Homework - the relationship with the child comes first

Matteo is standing at the window of his nursery with his walkie-talkie. He has an important detective assignment to fulfil. He receives the secret learning words for his dictation from his mum via the walkie-talkie. Concentrating hard, he writes «flower bulb», «early spring» and «bicycle bell» on the window pane with a pen. When his mum says «That's enough for today», Matteo is a little disappointed. He would have liked to carry on.

Nicole Fritzler recommends games like this to parents who turn to her annoyed, desperate or helpless because there is too much stress and arguments about homework at home. The psychologist conducts research at Bielefeld University into learning support at home and at school, offers online training and also shares her everyday tips on her Instagram account.

The demand is high, as almost half of parents feel that homework is a burden for their children. This is the result of an additional evaluation commissioned by the Mercator Foundation Switzerland in February for the study «Which school does Switzerland want?». More than 3,000 parents of school-age children were surveyed for the study in 2022. According to the study, the majority of younger parents up to the age of 35 and mothers in particular would like to exempt at least primary school children from homework.

Parental commitment is needed

No homework, no arguments: Nicole Fritzler doesn't see it as that simple. «For years, a child needs an environment that stimulates self-regulatory skills. This is the only way they can develop independent and self-motivated learning. Parents therefore have no choice but to support their children in their learning, even without homework.» What she finds positive about homework is that the home environment offers great potential to practise learning content regularly and specifically and to respond to children's individual needs.

The child wants to remain in charge of their homework and feel competent in this area.

Nadine Fesseler-Besio, course leader for parent education

But how do you tackle learning together without children and parents getting into a bad mood, getting angry and starting to rant or cry? «Before you get started, I would always do a mood check first,» says Nadine Fesseler-Besio. She is the manager and speaker at Elternlehre in Bern, an organisation that supports parents in their day-to-day parenting work.

If the child's nerves are already frayed, they may need a round on the punching bag before they are ready to sit down to the tasks in peace. Parents will also be more relaxed when looking at a maths book if it is not held under their noses immediately after work, but with a coffee break in between.

«Especially under stress, parents quickly become problem-orientated and only see: there's homework that needs to be done, preferably as quickly as possible, because there are other things to do,» says Nadine Fesseler-Besio. This is often followed by tips or advice on how the parents would solve the maths problem or write the essay - which leads to additional pressure and stress for the child, especially if a teacher has explained something differently. «The child wants to remain in charge of their homework and feel competent, which is the key to motivation to learn,» says Nadine Fesseler-Besio.

Homework is not worth arguing about

Equally important for motivation to learn: a good relationship between parents and child. «No homework in the world is worth arguing with your child over and jeopardising the relationship,» says Nicole Fritzler. Instead of focusing on the problem (the homework has to be done), she recommends that parents take a needs-orientated approach and consider what the child needs so that they can get on with the tasks and feel comfortable doing them.

Parents should not turn themselves into co-teachers, but should always have their child's best interests at heart.

Nicole Fritzler, psychologist

«As a parent, all you really have to do is listen to your gut feeling. If a child is helping in the kitchen and I realise they can't chop a carrot yet, I'll just give them a cucumber,» says Nicole Fritzler. The child stays motivated because they are allowed to help and you trust them to do something without overtaxing them. «Or if a child gets stuck building Lego, we ask them which step they are struggling with and what they need to continue,» says Fritzler. By asking such questions, parents motivate their child to perceive the situation as a learning opportunity and to grow from it.

Learning through play is better

As far as homework is concerned, she recommends that parents take a similar approach. «Under no circumstances should you turn yourself into a co-teacher. Parents always remain parents who focus on the well-being of their children and their relationship with them,» says Nicole Fritzler. For her, this also means when learning together: parents have a good time with their child and take their needs into account. After many not always exciting and fun-filled hours at school, some children are usually no longer particularly keen on dull vocabulary learning or maths problems in the afternoon. «However, if you go beyond the classic learning situation, turn a parlour game into a learning game, have the vocabulary written on the floor with sticky tape or combine learning the multiplication tables with a rally through the house, both sides usually have a good time,» says Nicole Fritzler.

For parents, this may sometimes mean a little more preparation time to think something like this through. However, learning together is usually quicker - and above all more relaxed. The brain can process the learning material much more effectively if the child enjoys learning. «It's best to sit down together at the weekend and see what's on the agenda for the coming week. Then you can plan together when and how you want to practise for a vocabulary test or dictation. Often, just 15 minutes a day is enough,» says Nicole Fritzler.

Take a «break for the relationship» in the event of conflicts

Sometimes, however, the learning relationship between parents and children is already so tense that everyone expects there to be another argument as soon as they open the English book. In such a case, Nicole Fritzler advises to consciously show the child how important the good relationship is and that learning is by no means above it. She recommends introducing a so-called heart glass.

«Whenever parents observe something in everyday life that the child has done well, or when they experience nice moments together, they write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the jar,» says Fritzler. If there are tense moments or conflicts while learning together, a conscious «break for the relationship» is taken and two or three pieces of paper are pulled out of the jar. «The child then hears and feels that there are things that they can do well, that the parents recognise these things and trust them to master this challenge too.» It also brings everyone back to the here and now and makes it clear: «The learning situation is so tense for both of us right now that we're almost losing sight of our relationship - it's not worth it to me.»