At school, the child is at the centre, not the parents

The first-grader has been working on his homework for an hour now, writing new letters. Tears keep flowing. «Because it's all so much,» he says. The mum is angry with the teacher and writes an angry email that afternoon: «You can't expect a small child to do so much homework!» The teacher replies promptly. It is clear from her reply that the child has misunderstood something at school and has done far more homework than necessary.

Many parents today would like to solve all of their children's problems and get them out of trouble, but that is not their job.

Maja Kern, Lecturer PH Lucerne

«This situation is a good example of how communication between parents and teachers should not take place,» says Maja Kern, who works as a lecturer at the Lucerne University of Teacher Education. One focus of her work is cooperation between school and family, which she considers to be unavoidable. «After all, parents and schools share responsibility for the child,» she says.

Different perspectives

Angela Aegerter, lecturer at the PHBern, speaks of an educational partnership «in which both sides can and should assume that they only want the best for the child».

However, as with other partnerships, there is a lot of potential for conflict in the relationship between parents and teachers . «Parents naturally have their child's interests and well-being in mind first and foremost. The teacher, however, is concerned with the well-being of the whole class or even the whole school community,» says Maja Kern.

In addition, the parents are not present at school. If the child is outraged by the unfair behaviour of a teacher, that is their perception. «Of course, parents should take such things seriously and ask exactly what was going on. But you shouldn't always take everything at face value,» says Maja Kern. This is also shown by the example of homework described at the beginning.

Her advice to parents: Always remember that the child is at the centre when it comes to school matters. «Many parents today would like to solve all the difficulties for their children and get all the problems out of the way, but that's not their job,» says Maja Kern.

In the example of homework, she believes it would have been a good idea for the child to speak to the teacher themselves the next day at school about how long it took them. «If parents experience that there is often a lot of homework and the child suffers as a result, they can of course contact the teacher themselves.»

Regular contact helps

Angela Aegerter also believes that parents should always contact a teacher as soon as they are concerned about something or notice that their child's behaviour has changed. «These can also be important positive developmental steps and not always just problems,» says the expert. This is because good, regular contact helps to build trust. «And if the contact really does become too much for a teacher, it is also up to them to say so,» says Aegerter.

If a child sees that the parents cooperate well with the teacher, this has a positive effect on the pupils.

She has observed that parents are generally more interested in schools today and that schools are also trying to fulfil the increased need for information - because both sides benefit from this. Several research projects have shown this: If a child sees that the parents are interested in the school and co-operate well with the teacher and pull together, then this has a demonstrably positive effect on the pupils.

Parents demand too much from the school

A survey conducted by the Mercator Foundation on the topic of «What kind of school does Switzerland want?» shows that this is not yet the case at all schools. Almost 70 per cent of the parents surveyed stated that schools need to become more transparent towards parents and provide more information. However, just as many respondents said that many parents demand too much from schools in the parent-school relationship.

In contrast to what many parents remember from their own school days, teachers today usually try to include pupils in parent-teacher communication and allow them to participate in discussions whenever possible. «Pupils should take on responsibility as they get older and be allowed to contribute their perspective. Their experiences, opinions and needs are central to the collaboration between home and school,» says Angela Aegerter.

In the event of conflicts, however, parents and teachers should think carefully about when they want a child to be present and when not. «If the child is not present, you should always let them know that a discussion is taking place, what it will be about and then let them know what came out of it,» says Maja Kern.

Parents should know their limits

However, it is not always a previous conflict, for example between different pupils or between a pupil and a teacher, that prompts a conversation. Many conflicts only arise during the conversation with the parents. «This often happens when parents overstep their authority,» says Maja Kern. For example, parents cannot decide which teacher teaches their child, who the child sits next to or interfere in the grading process.

«If a child feels that they are being judged wrongly and is suffering a lot, you can of course still talk to the teacher about it. But as a parent, I simply have to be clear about where my boundaries lie,» says Maja Kern. After all, you can't fundamentally question a teacher's teaching skills and think that you are in a much better position to judge this as a parent, nor should parents lose sight of what the conversation is actually about: namely the child.

«However, the parents' disappointed expectations often take centre stage because things at school may not be going as they would have liked. However, school is not about what the parents want, but what is good for the child,» says Maja Kern.

Not at the parents' evening

And regardless of how you want to get in touch with the teacher, the how and when is also crucial for success. «An email is a good way to give brief feedback if a child particularly enjoyed a project,» says Angela Aegerter. After all, it's positive messages like this that help to develop a good relationship. However, using an email to berate the teacher, as in the initial example, is not good style. «In a case like this, I can simply write and ask for an appointment for a conversation and briefly and objectively outline what it should be about,» says Maja Kern.

Parents should always bear in mind that a teacher usually teaches many pupils - and therefore needs to prepare for a short conversation. «But that's not possible if I wait for them in the corridor during the break,» says Maja Kern. She also doesn't think it's a good idea to take the teacher aside during the parents' evening to discuss an individual problem. The reason: «At the parents' evening, the teacher is there for all the parents.»