Heartwarming - how to learn empathy

I recently heard my daughter Fanny crying quietly in her room. She had already been noticeably quiet at dinner, but had only brusquely replied «It's nothing!» to my questions. When I poked my head in through the open door, I saw my nine-year-old sitting on her bed. Her eyes were slightly red and she kept scrunching up her nose loudly. «I'm so ashamed,» she sobbed, «I laughed out loud at Nina today.» Then she told us that they had jumped over boxes in after-school care. Nina was the only one who didn't make it. «She's not that sporty because she's so fat,» said Fanny. It looked incredibly funny how Nina just stayed on the box. One of them shouted: «Like a sack!» A few children giggled, as did Fanny. «I only stopped when I saw that Nina was almost crying,» my daughter whispered and threw herself into my arms.
Tears welled up in my eyes too. I suffered with my daughter. I was ashamed of her. And I could also feel the other girl's grief. «What's wrong, Mum?» my daughter wanted to know, who of course realised how upset I was. «Are you angry with me?» Was I? «I don't think it's good that you laughed,» I said. «But it's good that you now understand how your friend felt."
And then I told my daughter about a special feature of our brains that has always fascinated me. This ability to empathise, to actually feel what is happening to another person. "If we were both in a machine right now that could see inside our heads, the same dots would light up in our brains,» I said. «If I was lying with Nina in one of those brain scanning machines, it would be the same,» Fanny concluded. Because she would also feel her friend's grief - as if it were her own. «Awesome!» my daughter summarised. And as much as I sometimes dislike this word, I found it fitting this time.

Empathic civilisation needed

Empathy comes from the Greek word «empatheia»: «em» means «into», «pathos» means «suffering». The compound describes empathising with the emotional states of others. It used to be thought that people could only rationally understand how the other person was feeling based on their life experience. Then, in the mid-1990s, neurologists discovered that certain cells in the brain, the so-called «mirror cells», reflect the experiences and emotions of others. This applies not only to obvious states such as sadness, anger or disgust, but even to less obvious emotions such as embarrassment or loneliness.

It is empathy that makes us social beings in the first place.

Ever since it became clear that it is not a matter of supposedly sentimentalism, but of measurable processes, neurologists, biologists, psychologists and educationalists have wanted to find out how empathy arises: How does the body recognise certain issues before they are addressed? How does this connection between two people work that goes beyond a purely rational level?
Everyone agrees that it is empathy that makes us social beings in the first place. The sociologist and economist Jeremy Rifkin even believes that it is precisely this human quality that our time needs most. He calls for an «empathic civilisation» because the human ability to empathise with others forms the natural antithesis to the self-interest and narcissism of our society. Because it can help us do what the former German President Johannes Rau made his motto: reconcile instead of divide.

We have the talent for this within us. «We are probably born with the ability to empathise,» says neuropsychologist Matthias Bolz, who studies cognitive abilities and brain processes in humans at the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig. «In any case, this ability is already laid down in the brain in some way at a very early age.»
Psychologist Maria von Salisch from the University of Lüneburg is researching how children and young people develop emotional competence and learn to recognise feelings in themselves and others. The first training units are available from day zero: even babies acquire knowledge about different emotions.
«Pre-linguistic learning focuses on recognising certain characteristics and patterns. Whenever mummy picks me up, she smiles. Whenever dad changes my nappy, he makes a certain face.» A large part of communication between parents and young children is about recognising and being able to name basic feelings: Are you sad? Are you angry right now? Mummy is very tired right now. You don't have to be afraid.

So can babies already feel how others are feeling?

I remember the collective crying in the toddler groups that always broke out as soon as a baby started to cry. How distressed my children sounded when another sounded unhappy, even though they were fine themselves. «This is not an initial empathic reaction, but an emotional contagion,» says developmental psychologist Doris Bischof Köhler. "Children at this age don't even realise that it's about the other person. They can't yet distinguish between their own grief and the grief of a friend."

However, awareness of one's own feelings is crucial in order to be able to empathise at all. Only when a child is around eighteen months old and begins to recognise itself in the mirror does it develop a feeling for its own self and a sense of how another person is feeling. Researching these developmental processes is not easy. After all, young children have to be observed in an everyday situation that is as natural as possible.
In one of Doris Bischof-Köhler's series of experiments, an adult play partner feigned sadness to a child because her teddy bear had broken. «The children, who were not yet able to recognise themselves in the mirror, did not understand the situation and either reacted unconcernedly or wanted to be comforted themselves.» The other children, on the other hand, mirrored the emotion of their «friend», tried to comfort her and offered another soft toy.

