«We treat children like objects.»

Ms Hunziker, let's start with schools: where is the problem?

Primary schools are overburdened. Teachers have too little time for educational work and are having to take on more and more additional tasks. The list of administrative tasks is growing, and on top of that there is the coordination of special needs teachers, speech therapists, teaching assistants and community service workers, with whom teachers have to liaise or whom they have to supervise. There have never been so many people in the classroom. And new projects, educational concepts and subjects are constantly being added. The school merry-go-round is spinning faster and faster.

We want everything to run smoothly. This leads to high, sometimes unrealistic expectations.

How come?

School administrators, teachers, parents: everyone is under pressure because they feel that things have to run smoothly. Perfect solutions are demanded, not the best possible ones. So we are not dealing with a school or parenting problem here, but rather a societal one.

What do you mean by that?

We are driven by success and have to perform at our best because more and more eyes are on us. Even relaxation has become a competitive sport. People go to breathing classes or forest bathing, call in specialists when all they need to do is clear their heads. This pressure to optimise leads to high, sometimes unrealistic expectations that people have of themselves and others. We lose sight of the things that are going well. And a lot is going well in our schools.

For example?

People speak badly of primary schools when it comes to resources – yet they have never had so many. I also observe that schools are increasingly grappling with questions of attitude and the values they want to uphold. And that young teachers in particular are moving away from the idea that they have to cope with everything on their own; that solutions are sought together. Another positive development that is currently under threat concerns integration in schools: not immediately singling out children when things get difficult is crucial in terms of preventing violence.

Why?

Violence research shows that separating children with behavioural problems is not a good idea. Firstly, they then lack positive role models from whom they can learn. Secondly, for evolutionary reasons, people react extremely when threatened with social exclusion. Belonging to an existing group is essential for us.

The fear of being marginalised leads to strong reactions because we see ourselves in danger – behavioural problems get worse. What's more, these kids don't just disappear from society when we kick them out of school. We just end up paying the price later if we don't manage to create safe schools where problems are tackled together as best as possible.

What violence issues do schools face?

On the one hand, we are seeing increasing verbal abuse, insults and threats towards teachers and school staff, not only from children and young people, but also from their parents. Here, too, we are dealing with a societal trend.

In what way?

While domestic and physical violence in child-rearing certainly exist, they are declining thanks to intensive prevention measures. Verbal violence, however, is on the rise. Whether in political discussions or in everyday interactions, it has become almost commonplace for people to vent their frustrations without restraint. State institutions such as schools are a popular target.

Children today need more guidance and supervision. There are teenagers who have never learned to tie their shoelaces or brush their teeth properly.

The COVID-19 pandemic acted as an accelerant, as did social media, where you don't have to endure the other person's reaction. On the other hand, in school crisis intervention, we are observing that violence is affecting younger and younger age groups.

What exactly is this about?

Teachers report that even at nursery school, girls and boys behave like adolescents when they don't get what they want or when something is asked of them. They then resort to violence, hitting their peers, biting them or throwing stones at them, spitting at teachers and carers, kicking them or threatening to call their parents when they are unhappy.

Who are these children?

A nursery school teacher once referred to this phenomenon as «emotionally malnourished children», which I think sums it up well. Children are unable to cope with everyday tasks such as going to the toilet or putting on their jackets independently. Many are also unfamiliar with interacting with their peers. In general, children today need more guidance and supervision. I sometimes deal with teenagers who have never learned to tie their shoelaces or brush their teeth properly.

What's going wrong?

There are many factors contributing to the crisis. I have noticed two phenomena that, in my experience, are becoming increasingly prevalent. Firstly, we are seeing more and more families whose livelihoods are under threat and who are struggling to meet their fixed costs. These parents lack the resources to raise their children, often because they are socially isolated. In the past, children with behavioural problems were primarily identified in such situations, but today this assumption is no longer sufficient.

Why?

Children who are left to their own devices cannot develop healthily – nor can those who have everything done for them. To describe the second striking development, we are seeing more and more parents who leave every decision up to their children while at the same time wanting to make everything possible for them. Like curling, they sweep away any obstacles that might stand in their children's way. We are increasingly treating children like objects.

What does that mean?

Children want to achieve something and be proud of themselves. To do this, they need to be allowed to fail, make mistakes and grow through adversity. It is therefore disastrous if we spare them all inconveniences and make their lives as comfortable as possible, scheduling their leisure activities and taking action on their behalf in everything that concerns them. This is not treating a child as an individual with their own perspective, but as an object that needs to be managed. It then stands to reason that a child will also view their fellow human beings as objects and treat them as they please – after all, objects don't feel pain.

Why do parents act this way?

They want to do their job as well as possible. If I bake the cake myself as a mother, it looks better. And if, in my son's class, «all» the parents – at least according to him – help their children with their presentations, then I do the same, because otherwise I fear my child will be at a disadvantage. This is where the omnipresent pressure to optimise comes into play, which we talked about earlier. However, children do not learn what is most important for their development in courses.

But?

Developing healthy ways of dealing with difficult feelings, acquiring problem-solving skills, cooperating with others and being able to achieve something on their own – children need freedom to consolidate these skills. Free play with peers and small everyday challenges, such as walking to school independently or helping out around the house, provide the best training ground for this. But children's free time is so tightly scheduled and educational these days that such learning experiences are neglected. As parents, it takes courage to take a different path.

It takes a lot of courage and confidence to believe that your own child will not fall behind if you slow down.

In what way?

When I observe what others offer their children in terms of professional support and entertainment, I have to accept that my child may be bored at the weekend because I don't send them to tennis lessons or an after-school club, nor do I accompany them outside to play. Instead, if necessary, I encourage them three times to go out on their own.

