How can good communication be achieved in the family?

The front door crashes loudly into the lock. A loud «Haaalloooo!» booms through the corridor. Then the school desk bangs on the tiled floor. «Please put that away,» is heard from the kitchen, which is dismissed with an energetic «Later!». These and similar situations, which often lead to arguments and frustration in everyday family life, were almost unthinkable in our grandparents' day. «In the 1950s, asking questions was considered cheeky, fathers gave orders, almost like in the military,» says Ueli Mäder, professor emeritus of sociology, describing the basic communicative attitude in the era of authoritarian parenting styles.

Awareness of how valuable good communication can be has increased massively.

Priska Senti, child and adolescent psychologist

«There were joint activities, but discussing and agreeing on things together was less common.» Education consisted of teaching obedience, cleanliness, punctuality and subordination. Dissent was not tolerated.

Today, parents are focussing on attachment-oriented parenting, which creates more closeness and understanding for each other. «Awareness of how valuable good communication can be has increased massively,» says child and youth psychologist Priska Senti, who usually meets parents in her practice in Chur GR who want to raise their children as partners. Conversations have taken the place of rigid rules, which Senti sees as a great advantage for parents and children, but also for society as a whole.

And Pasqualina Perrig-Chiello, professor emeritus of psychology, emphasised in an article in this magazine: «The consultative and participative parenting style - i.e. a leadership style in which the children themselves are allowed to develop suggestions that are discussed together - has by far the most favourable influence on the psychological and emotional development of children, regardless of the social context of the family.»

A great opportunity - but also growing pressure on fathers and mothers to fulfil their own expectations of «doing well», says child and youth psychologist Priska Senti.

The four biggest stumbling blocks

So what does successful communication in the family look like? How do you manage not to get bogged down in endless discussions with your offspring or to have a good conversation at all? And when can parents simply sit back and relax with the certainty that: «The child's reaction to my comments and requests is completely normal and age-appropriate, nothing to worry about!» These are questions that this dossier aims to get to the bottom of.

If you ask parents which communication stumbling blocks they come up against most often, typical situations crystallise. We asked parenting experts to categorise them.

1. «Why is my child so wild at home?»

A cosy home, a feeling of security, familiarity with one another: of course it's nice tofeel comfortable in a small family circle.In reality, however, the atmosphere is often less harmonious than fathers and mothers would like.

Kathrin Hersberger Roos, Co-Head of the Biel-Seeland Educational Counselling Centre, repeatedly observes that the family is seen as a setting where you can let yourself go. «Children are less likely to make emotionally coloured statements to adults in a school context. Of course, this also applies to parents in their working environment,» says the counsellor.

This can be stressful for parents - but shouldn't be seen as a negative thing, says Hersberger Roos: « Letting yourself go a bit at home also means recognising that the bonds are solid. Children who behave in a totally conformist way outside the home and give free rein to their pent-up emotions at home also feel this way.»

A valve function that is important for regulating emotions. And which also means that the communication code - namely a friendly choice of words - has arrived and is generally applied, at least outside the immediate family circle.

2. «Everyday life is eating us up!»

It's not just the different external influences that affect communication; the stress levels of the individual family members are also high from time to time. Family life with several children is often turbulent and the organisation is demanding. The more children there are, the more free-time appointments there are, plus the demands of school, such as studying for exams and homework. How does a family manage to create islands of communication?

Parent educator Patrizia Luger Holenstein is often confronted with this question. On behalf of Child Protection Switzerland, she helps mothers, fathers and other caregivers in «Strong Parents - Strong Children» courses to make their day-to-day parenting more conscious and fulfilling. She advises them not to take on so much. «Consciously leaving time open when organising the remaining free time not only helps to reduce stress levels, but also to create opportunities for communication.»

These stress-free phases are more important than the endeavour itself. «The setting often plays a subordinate role, provided there is time,» confirms Priska Senti. Time is even more limited for parents who live apart. «On the other hand, they often use their time together with the child a little more consciously than family members who always live under the same roof.»

3. «My child doesn't tell me anything.»

«So, how was school?» - «Good.» Raise your hand if you don't know this conversation and haven't stumbled into it yourself more than once.

Whether as part of a planned family council, a Sunday walk together or simply in between: Of course, the chosen form of conversation also contributes to successful communication. Or not. In this case, it is worth looking for more promising options. «If questions are asked in this way, the conversation remains short and superficial,» says psychologist Hersberger Roos, summarising the problem.

More specific questions such as: «You had group work today, what exactly did you cover there?» are much more effective. Such points of reference, which relate to the other person's world, also strengthen the relationship. «Remembering such key points also signals genuine interest in the other person, it shows You are important to me.»

There are often brief moments when children want to tell something spontaneously. Parents should make the most of these.

If disruptive external influences such as loud music are contained, this also helps to create a communication-friendly atmosphere. «If tempers are calm and the people involved in the conversation are in balance, any setting will work,» emphasises Patrizia Luger Holenstein.

«Quiet activities such as doing handicrafts together can also create a relaxed atmosphere.» It is also a good idea to introduce routines so that you can exchange ideas and have conversations. Rituals such as reading aloud before going to bed or having a snack together can create periods of time, especially for younger children, in which their attention is unclouded and there are no distractions.

But what works well in one family doesn't necessarily work in another. What's more, there are often brief moments when children want to share something spontaneously. Experts advise parents to make the most of these and respond to their children despite the stress.

4. «Now tidy up your jacket!»

If you see your child's jacket and sports bag on the floor when they come home, you'll be tempted to say: «Put that away!» If the child runs off without having achieved anything, the pulse quickens.

