Father Bianca, how do you process a divorce?
Mr Bianca, you spent many years studying divorce rituals as part of your dissertation. What are the main findings of your research?
That a ritual helps to express something that you may not yet be 100 per cent ready to do internally.
For example?
When you thank your ex-partner in a divorce ritual for what was good in the relationship. Perhaps by simply saying to each other: «I thank you for everything you gave me» - and then going further by forgiving each other for what was difficult.
A ritual also helps you to grow into something, to surrender.
Can you explain this in more detail?
In today's individualised world, it is not easy for many people to know exactly what is right for them and to be immediately convinced of everything they do. With a ritual, this is not so much the case. Through a ritual, you can grow into something - forgiveness, for example - and once you're in it, you surrender as fully as possible and go with it.
Where does that show up?
The wedding vows, for example. The bride and groom are given a sentence: «Yes, I do.» And the husband and wife repeat it. This is a linguistic act, so you say something very consciously, in a special place, even if they are not words you have chosen yourself. This has a stronger effect, also on a spiritual level, than if you casually tell each other that you want to marry your partner.
What does this mean in terms of a divorce ritual?
Not only at a wedding, but also at a divorce, a ritual with certain linguistic and symbolic acts can help you to take the step into a new phase of life with clarity and strength; even if you have certain ambivalences within you, and many people experience this.
A divorce ritual can help to prevent anger from turning into bitterness.
Is the separation also processed in this way?
Not necessarily. A ritual can be part of the processing, for example as a supplement to the conversations that take place in therapy or with trusted people. If there is a lot of anger, for example, it can be helpful to perform a divorce ritual in which this anger is consciously expressed so that it does not turn into bitterness. For example, by putting the feelings on paper and then burning the text.
A divorce ritual can therefore be a helpful addition to a therapeutic or counselling service. I am convinced that in addition to the legal aspects of a divorce in court, the emotional and even the spiritual aspects can be better resolved through a ritual. This is particularly important for parents. It's about making it clear that although you are no longer a married couple, you are still parents.
Is it important for those affected to find out for themselves which divorce ritual could be helpful?
There are no prescribed divorce rituals in the Christian tradition. The ideal is still not to get divorced. On the other hand, every divorce is different for those affected. Therefore, an individual approach is essential. However, there are now many examples of divorce rituals around the world that can be used as a guide.
How do you actually proceed when a separated couple or an individual going through a divorce comes to you and wants to perform a ritual?
Then, first of all, the conversation plays a central role. I listen and ask questions to find out what their needs are and what kind of ritual they could imagine. I make sure that three criteria are met: Part of the ritual should consist of detaching from the marriage, i.e. letting go of the ex-partner. Secondly, there should be a transformation, a reinterpretation of what has happened. The positive aspects of the past relationship should also be seen and recognised. And finally, the third part is about being divorced as a new way of life. These three steps not only play a role in divorce rituals, but also in all other rites of passage.
If you don't do anything ritualistic, just clarify the legalities, you often remain emotionally connected in a negative way.
Why is this so important?
If, for example, only the third criterion is considered - i.e. the state of being single again - and this state is particularly celebrated, then the step of how to really let go of the ex-partner or see the positive in the ex-relationship is missing. However, by saying, for example, «I let you go, thank you and forgive you», you are also letting go of the promise you once made to each other when you got married.
Your research shows that not all couples involved can perform a divorce ritual together, but sometimes only one of them does it for themselves.
Yes, the women usually do it for themselves. Men are often still afraid that a ritual will be too much of a «feel me, feel me» experience. However, if men get involved in a ritual, they usually find it very positive. There are also more sober options, such as giving back the wedding rings. In other words: You put the ring on each other at the wedding, and it is given back to the other person when it is exchanged in the divorce ritual.
And what do you do with the other person's ring?