It takes a lot of courage and confidence not to succumb to doubts that your own child will fall behind if you take a step back. Added to this is the fear of losing love. As I said, parents today are under pressure in all social classes. In this context, children often become a project, but also a refuge – their affection takes on a new meaning.

Parents want to be loved by their children.

That's why time spent together should be free of conflict. Asking for help with household chores doesn't make you very popular with your kids – they'd rather go snowboarding together. Most parents aren't aware of the impact their conflict avoidance has. That's why education about child development is so important. Teachers are experts in this field – but they need resources for working with parents, and they need them when they're not under pressure.

But what should schools do when parents outsource education?

For their part, parents should stick to their educational responsibilities. They should not join in curling games or try to anticipate all the challenges their children will face. I often observe that measures are taken for so-called problem children that leave them no opportunity to practise personal responsibility. Training wheels are fitted on all sides, and it is forgotten that the child will eventually have to be able to ride on their own.

Can you give me an example?

Two things should be kept in mind: Where does a child need support or protection in order to develop certain skills? But also: Where is there room for independent learning? In my experience, this aspect is often neglected. For example, a child may receive one-to-one support from a teaching assistant for long periods of time, and everything goes well until this support is withdrawn because the child moves up to secondary school or resources are reallocated. Measures should not be a blanket safety net – children must also have opportunities to achieve things on their own.

In doing so, you say, schools should have the courage to leave gaps.

Absolutely. You don't need specialists for everything. Sometimes the argument that you're not specialised in this or that can be paralysing and stop schools from looking for their own solutions.

Would it be possible to manage without a special needs teacher if necessary?

I wouldn't make a blanket statement like that – but it's not always necessary. It's good that we have specialists, but first you have to ask yourself: What do we want to achieve in this specific case? Do we need a specialist for this? What can they do that we cannot do ourselves? Where can parents provide support? A systemic way of thinking is crucial, one that makes existing resources visible and uses external support in a more targeted manner. In addition, everyone must be clear about their role.

What are you trying to say?

One characteristic of an acute crisis is that those involved take on roles that would normally be assigned to others. For example, the head teacher may feel it necessary to intervene in the classroom, while the class teacher takes care of matters that are the responsibility of the school management. This does not happen because the individuals involved accuse others of negligence – they simply want to do their job well in difficult situations. This leads to friction between them.

When teachers and parents pull together, children feel secure and are not tempted to play adults off against each other.

How can we improve?

By discussing as a team – not just when the going gets tough – who does what. This assessment is not a one-off exercise. Regular discussions about where the school wants to go and where it currently stands are crucial. Cultivating such spaces for reflection prevents collective overload, which children are very sensitive to.

And then what happens?

Then they take the helm. When adults fail to fulfil their responsibilities properly, children make the rules. This doesn't happen overnight. These are problematic patterns that have been allowed to take hold because everyone involved looked the other way, resorted to quick fixes and ultimately blamed someone else. Typically, schools pin the blame on individual children, while parents blame the school.

How can it be improved?

Children need to feel that the adults involved are pulling in the same direction and that everyone is taking responsibility. Then they feel safe and are not tempted to play adults off against each other and take positions they are not ready for. I cannot stress this enough: we need to talk to each other – within the school and especially with parents – in order to develop a common approach.

But what if parents have neither the will nor the interest to do so?

In over ten years of family counselling, I have learned one thing: there is no right or wrong, and there is always a reason for problems. Parents don't just act up for no reason. Some resort to confrontation out of fear that their child might be excluded, while others shut down because they believe they have failed, feel ashamed and don't want to be exposed. For example, violence by children towards their parents is a taboo subject that we are increasingly confronted with even in nursery school. When the child then displays negative behaviour and the teacher confronts the parents about it, they feel cornered.

What can help then?

Ask questions impartially, listen attentively, show genuine interest. The teacher should try to understand: What is going on in this family? Parents dread such conversations, and teachers also find them uncomfortable – often with the result that they are postponed or the teacher hides behind a standardised assessment grid. They then base their critical observations on tick boxes instead of seeking dialogue. Parents are afraid of being judged, and teachers don't want to stick their necks out too far because they fear backlash.

Cooperation requires trust, and trust must be earned. That takes time.

The situation is tricky.

The behaviour of everyone involved is understandable, but unproductive. Cooperation requires trust, and trust must be earned. Every day, I see how cooperative, self-critical and open parents are when they can trust that their situation will not be judged, but accepted for what it is: difficult. Then they are willing to make radical changes themselves.

For example?

If you can credibly convey to parents that your primary concern is for their child, you will find a way. It won't happen overnight, but step by step. I have never seen parents who acknowledge their distress – for example, that they become violent because they are overwhelmed – want to perpetuate this situation. For example, it is not me who reports cases of child endangerment to the child and adult protection authorities; I work this out together with the parents I support.

You encourage parents to report their own children as being at risk?

I don't make them do it – parents realise during the process that they can get support and make changes. But this requires that they feel understood and secure. Then fruitful discussions are also possible at school, even if the question of whether a child can remain in mainstream education is still open. Sometimes this is not possible, in which case an alternative solution must be worked out together with the parents. As I said, this requires a basis of trust. Teachers need more time to build relationships.

Where are they supposed to find the time?

Schools can relieve teachers by making more targeted use of support staff such as teaching assistants or community service workers. These individuals can take on many of the teachers' tasks, such as administration, correspondence, organisation and infrastructure issues. Schools should always ask themselves how much administration is really necessary. And it is worth sacrificing some of the glamour for the sake of efficiency.

What do you mean by that?

That special projects and workshops can sometimes be left out. Teachers need to be present in the classroom, maintain eye contact and be able to comment on what they observe so that children and young people feel that they are seen and heard – this is their most fundamental need. Administrative tasks can be outsourced, but relationship building cannot.