Family in transition
The family is seen as a mirror of society. The way in which mothers, fathers and children live together, the motives behind parenthood and the ideas associated with the concept of family: All of this reflects social change. Over the past two decades, our society has changed faster and more profoundly than ever before. What has this done to families? What opportunities and challenges does this present for parents, children and their relationships? In the here and now, but also with a view to the future?
More and more alternatives to the nuclear family
Mummy or mum - it makes a difference for 11-year-old Tobi: the girl is growing up with two mothers . «We want our family model not to be defined by the absence of a father, but to be self-sufficient: There are two parents who love their child and raise it,» say Tobi's mums Bettina and Fiona.
Felix, 11, and Cedric, 8, are growing up with their parents Regula and Thomas, but are not biologically related to their mum. The brothers come from an egg donation. Lynn, Léna, Léon and Léonor have had two homes since their parents divorced: four days a week they live with mum Karin, three with dad Marc.
By 2030, one in five households with children will be a single-parent family. The number of patchwork and rainbow families is also increasing.
The stories of these children are taken from the lives of families who have given our magazine an insight into their community on various occasions. They show that the traditional concept of the family is becoming less and less true to reality: Mother and father, living in marriage and raising children together - although this constellation is still the most common, it is on the decline, says Klaus Haberkern, sociologist at the University of Zurich and co-author of the OECD study «Families to 2030». «By 2030, even more people will be living in alternative forms to the nuclear family,» says Haberkern. «Partly as a result of a failed traditional family model, partly because it was the desired form from the outset.» The OECD assumes that single-parent families will make up a fifth of all Swiss households with children by 2030, and that the number of patchwork and rainbow families will also continue to rise.
Better relationship with the next generation
The new millennium is considered the age of individualism. Subjective convictions have replaced collective, seemingly universal values, gender stereotypes are crumbling and the influence of tradition is dwindling. Relationships between parents and children have also changed. «Today, parents have a completely different bond with their children,» says Jutta Ecarius, Professor of Educational Science at the University of Cologne.
The «command household» that was common in the days of authoritarian parenting has had its day, says Ecarius. The most important basis of parenting today is not discipline and subordination, but trust. «Accordingly, mothers and fathers are confidants, counsellors and companions for their children rather than traditional figures of respect,» says Ecarius. «Parenting today is understood as a communicative and counselling practice: parents raise their children in a loving, attentive and not rule-obsessed way.» Ecarius calls this parenting style a «negotiating household with a counselling character».
«Parents who want to be counsellors for their children are genuinely interested in their lives,» says Ecarius. This genuine interest is the basic prerequisite for children to allow their parents to share their inner lives at all. This seems to work well in today's families, as the Shell study shows. Since 1953, this study has examined the attitudes, values and social behaviour of young people aged 12 to 25. «Since 2002, the proportion of young people who have a positive relationship with their parents has been steadily increasing,» states the latest Shell study from 2019. «Four out of ten young people get on well with their parents, and half get along with them despite occasional differences of opinion.» Accordingly, young people are satisfied with their parents' parenting and even describe them as role models. As a result, around eight out of ten young people want to bring up their children in a similar or identical way to how they themselves were brought up.
The fear of losing love
Today, what used to be a working relationship is generally a product of love. It is not economic considerations but romantic ideals that make us enter into a partnership, and parenthood is no longer the result of the dictates of social expectations - it has become a freely chosen option.
However, this has also led to new dependencies, says educationalist Margrit Stamm: «The child project is increasingly associated with a desire for meaning and anchoring, a desire for happiness. Today, parents probably love their children more than ever before. The flip side of this coin is that they also demand this love from their children, whereas in the past it was «only» respect and obedience.» This is one of the reasons why mothers and fathers are under increasing pressure to do everything right.
Many parents struggle to cope with children's frustration.
Martina Schmid, Parents' emergency call
Little time, lots to do
For the vast majority of parents, getting it right means having a good relationship with their child, says child and adolescent psychotherapist Allan Guggenbühl. «And many parents are afraid that they will jeopardise this relationship by making clear statements. If the child refuses, they are paralysed.»
Martina Schmid, a counsellor at the Swiss Parent Helpline, also identifies uncertainty when dealing with children's resistance: «Parents often find it difficult to stand up for themselves and what is important to them. Many find it difficult to put up with children's frustration. They believe that a good relationship with the child means not getting into a serious conflict with them in the first place.» However, it is not only the fear of losing love that favours the tendency to shy away from conflict: «Many parents don't even realise that they are giving their children something valuable when they help them learn to endure frustration. But it's also a fact that mums and dads often don't have the time or energy to engage in dialogue.»