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Allow for empathy gaps

There are always scenes in everyday life that warm parents' hearts because their children are «so sweet». My three-year-old son Carl hugging his big sister because he wants to comfort her after a fall. Who peacefully shares the sand toy because his friend has forgotten his things. My daughter Fanny, who shouts, «Let me do that», and then helps an old woman in the supermarket to pick up the shopping she has dropped.
When my husband and I talk about which character traits are particularly important to us in our children, empathy is right at the top of my list. How wonderful it would be if the two of them had a special sense of who needs comfort and support and acted compassionately accordingly. My husband then usually points out that Fanny and Carl are also allowed to be mischievous, inattentive or rude at times, that I have to allow them gaps in their empathy.

«But you're not so fit, Mum. You're panting like an old woman.»

«As if I could deny them that anyway,» I reply - and note that at three and a half years old, our son could still start to understand when his mum needs a little bit of support. That I can still explain to Carl so forcefully why I can't carry him up five flights of stairs with the shopping and that he should please, please walk himself.
But he still shouts: «Stupid mum!» and remains screaming in the stairwell. And Fanny, instead of taking her brother by the hand or a shopping bag, sprints up the stairs and greets me at the top with: «You're not so fit, Mum. You're panting like an old woman.»

It is a common saying that children are cruel. Andreas Schick, Head of the Heidelberg Prevention Centre, doesn't want to leave it at that. «I would say that children are great experimenters,» he says. «They are still discovering how to deal with themselves and others. This can always lead to them clearly overstepping the boundaries of others.»
A friend recently told me that her daughter had been reprimanded. At first, I was more pleased than shocked because I had previously found the eight-year-old to be perfectly well-adjusted. I was all the more surprised to learn that this girl and three friends had bullied a classmate. They had stuffed her scarf into a toilet and peed on it one after the other while the victim stood crying outside the door. I could see from my friend's face that she was just as shocked as I was. «Pretty callous, aren't you?» she said.

Empathy and compassion can also be trained.

Fortunately, however, empathy and compassion are not simply a matter of predisposition; they can be trained. "Like intelligence, this is a potential that can be specifically fostered or left untapped," says psychologist Andreas Schick. «If you train your mindfulness, i.e. if you can better notice and categorise your own bodily sensations and emotions, then you can also react more attentively and openly to others,» says Matthias Bolz, who has carried out mental training for adults under the direction of neuroscientist Tania Singer at the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig. Children need the guidance of adults during this process.

Andreas Schick calls this «emotion coaching». The therapist co-developed the «Faustlos» and «Fäustling» programmes to promote the social skills of kindergarten children and primary school pupils - and also to strengthen group spirit. In these training programmes, the children learn to put themselves in other people's shoes and practise what might be good for the other person. They playfully experience different situations and then talk to adults about how they felt in the other role.

This concept worked at my daughter's school. There is a boy in her class who bullied his classmates and teachers from day one. He called the girls «stupid bitches», and Tom (whose real name is different) punched several boys in the nose. He spat at adults and destroyed tables and chairs. Not a day went by for months without Fanny coming home with a new horror story - until the class teacher organised empathy training with his pupils.

In Tom's absence, he began by telling his story: the boy had been in hospital for two years before starting school because he had had cancer. During this time, he had had no contact with other children at all. «We played games to see how Tom felt,» my daughter said. «I think he's beside himself with fear.»
Using different roles, the class rehearsed what actually happens when someone snaps, over and over again for weeks. Tom also learnt the victim's perspective. Not all has been well since then. «But Tom has calmed down a lot since he started listening to us,» says Fanny.

Parental home as the most important school

Psychologist Andreas Schick is convinced that such measures can reduce bullying and violence in schools and promote openness towards others. This also needs to happen at home; the most important school for empathy is the parental home. So as a mum, I should never freak out because then I'm a bad role model?
I think of the many times when I have become much louder than I myself think is good. Where I saw that my children were already intimidated and still shouted. «If you feel like you've overstepped the mark, it's not a drama, it's deeply human. The important thing is to seek a dialogue later.» That you explain why you were angry and perhaps even discuss what the anger feels like.

It is not enough to share the feelings and sympathise if no help grows from them.

The crux of the matter is ultimately the step from mere empathy to action: After all, it is not enough to share your feelings and sympathise if this does not result in help for the person who needs it. But sometimes that takes more courage than you have. My daughter also wanted to apologise to Nina, who she had giggled about, but didn't really know how. She stopped laughing when another joke was made about the girl. «But I don't dare say that I think it's wrong either,» she said. A few days later, she had found a solution. Together with her best friend, she stood next to Nina when she was picked on again and told her how her trousers had ripped at her bottom while roller skating last weekend. And how bad the journey home had been. Nina was happy, says Fanny. «I could feel that. And it felt good.»

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• This article is part of the large online dossier on mindfulness and slowing down - take the time to immerse yourself and your family in our texts!
• Are we emotionally illiterate? An interview with Roots of Empathy founder Mary Gordon.