Education needs relationship

When parents notice that children are not developing as they would like or that they are misbehaving, many think it would be enough to ask someone to «fix» the children. They tend to overlook the fact that the children's behaviour might have something to do with them. But if you really want your child to change, you have to change yourself as an adult first and foremost - and that doesn't just mean introducing new methods or techniques, but you have to start working on yourself. However, I am quite confident about this: the number of parents who recognise this fact is growing considerably.

However, there is also a new group of young parents who are so preoccupied with earning money and who develop an abnormal ambition in this regard that they actually think they can buy their family happiness and health with money. They are prepared to pay large sums of money just to ensure that their child is well looked after somewhere, and if there are then problems, they want the «difficult» things to go as quickly as possible and will pay whatever it costs.

If you really want your child to change, you must first and foremost change as an adult.

My ambition is to perceive parents: to spend some time with them and then tell them what I observe and see coming towards them. What I always pay attention to is how I package my messages so that my words actually reach them and they recognise themselves in them. In order to initiate a process of change, it is essential not to judge the parents, not to make them feel bad and guilty. This achieves nothing except to make them feel exposed.

After I have shared my perceptions with the parents, I mention a few ways in which their family climate could change, and I make no secret of the fact that I may favour one of the options. They are then allowed to decide whether and how we continue to work, because the first crucial step is for them to get used to taking responsibility themselves.

In Danish, the word «educate» can be used to express two things: «educate» in the traditional sense of «correct, moderate», but also «educate» in the sense of «bring up», which means helping someone to grow up, «pulling» them into life. And I really like this second meaning of «educate».

Accompanying the development

I am by no means of the opinion that children should not be educated, but I do not mean that adults should constantly correct children, but that adults can guide them into life - and for this, parents need a lot of patience and openness! Parenting is not only constructive, it can also have a very destructive effect if it is viewed in a hierarchical sense: I, as the father, am on top and am always right! No relationship between adults and children can flourish in this way.

And if you want to change things, you need time. You have to be able to let things go. One example: When we, my wife and I, were astonished and appalled by our son's behaviour, we made it a habit to mark that day in red in the calendar. We then set a specific date and thought to ourselves: if he hasn't changed by then, then we have to do something.

And it was actually the case every time that something always changed - and intervention became superfluous. This has often proved successful for us: don't act immediately, let alone threaten or even punish, but wait and see. There is a saying in German that fits this well: Good things take time.

Both sides are «educated» in a mutual process

This is also noticeable in adults who are undergoing therapeutic treatment. Of course there are cases where a real change happens in a flash, but for most people the process takes up to fifteen years. And that's why I think it's absurd for parents to think that their children have to change immediately just because they want them to. Instead of «education» - a term that implies one-sidedness - we should find a terminology that immediately makes it clear and clearly indicates that it is a mutual process of influencing each other, that both sides who are interacting are being «educated».

Relationship is a good term in that it emphasises the equality between parents and children - which is what really matters - but I don't mean that the adults should hand over the leadership: Children are born with a lot of wisdom but very little experience, so they need adult guidance. Children who are not given this guidance are very unhappy, and they remain so as they grow older.

Children are born with a lot of wisdom but very little experience. They need guidance, otherwise they will be unhappy.

For example, I worked with people who grew up in a kibbutz. None of them were particularly happy. In the kibbutz, mothers and fathers are not allowed to take on the role of parents: The community does that. In Copenhagen, I once worked with a couple, both in their mid-30s, who wanted to thank me for years afterwards, and I didn't even know what for.

They told me that they both grew up in a kibbutz and were convinced that they couldn't be good parents, so they decided not to have children. After the therapeutic process, however, they made the decision and plucked up the courage to have some after all.

Children need guidance, but not the kind we have offered them so far. They need continuous guidance and not military supervision.

I lived in a commune with my first wife and my son until he was eight years old. And I'll never forget the day we moved out: My son was so happy, even though he had never complained until then.

There is no alternative to the family

In such a community, children have more people to talk to. But I don't know whether they develop faster. It's certainly very convenient for adults who don't want to take on responsibility, but neither a community nor a neighbour can replace what the family gives the child. There is no alternative to the family.

It is in the family that a child's inner stability develops - in other words, their self-esteem, that voice inside us that says: «Okay, the world is changing, people are changing too, but at least I know what I mean to myself!» If this is the case, we can look to the future with confidence and not be shocked anew every day, but surprised anew every day.

Many parents say they know their children and think: «I know them better than they know themselves, so I can patronise them.»

For example, if we live in a partnership, we can say to ourselves: «I'm curious to see who she is today!» This means being open. With this attitude, you invite everyone around you to open up and create an atmosphere in which everyone can develop freely - and that in turn is very important for children. Many parents claim to know their children, but all they mean by this is: «I know them better than they know themselves, so I can patronise them!» Basically, they only know their outer side, and even that consists of 80 per cent projections by the parents.

You certainly know a child well if you have lived with them for years. But to say that you know them completely is wrong. You know the way they behave towards you from family situations, you know their spontaneous reactions to certain things, but you don't know them in their entirety, that's impossible, and it would be presumptuous to claim this or give advice.

Parents can certainly be counsellors for their children, but not by putting themselves on a pedestal and saying: «You have to do this or that, because I know you! Nobody knows you as well as I do!» Wouldn't it be more appropriate to say: «Look, the way I know you, I don't think this or that suits you very well»? With a sentence like that, I have expressed that I have a personal relationship with my child and that I know them because of our relationship and not because I am above them. That doesn't correspond to the truth at all and must also seem totally impersonal to him, so he has no choice but to protest.