Help, our daughter's friend is a bad influence!

Jörg and Anna-Maria's 10-year-old daughter only orientates herself towards her new best friend. The supposedly bad influence also has a negative effect on the daughter's behaviour at school. What can parents do in such a situation? Our team of experts knows what to do.

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One question - three opinions

Our daughter, 10, is in fourth grade and is actually a good student. Unfortunately, she is orientated towards her new best friend, who tends to have difficulties learning and disrupts lessons. Our daughter is now behaving in the same way. The teacher has already noticed the change. What can we do?

Jörg, 45, and Anna-Marie, 46, Olten

What our team of experts says:

Nicole Althaus
This is a difficult case. Because peers gain influence as they get older. I'm neither a psychologist nor a teacher, but common sense tells me that forbidding the friendship would be counterproductive. And your daughter is still too young for the obligatory argument that success at school is important for life. But set rules: homework or exam preparation first, then free time with her friend. And if the teacher complains about further disruptions in lessons, punish your daughter by withdrawing her free time. As a parent, this shows that success at school is not everything, but it is important.
Peter Schneider
It may be a case of conscious or semi-conscious identification or solidarity with your best friend. However, reasoned arguments - especially if they are voiced by the parents - are not particularly effective in dealing with the unconscious. Why can't the teacher talk to her? After all, this is also part of the pedagogical craft - no less than imparting knowledge and assessing performance. Otherwise, keep your nerve and cool blood: The Times They Are A-Changin' (Bob Dylan).
Annette Cina
It is normal for children to imitate in order to fit in. As a rule, they imitate those who are cool, who attract attention. In this respect, your daughter's behaviour is understandable. If behaviour creeps in that is no longer okay, you should take action. By giving permission, you communicate that you agree with the behaviour. Try to make it clear to your daughter what the intentions and consequences of the behaviour may be. Is this what she wants? Take a stand and set boundaries. You have no guarantee that your daughter will then refrain from imitating the behaviour. However, you can introduce an attitude and other values.


The team of experts:

  • Annette Cina, 51, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
  • Peter Schneider, 66, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
  • Nicole Althaus, 54, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of «NZZ am Sonntag», columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of «wir eltern». Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children.
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