In fact, time has become a scarce commodity. «A scarce commodity for which more and more areas of life are competing,» says family researcher Dominik Schöbi from the University of Fribourg. «Greater demands on availability, flexibility and mobility at work, a stronger focus on performance at school, an ever-increasing range of leisure activities: all this takes time away from the family that cannot be replaced.» On the other hand, parenting tasks have not become fewer, but more varied, which sometimes presents mothers and fathers with a resource problem. Where family time is scarce, the demand to use it as «quality time» is also increasing. «This can create pressure,» says Schöbi.
But it is also the increasing variety of options that creates time pressure, says Basel-based child and adolescent psychiatrist Alain Di Gallo. «We have never had so many opportunities to shape our lives,» he says. «But the expectation is that we also utilise this abundance.» This applies not only to work and school, but also to leisure time, which even children have less and less room for idleness, idleness and unplanned hours and is overloaded with activities. «Being left to their own devices and without distractions is difficult for many children and young people today,» says Di Gallo. «They feel lonely because they are not used to boredom.» Di Gallo takes a critical view of this development, «because boredom,» he says, «not only harbours immense creative potential, but also much-needed opportunities for recreation».
Spoilt for choice
The multi-option society is a trump card of freedom, but it also offers little guidance. Not only does it make it more complicated to consider what we want, but also the big question: who am I? «Developing an identity is likely to be more challenging for young people today and in the future,» believes family researcher Schöbi. The variety of options increases the challenge of finding the right path for themselves.
Parents also have difficulties finding their bearings, especially when it comes to parenting. «Many mums and dads no longer want to bring up their children the way they themselves were brought up, while at the same time they lack role models for alternatives,» says Martina Schmid from Elternnotruf. «There is a lack of clarity when it comes to what constitutes good parenting.» However, the parent counsellor also finds encouraging words: «Society no longer clearly tells us what is right and wrong,» she says. «This is sometimes a challenge, but much more of an opportunity. It opens up opportunities for parents to think more openly about their own role. Because when it comes to parenting, the most important question is what is effective - and not right or wrong.»
«What should parents give their children for the future?»
We put this question to renowned parenting experts - and received some surprising answers.
"The future will be different than we think. The idea that we can prepare children by teaching them skills and knowledge is arrogant. Apart from love, however, we can give our children stories that have shaped our lives and reflect our experiences. Perhaps they will be able to do something with them later and derive an insight. What that will be is written in the stars. "
Allan Guggenbühl, child and adolescent psychotherapist, expert in conflict management and violence prevention, Zurich
Children are dependent on parents who accept their strengths and weaknesses.
Caroline Märki, family counsellor
«What seems obvious in the world of work is not clear to everyone when it comes to the role of parent: it has become more complex. Parenting is no longer a matter of common sense and intuition, and children need more than «just» security to be successful and happy later on. Simply imparting knowledge is not enough. What is important instead? My point is that we urgently need to update our knowledge with regard to this question instead of building on our own childhood experiences. Future-ready children need parents who rethink their role and educate themselves further.»
Katrin Aklin was head of the OPA Foundation for many years, which helps young people get back on track after dropping out of school or training. Today, she is responsible for the school concept.
"What children urgently need is a healthy sense of self-worth. And in a world characterised by constant change, they need a good sense of themselves: They need to know themselves well, know what they need and who they are, with all their strengths and weaknesses. To do this, children need parents who accept them for their strengths and weaknesses and accept them as they are, rather than telling them how they should ideally be. "
Caroline Märki, family counsellor and head of familylab.ch
"Love and diversity: A loving home as a secure basis for the necessary autonomy. A diverse environment in which curiosity and creativity can and may be lived out again and again. Appreciative recognition as a basis for self-confidence. Plenty of language and opportunities to use language themselves as the basis for differentiated communication."
Moritz Daum, Professor of Developmental Psychology, University of Zurich
A child needs to experience that they can make a difference.
Alain Di Gallo, paediatrician
«A child needs confidence in its development. Every child naturally enjoys learning. In order for them to retain this, parents need to adapt their requirements to their abilities, not the other way round. I would like parents to focus more on the circumstances of their child than on what is considered a desirable career path. A child needs to experience the ability to make a difference. A successful tent assembly at a scout camp, a home-made biscuit, a piece of school work that was worth the effort - it's the small experiences of success in everyday life that make them strong.»
Alain Di Gallo, Chief Physician and Director of the Clinic for Children and Adolescents, University Psychiatric Clinics Basel
«Parents should empower their children to make decisions, which seems to me to be one of the most important things in our multi-option society. Anyone who lets their offspring proceed according to the pleasure principle is probably not helping them much. Because deciding always means separating: I take one, I don't take the other. But the choice you've made has to be endured instead of throwing it overboard in favour of the next best option - otherwise you won't get anywhere in the long run.»
Philipp Ramming, child and adolescent psychologist
