draws a joker card, it means: Whatever you tell us now, we promise not to tell you off.
Joachim Zahn, media educator
29. How openly should I talk to my child about sexting?
Many children these days are well-informed from an early age, but they usually only hear about the positive aspects of love and sexuality. Parents often forget to point out the negative aspects to them as a next step. However, children will inevitably be confronted with these as soon as they or their friends have mobile phones. Nude images are circulating everywhere, in class chats as well as on the gaming platform Roblox. So it's important for children to hear from their parents: «We know that these things happen. You can always talk to us about it.»
To help spark discussions with primary school pupils on these topics, there is an excellent guide by Dagmar Geisler entitled *Staying Safe Online! How Can I Protect Myself from Abuse and Fraud?* (Loewe Verlag).
Parents of teenagers need to be aware that, sooner or later, their children will receive «dick pics», i.e. pictures of penises. The key points here are:
- Do you know how to set up WhatsApp so that you don't see a photo straight away (Settings, Chats, turn off media visibility)?
- How do you deal with it emotionally when you receive something like that?
If, despite recommendations to the contrary, you do want to send such photos yourself, the following points are important: There should be mutual interest, and both parties should be willing to take part. The images should be as anonymous as possible and should not show any specific identifying features. After all, you don't have to take photos right between the legs; you can take more discreet erotic pictures instead.
And make sure to emphasise once again: You know you can still talk to us about anything. It's perfectly fine if we're not the right people to talk to about these issues, but perhaps we can think together about who might be better suited. After all, there's always a chance you might need help at some point.
A tried-and-tested idea for families with teenagers is to hand out «joker» cards. When teenagers draw one of these, it means to their parents: «Whatever you tell us now, we promise not to tell you off or judge your behaviour.»
Joachim Zahn
30. My child uses AI. What is the most important thing they should know about it?
It isn't a real person you're communicating with, even though a chatbot might give you the impression that it understands you well or is revealing something about itself. But that's by design, to make us want to use the chatbot.
AI can help with so many things – that's tempting. So don't use it as a shortcut, or at least not too often. Try to solve things yourself by thinking them through first; then you can ask the AI. You must always question its answer. After all, you probably don't want to lose the ability to think for yourself.
Joachim Zahn
Clear rules right from the start are crucial. The child knows their boundaries, and the parents make their responsibilities clear.
Judith Mathez, media educator
31. I don't always have the time or energy to supervise my child's media use. How can I still ensure that they don't consume anything that might be harmful to them, or that they don't spend too much time on their device?
«Very clear rules right from the start are absolutely crucial,» says Judith Mathez. This way, the child knows their boundaries, whilst parents make their authority and responsibility clear. Allowing extra screen time as an exception is very tempting and understandable when stressed parents need a break. However, it's important to remember that every exception waters down the rules; three exceptions are effectively a new rule – and that leads to yet more discussions, for which there's actually neither the time nor the energy.
According to Daniel Wolff, setting such clear rules doesn't exactly make you popular with your children at first. However, young adults often tell him that, looking back, they're grateful to their parents for having strict mobile phone rules at home. «Everyone should stop putting pressure on themselves to tackle issues immediately or to solve every problem straight away,» says Joachim Zahn. «I often achieve even more when I deal with them at the weekend, taking my time and keeping a cool head. What matters is not so much the duration as the regularity of discussions about media-related topics.»
After all, parents don't have to do all this on their own. There are godmothers, godfathers, neighbours and friends. «But if, as a parent, I take a step back from supervising my child's media use, I should think about where I can instead share my child's interests and strengthen our relationship,» says Joachim Zahn. For example, doing sports together or cooking together could be a good way to balance out screen time.
