How can my child become self-confident?

The seeds of our self-confidence are sown in our early childhood. The first years of a person's development are so important because it is during this time that their brain structure, with all its neuronal networks and connections, is formed. The experiences we have with our close caregivers during this early developmental phase are deeply engraved in our brain.

Children are existentially dependent on their parents loving them unconditionally and responding sensitively to their needs. Whether and how these needs for basic acceptance are met in our childhood has a decisive influence on how we go through life later on. The most important thing for children is the reliable and physical closeness of their parents, their care and immediate affection. This is «the ticket to survival», says paediatrician Herbert Renz-Polster.

The four basic needs of our self-confidence

According to psychotherapy researcher Klaus Grawe, there are four basic psychological needs:

1st binding

Early bonding experiences have a fundamental influence on later health, relationship skills and stress resistance. It is like a kind of aircraft carrier from which you can take off into the world. In the first six years of life, the child learns: «I can rely on mum and dad.» «I am heard and seen.» «I am allowed to cry.» «My needs are recognised.»

If recognition is linked to a certain condition, the child realises that it is only valuable if it behaves in a certain way.

Close, caring and reliable contact between child and carer is a prerequisite for this. If this first relationship experience is able to provide a sense of security, reliability and protection, something like a stable basic feeling develops. If the child's need for attachment is frustrated - through neglect, rejection or psychological or physical abuse - the feeling of being valuable, strong and competent suffers.

2. autonomy

Children need security, but also autonomy and independence. According to attachment researcher John Bowlby, children are naturally equipped with a research programme with which they approach their environment and become involved in other people's lives. They want to feel «effective». They can only develop this confidence in their own abilities if they are allowed to express their own will.

Many children are so emotionally at the centre of the family that they «become disabled out of love», says Herbert Renz-Polster. An example: the ten-year-old wants to visit her grandma three hours away by train on her own. Many parents instinctively tighten the leash - for fear that the girl might never reach her grandma.

These fears are understandable, but are seen as «parental overprotection». After all, autonomy also means that children can decide certain things for themselves, depending on their age and within the scope of their abilities.

3. pleasure satisfaction

The child strives to feel pleasure and avoid displeasure. It is of existential importance for later life to regulate this sense of pleasure. The child must learn the ability to tolerate frustration, to defer rewards and to renounce urges, and so education is largely designed to teach the child how to deal appropriately with pleasure and displeasure.

Need number 2 often goes hand in hand with need number 3 (eating dessert before the main meal, for example). What is needed is a healthy approach. If this need is regulated too much, it can lead to the child developing compulsive behaviour later on - or, conversely, giving in to their cravings all too readily.

4. recognition

This is about the realisation: «I am welcome just as I am.» If this is the case, the world is a friendly place. We are conditioned to receive recognition from others - from an early age. It becomes problematic when this recognition is linked to a condition. In other words, you only love a child because it has done something particularly well or has shown a particularly beautiful side. The child then realises that it is only valuable if it behaves in a certain way.

Self-confidence is severely shaken by the experience of not being treated with respect. Verbal abuse such as belittling, humiliation and even withdrawal of love can lead a child to conclude that something is wrong with them. But the reverse is also true: if their abilities are ignored or taken for granted, it can be difficult to develop a sense of their own abilities and to be proud of themselves.

Having healthy self-confidence therefore means feeling competent (lat. competere = to be capable of something) and being able to say from the bottom of your heart: «I can do something.» - «I am loved just as I am.» - «I can have a mind of my own.» - «I am respected and recognised.» - «Even when things aren't going so well, I'm okay.»

We have seen that these competences are largely formed in the childhood years from functioning relationships. This puts a lot of pressure on parents to «do it» as well as possible so that the child «turns out well». Many parents find everyday life with parenting, school and work demanding. Does it have a negative impact on the child's self-confidence if the parents are stressed, busy at work or perfectionists? What if a stroke of fate or a separation presents us with major challenges?

Parents are not to blame for everything

Parents are not always to blame, says German paediatrician Herbert Renz-Polster. «Blaming the parents has been the business model of psychology for the last 100 years, which has sought to explain every drama and every injury to people through their mother's behaviour,» he says. Parents are particularly vulnerable: they believe that everything that goes wrong with children is their fault. Wrongly so! «Parenting takes place within a system.»

Today's parents are doing really well.

Herbert Renz-Poster, paediatrician

According to Renz-Polster, parents are neither the all-powerful «course setters» nor the magicians who teach their children the tricks of life, but are part of a whole that also includes the children themselves, their relatives, friends, school, clubs and even society as a whole. Today's parents are actually doing a really good job.

