Help, our daughter can no longer fall asleep on her own!

Mum: Good evening, could I talk to you about something?

Counsellor: Yes, you are welcome to do that.

Mum: I just don't know what to do any more. We have a huge problem with falling asleep every night. Our seven-year-old daughter simply won't or can't fall asleep on her own. As soon as my husband and I get cosy, our daughter gets up again, wants a drink of water, says she can't fall asleep, she's not tired. This often lasts until eleven o'clock. We hardly have any time for ourselves.

Counsellor: That sounds exhausting!

Mum: Yes, very much. We are always patient at the beginning of the evening, but the later it gets, the more annoyed my husband and I become. I know that it doesn't get any better if we get impatient and loud, on the contrary, the mood gets even worse and our daughter is even less able to fall asleep. Or she falls asleep from sheer exhaustion and I feel totally guilty.

Counsellor: This is a typical clash of needs. You want to end the day and treat yourself to a quiet evening with your husband. Your daughter, on the other hand, needs you a little more than usual at the moment. Do I understand you correctly that you feel powerless and at the mercy of these situations?

Mum: Exactly. We resolve to do better every day. Sometimes we are stricter, sometimes more understanding, but in the end we always end up in the same pattern. I realise that I'm slowly running out of energy, I'm disappointed and feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

Counsellor: I hear that you are very committed as parents. Every evening you hope that things will get better, but now you are slowly losing confidence that things will get better.

Mum: Yes, I'm really dreading the evening.

Counsellor: I can imagine that. May I ask you a few questions?

Mum: Yes, with pleasure.

Counsellor: When did your daughter stop being able to fall asleep?

Mother: For about three months.

Counsellor: What do you think is preventing your daughter from falling asleep?

Mum: I have the feeling that she's getting more and more involved. She doesn't want to let go of the day, maybe she just wants to be there. She can't say herself. But maybe it's also because she's afraid of being alone.

Counsellor: What would be helpful for you in the conversation with me?

Mum: We've already tried so many things. Tonight we wanted to discuss the whole thing with her again. But I'm afraid we'll argue again. I think I'd actually like to talk about how we parents can deal with it.

Counsellor: I hear that you hope every evening anew that it will finally work out and that the issue is finally closed. A question from the timeline method comes to mind, which we sometimes use to stimulate a new perspective. Is it okay for you if I ask it?

Mum: Yes, with pleasure.

Counsellor: Assuming you look back on this time in a year's time, how will you feel about it?

Mum: Hm, interesting, I will probably see this time as a difficult phase.

Sometimes it is helpful to precisely define the goal as a parent.

Joëlle Amstutz, Consultant

Counsellor: How would it feel if you were to let go of the wish «It has to work out tonight» and see the topic as a phase or a process?

Mum: That feels lighter straight away! It takes the pressure off a little. If we look at the topic as a process and no longer just the individual evening, it takes the pressure off.

Counsellor: Yes, it seems that everyone is under a lot of pressure. Are there ways you can relieve and strengthen yourselves as a couple so that you can get through this phase?

Mum: It would probably make sense to take turns putting her to bed so that we're not both burdened. We used to do that when our daughter was younger; it worked well. And we could organise someone so that we can go out together again. We keep forgetting that.

Counsellor: Great, that sounds good! In such stressful times, it's important to look after yourself and do something good for yourself. Perhaps tonight's conversation will give you the opportunity to take some more pressure off. Sometimes it is helpful to define your goal as a parent precisely and then focus on the successful moments in the near future. This could sound like this, for example: «Hey, we think we're having such uncomfortable evenings at the moment, we're getting nervous, you're getting nervous and in the end we're all really unhappy. Let's see how we can make it better. The goal is clear: that we can all have cosy evenings again and you can fall asleep more relaxed. Come on, let's see when things have worked out better in the near future.» How does that sound to you?

Mum: What I like is that my daughter doesn't have to withdraw at all when I make an announcement like that.

Counsellor: Exactly, nobody is shamed in such an announcement and nobody has to withdraw. Nevertheless, you stand up for your needs, represent your own position and at the same time recognise your daughter. The next conversation can be based on the evenings on which a small step towards the goal was achieved. Small skills that were already somewhat recognisable can be emphasised in the sense of: «You did that, you were brave and so independent. Ah, there was a little lap of honour, but you're heading in the right direction, you can do it.» This way, you give your daughter responsibility and trust her to do something. What skill would your daughter need to learn so that she can fall asleep on her own?

Mother: I would say the ability to be alone or courageous.

Counsellor: Where does she already have this ability?

Mum: She goes shopping alone, for example.

Counsellor: Do you think you could build on this? And encourage her by showing her that you believe in her and that she will succeed?

Mum: Yes, that sounds good.

Counsellor: Perhaps it could also be helpful to swap roles: That you go to her five minutes after saying goodnight and say that everything is fine and that you will come round again in ten minutes. And then again after twenty minutes. That way you are active yourself and feel less at the mercy of her. Do you think this would be a way for your daughter to allow herself to sleep better?

Mum: I'll be happy to try. If there is anything else I would like to discuss, may I call again?

Consultant: Absolutely. That's what we're here for.