Depending on the situation, it might be best to melt it down. Then you are actually transforming something. The form changes, but the substance is not gone. However, if you don't do anything ritual, just clarify the legal aspects, you often remain emotionally connected in a negative way. This negativity can be dissolved through a divorce ritual. Precisely because you can remember the ritual in difficult situations that repeatedly catch up with you after a divorce has been finalised. The ritual is like a source of strength from which you can draw.
Can you give an example of a divorce ritual for parents?
In terms of the transition from marriage to parenthood, it should go in the following direction: The woman and the man say to each other: «I say goodbye to you as my spouse and say yes to you as the mother/father of our children.»
Nobody can divorce their children. How can this be ritually integrated?
Even in difficult marriages, children usually want their parents to stay together. As mum and dad, you can reassure them in a ritual, for example: «We have separated from each other, but not from you. Our love for you never ends.» And then the father or mother could symbolically give the child something. For example, a locket. This means that the marriage vows are cancelled, but the parental vows remain. Another variation would be for the ritual leader to say to the child: «You are not responsible for your parents' divorce. It's not your fault and you don't have to do anything about it. You remain a source of joy.»
A divorce ritual can be a relief for the children.
To what extent is a divorce ritual also a relief for the children?
It is the few clear words and symbols that have power and impact. The children realise that a ritual represents a special setting - such as Christmas or birthdays. And this then has a deeper meaning than if the parents simply tell the child en passant that they would like them to continue. Many children in divorce situations experience rejection and abandonment and suffer from feelings of guilt. That's why this relief is so important.
And what if the father or mother remarries?
The children should then be integrated into the celebrations. Ideally with a ritual as well. After all, the children from the previous relationship are an essential part of the new family. It is then not a couple's wedding, but actually a family wedding. This also gives children the opportunity to be given and assume a new position.
You said that in some cases only one parent, usually the mother and less often the father, performs the divorce ritual. What can he or she teach the child on their own?
Surely the following message: «You can go to mum, to dad. You can have her or him. You can have a good time with her or him.» This strengthens the child's basic trust in the continuation of parenthood. This is because many children in a divorce situation are insecure and suffer from the fact that the parents are in competition with each other, especially with regard to the children. Such a ritual also helps mothers or fathers themselves to speak less negatively about the other parent, especially towards the children.
What if a young person whose parents are separated comes to you and wants to do a ritual on their own - without their mum or dad?
There are actually examples of divorce rituals where the parents are present but the children are the centre of attention. They then describe what is on their minds and the parents listen. Afterwards, the parents go to the children, shake their hands and reassure them that they will continue to love them, even if they have separated as a couple. As a pastor, I have also been able to talk to individual young people on my own about their family situation. But when it comes to a divorce ritual, I am in favour of the parents being present, at least one of them.
A ritual often helps us to better accept what is.
Where do divorce rituals take place?
That is very individual. It can, but doesn't have to be in a church. Perhaps where you celebrated your wedding, or in nature, at a fork in the road, in the forest, by the water, on a hill. It should be a special, symbolic place. It could also be in the garden of the shared home, where family life took centre stage.
Does a divorce ritual also help when entering into a new relationship?
Yes, because the ex-relationship is more resolved. Without a ritual, you often delete the past marriage from your life. Or you take the opposite position and continue to believe that little would have been missing to stay together. Both prevent you from accepting your own life as it really is.
So is a ritual also helpful for reconciling with yourself?
Yes - that is a very important effect. Many people realise in retrospect that their choice of partner was often a bad one.
That sounds sobering ...
When you get married, you can't know how you will develop over the next 30 years. Many actually go in different directions. When a couple becomes a family, it often brings drastic changes at the couple level that not everyone can cope with. The woman changes through motherhood, the man takes on a different position. This is emotionally, spiritually and socially demanding. How a couple deals with such stress, including professional pressures, is crucial to whether they stay together or not.
What do couples who stay together do differently?
They have a common orientation, share core values and consciously cultivate their relationship as a couple. A basic similarity between the two is certainly favourable. I ask couples who want to get married to tell me three of each other's weaknesses. I include these in the wedding vows. So it's also about recognising and accepting each other's strengths and weaknesses.
