«Gell Dad, you're not really stupid»

Autumn holidays: I'm travelling alone with the two children to Lake Constance for a few days. Maya, my wife, takes me to the bus stop, looks at me urgently and says: «Fabian, don't forget your suitcase!» I nod dutifully, get on the bus with the children, then onto the train - and realise after a few minutes that I've left my suitcase on the bus.

A quick phone call later, my wife runs to the bus, which is just doing another lap, finds the suitcase and puts it on the next train to Zurich, where the children and I will pick it up later.

Not forgetting anything is particularly difficult when we can't establish a routine.

After the phone call, my son looks at me worriedly: «Dad, you're not really stupid. You think a lot, but never what you need to.» Hardly a week goes by without me leaving my mobile phone, rucksack, scarf, jacket or something else on the train, in a café or at work.

I would like to take this opportunity to say a big thank you to all the lovely people who make sure that my things almost always find their way back to me! My forgetfulness has been with me since I was a child. These situations almost always arise when I am somewhere else in my mind, thinking about a topic, daydreaming or engrossed in a conversation.

It's complicated

Dreamy children are always being asked: «Why are you so forgetful?» It leads nowhere. It would be better to think together: «What does it take for you to think of the right thing at the right moment?» If we take a closer look, «remembering» is a complex task that demands a lot from us.

Firstly, we need to realise that we are in a situation in which we need to think about something specific. Then, depending on the situation, we need to activate our goal or form an inner intention and prompt ourselves to take action. We must keep our focus on this task until it is completed and not allow ourselves to be distracted.

Dreamy children are always being asked: Why are you so forgetful?

Let's take the example of the gym bag, which is often forgotten. Let's ask ourselves the question: What does the child have to do to prevent this from happening? After breakfast at the latest, they have to remember: «Today is Tuesday, we have PE - I need my sports kit» and look for and pack the bag. Now the child will go into the corridor and put on their jacket and shoes. Here he/she must activate the information «I have to take my gym bag with me» again - get up and leave.

Our example child now gets on the school bus. As a child who likes to forget things, they must not let it out of their sight. Perhaps he thinks: «I mustn't put the gym bag under the seat, I'll keep it on my knees!» Another child sits down and starts a conversation: «Did you see Spiderman yesterday? So cool ...»

The bus stops, the child puts on the jacket and has to let go of the gym bag: At the right moment, they have to detach themselves from the conversation about Spiderman and check: «Have I got everything? Bag, gym bag, gloves?» He hasn't been awake for an hour yet and has already had to avoid a few dicey gym bag situations.

Train your thinking

It is particularly difficult not to forget anything if we cannot establish a routine. With the school bag, which the children have to take with them every day, automatisms develop. With scarves, gloves or gym bags, which we only have with us occasionally, this is less successful.

Two strategies help against forgetting: imagining and linking a situation with an action.

It helps forgetful children if they are reminded of tasks when the gym bag is hanging on the door latch or the school bag is in the way. You can point out such strategies to your child so that they can use them themselves over time: «Why don't you pack the gym bag for tomorrow and hang it on the door latch?» The following points cause problems for forgetful children:

1. Remembering an intention at the right moment.
2. Keeping the focus on an intention until it is fulfilled.
3. Not to be distracted by other stimuli.

To ensure that the child remembers their task at the right moment, it must have the character of a prompt. In the past, for example, I often left the laptop cable or mobile phone lying around after lectures.

This usually had to do with someone engaging me in conversation while I was packing up. My colleague Stefanie Rietzler taught me to «look back». Nowadays, when I leave the room after a seminar, I look back and check everything thoroughly.

The if-then plan

Two strategies that you can practise with your child have helped me here: imagining and so-called if-then plans. An if-then plan links a situation with an action: If situation x, then I do y. Whenever I want to leave the seminar room, I look back to see if I have taken everything with me.

This if-then plan is now practised in the imagination: I imagine several times how I finish a seminar, pack up, walk to the door - and then say to myself: Stop, look back! And, for example, discover the laptop cable still plugged into the power socket.

Forgetful children have difficulty remembering an intention and not being distracted by other stimuli.

In this example, the door becomes a signal that pulls me out of conversations or daydreams and reminds me of the action of «looking back». The mother described a similar process to a boy in coaching, describing the schoolroom door as a magic door that can only be opened with the help of a magic spell: The boy has to murmur the phrase «I've thought of everything, I've got everything» in his mind, check the entries in his homework book again and then step through the door.

A similar strategy consists of linking actions until they form a fixed sequence. As a child, I used this strategy to think about my gym bag or jacket: when tying my shoes, I gave myself the following instruction: «Tie shoes, stand up, turn around, take things off the hook». I practised this sequence several times at home in the dry until it felt natural.

Let's summarise: You can help your child if you find a situation or action with him that becomes a trigger («whenever I ...»), link an action to it (« ... then I do ...») and train this link with him (the doorbell rings, you pack up your things and think about ... you go to the door and look back again. You say to yourself: Whenever I come to the door, I look back to see if I have everything. Now you check again whether ...).

This method helps with all situations that occur frequently and for which you can prepare accordingly. There are also many exceptions where your child will forget things in the future - I wish you and your child a healthy dose of serenity for all these situations.