Child and adolescent psychologist Priska Senti knows this cycle well, which is exemplary for many everyday situations. It can also quickly become a vicious circle. «Both the child and the parent often move away from the scene, but the expectation remains, while the frustration grows that the other person is not recognising their own needs. The situation escalates until it comes to shouting; only then is it cleared up. It's a dead end, unsatisfactory for both sides.»

Different needs often clash in such situations. «The mother or father wants order and the child may be ravenous or had to pull themselves together in the last lesson because the school day was very long,» says parent educator Patrizia Luger Holenstein, analysing the fictitious situation. «It's often worth satisfying basic needs first and then coming back to your own concerns. Then the child is receptive again.»

Rethink your own reactions

Recognising these and other communication traps in your own family life is an important first step. Reflecting on your own behaviour and adapting it if necessary is another: What am I doing to ensure that we don't interact with each other the way I would actually like us to? What can I do myself to make things better?

Parenting counsellor Kathrin Hersberger Roos knows the typical negative statements that parents are quick to utter in difficult moments: «Haven't you tidied up again?» is dismissive of the child. «You're just too lazy!» without asking the motive or reason. And moralising in the sense of: «If you don't finally learn to tidy up your things, you'll never amount to anything!» doesn't help either, in their opinion.

Even if parents question their child almost investigatively, they will not find out more about him or her.

Kathrin Hersberger Roos, educational counsellor

There are other unfavourable patterns that are incorporated into family communication. «Parents often have the feeling that they know what the child wants to say because they know them so well,» says the parenting counsellor. However, it is better not to react too quickly, to let the son or daughter finish speaking and thus ensure understanding.

Long monologues about the issue or too much information at once would also distract from the message. «And if parents ask their child almost investigative questions, they won't find out any more about them.» The guiding principle here is: more of the same is not worth it. If the son or daughter does not respond to a topic, it is important to explore other avenues and ask questions at a later date.

Include children's development in communication

Showing a willingness to listen, asking questions in moderation, not flooding the child with information - these key points are important for successful communication. What's more: Not every child reacts in the same way as their peers.

«Of course, it's valuable to know what stage of development the child is currently at,» says psychologist Priska Senti. If the child's age is taken into account, the communication options can also be adapted. «In infancy, a lot happens non-verbally, through actions and touch; as the child gets older, explanations are understood and the ability to empathise matures.»

If mutual understanding grows, mothers and fathers feel more secure in their role as parents.

Priska Senti, child and adolescent psychologist

In adolescence, completely new questions arise, which Senti seeks answers to in her joint practice with teenage parents in Chur. «Of course, it can be challenging when a daughter or son suddenly has mood swings, freaks out quickly or is offended. Communication becomes challenging, and parents' feelings are often hurt when they encounter rejection.»

However, this phase also has a very special appeal due to the growing need for autonomy: «It's great when parents remain curious about how their children are developing at this age and are open to their views and opinions. Teenagers want to be taken seriously.»

The subtleties in communication are important

Young people question the tried and tested and follow their own communication channels, which are, however, based on those of the family. It is therefore worth taking a close look at your own communication patterns at an early age - and changing them if necessary.

Parenting counsellor Kathrin Hersberger Roos observes time and again that even small adjustments in the way we communicate can make a big difference. «I say it a hundred times and my daughter just doesn't listen!» is a statement she often hears. The first thing she recommends is to check the child's attention management.

Parents should look at themselves first, also in terms of communication.

Patrizia Luger Holenstein, parent educator

After the door closes, is he already on the threshold of the room and focussed on the new game he was given by his godfather last week? Does it help to give his shoulder a quick tap to draw his attention to me and my request? Is the child even in the same room or do I shout my request to him from the living room? - Subtleties that need to be considered in communication so that it succeeds more often.

For Senti, it is not only important that the other person receives more in this way, but also that these small steps have a positive influence on communication and therefore the relationship with the child. «If mutual understanding grows, mums and dads feel more confident in their role as parents, they feel more competent and being a parent is more enjoyable. What's more, the children learn from them, which makes investing in more conscious communication all the more worthwhile.»

Important role model role of parents

Awareness of communication has grown, while families have become smaller in recent decades and are more centred around the core people. «This gives parents more weight in how and what they pass on to their children. This also applies to the tone of behaviour in the family,» says sociologist Ueli Mäder.

A fact that Patrizia Luger Holenstein also addresses in the «Strong Parents - Strong Children» courses organised by Child Protection Switzerland with the «Pyramid of Influence». «The role model has the strongest influence on children's behaviour. That's why parents shouldn't primarily want to change the child's behaviour, but should first look at themselves. This also applies to the way they communicate.»

Appreciative communication goes a long way.

As a mum, how do I want people to talk to me? As a father, do I like it when someone takes the phone call while I'm sitting at the lunch table with them? «Being clear about your own values and attitudes is incredibly helpful in everyday family life,» parent counsellor Luger Holenstein is convinced. «It's not only important for the child to represent these values, they also give them a sense of security.» Security and guidance that can also be reflected in everyday situations.

Relationship-strengthening communication

The jacket is still on the floor, the school bag has missed its designated place, the door is still shaking slightly from being slammed. Why is the child behaving like this? Why is it not possible for him to look after his school bag right now? Why is it important for me to insist?

If your own values are represented and the communication is respectful, a lot has already been done. Perhaps a hug before the request is enough, maybe a snack roll to find the energy afterwards. «Recognising and acknowledging the needs of the other person is a good step towards positive, relationship-strengthening communication,» says child psychologist Senti. «This helps you to stick to what is important to you as a parent and at the same time continue to weave the relationship thread bit by bit.»