Several studies, including the Shell study in particular, confirm that parents have a good upbringing and that children have a good relationship with their mother and father: «More than 90 per cent of children and young people have a good relationship with their parents, consider them to be the most important source of support alongside their friends and find backing and emotional support from them.»

Family, friends and leisure activities contribute significantly to a child's self-confidence and well-being. What role does school play? Several studies indicate that school, the pressure to perform and the associated stress tend to have a negative impact on a child's self-confidence.

Less self-confident children are more likely to suffer at school

In fact, children who see themselves as insecure and less competent are particularly at risk at school, says Bern-based educational scientist Tina Hascher. Children with low self-confidence are more anxious at school, have less confidence in themselves, try less hard as a result and have a more negative view of the future.

There is a lot of pressure on parents to «do it» as well as possible so that the child «comes out well».

These children need our attention. Especially when things are going badly, for example at school. Older children then also need their parents or other adults to comfort and motivate them. «Nothing strengthens children more than the knowledge that I am wonderful, and no one can convey this feeling better than parents,» explains German psychiatrist Michael Schulte-Markwort.

«To do this, it is necessary to focus on the child's strengths rather than their weaknesses.» Did they fail their maths test? Maybe the child is good at French or has a passion for reading. But even if their school life is diminishing their self-confidence or things are going badly in the family, a child doesn't necessarily have to fail.

«Not every scratch leads to illness,» says Renz-Polster. «It takes many unfavourable influences to throw a child off the developmental track.» In order to go through life insecurely, basic needs must have been massively unfulfilled or disregarded.

Stimulate your own resilience

And even then, a child does not necessarily have to fail. Even without fabulous self-confidence, a child can grow up to be psychologically healthy, happy and content. Because - this is the good news - unfavourable circumstances can almost always be compensated for by other factors from which the child draws strength and confidence.

This includes siblings, grandparents, friends and even neighbours with whom a child repeatedly plays, eats or does their homework. They can unconsciously give the child the experience that they can do something, that they are valuable and that they can develop inner strength or resilience. This happens in the child itself; it cannot be actively trained.

Positive and self-effective experiences feed confidence in the self like an inner power station.

Resilience «is not a static matter, not a programme and not a product that you can simply develop,» says Zurich psychology professor Corina Wustmann. Children cannot be «made» resilient. Rather, it is individual pieces of the puzzle that are in a constant interplay that contribute to a child feeling inner strength, even when life is «mean» to them. And, according to Wustmann, it is not always possible to pinpoint exactly why a sometimes unhappy child then becomes a happy adult.

According to Wustmann, positive experiences in everyday life are the main contributors to resilience. «When children can take on responsibility in everyday life in an age-appropriate way, they feel self-efficacious. They realise that they can do something and others see that they can do it well - these experiences are more valuable than all the support programmes put together.»

«I am not wrapped in cotton wool»

The most lasting messages for a child's self-confidence are therefore: «I can have experiences.» «I am not wrapped in cotton wool.» «I can achieve something that is fun and enjoyable for me and others.» This is the source of a child's self-confidence. Positive and self-effective experiences in the playgroup or daycare centre, in kindergarten and at school, but also in the forest, on the football pitch or through a hobby feed this confidence like an inner power station. The child draws on this when doubts arise. For example, beliefs, i.e. internalised messages from parents, simple statements such as «Maths just isn't your thing!».

This inner voice is heard more often in insecure children than in more confident ones, and insecure children are more likely to be influenced by it. They hear this inner rebuking, criticising voice at the slightest mistake. The result can be shame, says behavioural therapist and author Mathew McKay: out of fear of taking risks and being rejected, they move very cautiously in the world. «The feeling of not making it or not deserving it can hinder functioning and satisfaction in practically every area of life.»

Be kind to yourself

According to Mathew McKay, one way to combat these inner doubts is to name feelings or thoughts so that we can look at them from a distance and not identify with them. And so they lose power. An unsatisfactory grade in maths, for example, does not mean that you are always bad at maths.

Children should be told every day that they are loved from the bottom of their hearts.

Margarete Killer-Rietschel, psychologist

A second option is to change your focus and find out what is going well. «Every life has aspects that you regret or regret. The crucial thing is not so much what happens to you, but how you focus your attention on it.» For every person, big or small, it is ultimately about taking a balanced view of oneself, showing understanding and compassion for oneself and others. You can also teach your children these Buddhist virtues: «I'm okay, even when I'm not» - this simple maxim really does help.

And affection. Lots of affection. Preferably every day. «Children should be told every day that they are loved from the bottom of their hearts and that they are very special,» says psychologist Margarete Killer-Rietschel. Because hand on heart: we adults also like to hear that. Especially when the day starts on a cloudy note.