Help, my daughter wants a tattoo!

Ramona's 14-year-old daughter is going through puberty. The teenager wants a tattoo, but her mother is against it. How does she manage not to further strain the already difficult relationship with her daughter? Ban it or allow it? That's what our team of experts says.

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One question - three opinions

My daughter, 14, is in the middle of puberty and our relationship is difficult and strained. I can hardly get close to her any more. Now she also wants to get a tattoo. I'm actually against it, but I don't want our relationship to suffer any more. I also hope that if I allow her to get the tattoo, she'll like me a bit more again. What would you do?

Ramona, 38, Solothurn

This is what our team of experts says:

Peter Schneider
How about the compromise of having M A M A engraved on her forearm in beautiful Gothic script together with an arrow-pierced heart? Of course, what your daughter is doing is cold blackmail, but perhaps you could give yourself and her the surprise of honouring her wish. And you could - would you like to? - you could even join her («Mum, that's sooooo embarrassing!» - «But Mr Schneider said that.» - «He's even more embarrassing!») get a tattoo. Because what won't you do for peace and against puberty and for your daughter? (Can you send me a photo?)
Annette Cina
If your daughter gets what she wants, she will be happy. Without a doubt. But that doesn't mean that she will treat you differently. If you want to strengthen the relationship, take advantage of good moments when your daughter is accessible and show her that you love her. Taking a stand is also important in adolescence. Discuss things with each other in a quiet moment: listen to why your daughter wants this. Also present your point of view. Sometimes it can be helpful to hold out the prospect of when something will be possible. In this way, you avoid a general no and leave a door open.
Nicole Althaus
Dear Ramona, I have tattoos myself. Everyone should be allowed to decide for themselves about their own body. Because isn't it strange? Children have their ears pierced in kindergarten because earrings are part of the standard body jewellery, but after that it's time to stop decorating your body. However, at 14, your daughter is still a bit young to make such a far-reaching decision. At least if the tattoo is not small and is planned for above the ankle, where it can be hidden if necessary. I allowed my daughters to have piercings and tattoos from the age of 16. They found me even more annoying than usual because of the waiting time. But mum is annoying for a girl in metamorphosis anyway.


The team of experts:

  • Annette Cina, 51, works at the Institute for Family Research and Counselling at the University of Freiburg. In her own practice, the psychologist, psychotherapist and mother of three counsels young people and adults. Her research focuses on the prevention of child behavioural disorders, couple conflicts, parenting and stress.
  • Peter Schneider, 66, is a psychoanalyst, columnist and satirist. He used to be a professor of educational and developmental psychology at the University of Bremen and is still a private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich. Father and husband of an adult son and an adult wife from and in his first marriage.
  • Nicole Althaus, 54, is editor-in-chief of magazines and a member of the editorial board of «NZZ am Sonntag», columnist and author. She initiated the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of «Wir Eltern». Nicole Althaus is the mother of two grown-up children.
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