«Help, my daughter is a mess!»

Her nine-year-old daughter's bedroom is in chaos. No co-operation in sight. That's what our team of experts says.

Our daughter's room, 9, is often a terrible mess. Clothes, toys and even leftover food lie on the floor. When I ask her to clean up, she says snappishly: "You can tidy up yourself if it bothers you. How should I behave? What sanctions would you consider appropriate?

Daniela, 43, Stetten

<img alt="Stefanie RietzlerMany children are overwhelmed with tidying up on their own. It's best to help your daughter with this and put on some nice music or an audio book. An alternative would be daily «tidying sprints» of five minutes, for example before bedtime: Used clothes on the chair or in the laundry basket, rubbish in the bin, dishes in the kitchen - that way it stays manageable. The statement «You can tidy up yourself if it bothers you» can be seen as cheeky - or as a healthy demarcation: «If this really is my room, then I can organise it however I like. Keeping it tidy is your need, not mine.»" src="https://www.fritzundfraenzi.ch/uploads/2021/08/5b6e3197104030fa0e59c5179b6f2142.jpg» />
Stefanie Rietzler
Many children are overwhelmed with tidying up on their own. It's best to help your daughter with this and put on some nice music or an audio book. An alternative would be daily «tidying sprints» of five minutes, for example before bedtime: Used clothes on the chair or in the laundry basket, rubbish in the bin, dishes in the kitchen - that way it stays manageable. The statement «You can tidy up yourself if it bothers you» can be seen as cheeky - or as a healthy demarcation: «If this really is my room, then I can organise it however I like. Keeping it tidy is your need, not mine.»
Nicole AlthausGanz ehrlich? Schauen Sie weg! Es ist das Einzige, was mir bei meinen beiden Töchtern geholfen hat. Ich habe ihr Zimmer konsequent nicht mehr geputzt, und auch die Kleider nicht gewaschen, die auf dem Boden lagen. Glauben Sie mir, spätestens wenn die Unterhosen ausgehen und nur noch Kleider im Schrank liegen, die grad nicht angesagt sind, wird Fräulein Tochter aufräumen. Mein Deal war: Ich wasche dir die Kleider, du räumst das Zimmer einmal die Woche ordentlich auf. Passiert das nicht, kümmere ich mich auch nicht um die Wäsche. Der Deal hat nicht zu einem blitzblanken Zimmer geführt, aber nach dreimal Waschen und Bügeln hat die Tochter realisiert, dass Aufräumen schneller geht.
Nicole Althaus
Honestly? Look the other way! It's the only thing that has helped me with my two daughters. I consistently stopped cleaning their room and didn't wash the clothes that were on the floor. Believe me, at the latest when the pants run out and there are only clothes in the wardrobe that are not in fashion at the moment, Miss Daughter will tidy up. My deal was: I wash your clothes, you tidy the room once a week. If that doesn't happen, I won't do the laundry either. The deal didn't result in a spotless room, but after washing and ironing three times, my daughter realised that tidying up is quicker.
Peter SchneiderIhre Tochter will offenbar Krieg, und den soll sie kriegen. Natürlich unter Beachtung der Haager Landkriegsordnung und unter Berücksichtigung der ungleichen Waffen zwischen Kindern und Erwachsenen. Trotzdem müssen Sie damit rechnen, dass auf Seiten Ihrer Tochter unerlaubte Nervenkampfstoffe zum Einsatz kommen. Dagegen helfen Ruhe und eiserne Entschlossenheit: Ausser den Essensresten beseitigen Sie nichts aus dem Zimmer. Wenn Ihre Tochter Sie nach dem Verbleib irgendwelcher Kleidungsstücke fragt, antworten Sie wahrheitsgemäss mit «keine Ahnung». Nach spätestens sieben Jahren wird sich herausstellen, wer gewonnen hat. Zeigen Sie Ihrer Tochter dann, dass Sie sie trotzdem immer lieb gehabt haben.
Peter Schneider
Your daughter obviously wants war, and she's going to get it. Of course, in compliance with the Hague Convention and taking into account the unequal weapons between children and adults. Nevertheless, you must expect that unauthorised nerve agents will be used on your daughter's side. Calmness and iron determination will help against this: apart from the leftover food, do not remove anything from the room. If your daughter asks you about the whereabouts of any items of clothing, answer truthfully with «no idea». After seven years at the latest, it will become clear who has won. Then show your daughter that you have always loved her anyway.


The team of experts:
Nicole Althaus, 51, is editor-in-chief of magazines and member of the editorial board of "NZZ am Sonntag", columnist and author. She initiated and managed the mum blog on tagesanzeiger.ch and was editor-in-chief of "wir eltern". Nicole Althaus is the mother of two children aged 20 and 16.
Stefanie Rietzler is a psychologist, author
("Geborgen, mutig, frei", "Clever lernen") and runs the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich. www.mit-kindern-lernen.ch
Peter Schneider, 62, is a columnist, satirist, psychoanalyst, private lecturer in clinical psychology at the University of Zurich and visiting professor for the history and scientific theory of psychoanalysis in Berlin.
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