Every child is unique

When my twin sons were born almost 21 years ago, they were a bit of an attraction. The first babies in my circle of friends came in pairs. To this day, many of my friends still talk about «the twins» and only a few ask about each of the brothers individually. I, on the other hand, have avoided the word «twins» since they were born and have never dressed them identically.

Apart from the fact that it would have been far too inconvenient for me to always wash all the clothes at the same time and put new clothes on both children just because one jumped in the puddle, it was important for me to perceive them as two brothers and not just as twins. They didn't make it difficult for me because they were both - despite their outward resemblance - very different in their nature.

One fell asleep well, the other only slept when I held his hands by the bed for hours. But the differences soon became clear during the day too: shortly after they had learnt to sit up, they played the wooden game where you have to put round and square shapes into the matching openings. One of my sons tried again and again, pondered, turned everything upside down and tried again: until he succeeded in the game and every shape fitted into the right hole. He was blissfully happy. The other tried unsuccessfully for 20 seconds, opened the whole wooden box without hesitation, stuffed all the shapes in and applauded himself, beaming with happiness at having mastered the challenge. I was happy for both of them.

«Everyone is good at something different»

At times like this, I see my parents as role models who never compared me and my three siblings with each other. My father's sentence: «Everyone is good at something different» sounds simple at first, but it has shaped me and left its mark. I never for a second saw myself in competition with my brother, who was two years younger than me and whose commendable school reports made my mediocre grades look even worse. He learnt Ancient Greek when I dropped Latin at the first opportunity. Nor did it bother me that he was a talented trumpet player and that my efforts to play the piano and flute failed miserably. While he rehearsed for jazz concerts, I lay on my bed and wrote stories. Or went out into nature with a friend to listen to R.E.M., look up at the sky and talk about boys. My parents didn't compare us siblings with each other and always gave us the feeling that we were just right for who we were. They gave us the message: you are unique.

My parents didn't compare us siblings with each other and always gave us the feeling that we were just right for who we were.

They also managed to do this with my younger twin siblings. My brother could read before he started school and soon skipped first grade, while my sister was still learning to write the alphabet. She, on the other hand, was more adventurous and took up her hobbies early and with enthusiasm. There was no competition between the two of them - and that has remained the case to this day. My parents supported us four children on the paths we chose, they always believed in us and trusted us. For a very long time, I thought that was normal because I didn't know any different. Until I had my own children and realised how difficult it is not to compare siblings with each other and to support each one in their own way.

Not all twins are the same

Perhaps this is a particular challenge with twins. I was advised to put them in different classes after primary school so that they could develop independently of each other. For me as a mum, this meant two parents' evenings, twice as many teachers, tests and homework. In the evenings, when I first had to quiz one son in biology and then the other in French, I declared myself crazy and thought that I really could have had it easier. Basically, however, I always knew that the decision was the best one for my children - because if one of them brought home an unsatisfactory grade, he could confidently grumble about the unfair test without his brother sitting next to him and showing off.

I wasn't tempted to automatically expect one child to do what the other does with ease. My three sons, who play football passionately, are always a symbol of this. Some of them were even placed in the same team, but each of them has a different talent on the pitch - and played in a different position. Recognising and accepting that is an art.

Parents control self-confidence

When parents measure siblings against each other and place expectations on them, they also set limits - because the children are deprived of the opportunity to pursue their own talents and interests without any worries. The phrase «Everyone is good at something different» also stands for a basic trust that parents have in their children. They are told that they are always good at something that is worth finding out. The statement emphasises the uniqueness of each person and gives children self-confidence. They realise that they are unique. One of a kind. The same applies to their sister or brother. Everyone has to discover their own talents for themselves - and anyone who has the chance to do so as a child can experience self-confidence and consider themselves lucky. To this day, I am grateful to my parents for always believing in me and teaching me that there are things I can do well - and that others don't have to be good at them. Who knows what would have become of me otherwise?