«Don't try to do everything for your daughter!»

A mother writes to Jesper Juul ...

My daughter Mia, 6, is a social, caring, open-minded and gentle girl with lots of friends. Nevertheless, I recently experienced something that gave me pause for thought. Mia was invited to the home of a girl called Laura. Laura and Mia are very good friends. Unbeknown to me, Laura's mum had also invited Sophie home. I realised straight away that this would be problematic. Mia and Laura wanted to play together, but Sophie wanted to have Laura to herself and was angry that Mia was there too.

Sophie boycotted all games together because of this, and eventually she managed it and played a game with Laura that they said was «only possible in pairs». On the way home, I tried to broach the subject with my daughter and asked if she felt left out today. She replied in the affirmative and burst into tears.

When children become victims of their parents' self-centred care, they experience what we call «taught helplessness».

Jesper Juul

Then I realised that I didn't have the words. What should I say to comfort her? I still remember situations like this from my own childhood. After this event, I tried to avoid meetings with three children and to encourage my daughter to make her own appointments. What can I do to help her deal with such situations in future and how can I prevent her from behaving like this towards other children?

Answer from Jesper Juul

Episodes like the one you described between the three friends are not uncommon. However, there is a big difference in dealing with a child who experiences this occasionally and a child who is almost always excluded from play.

If I understand you correctly, it doesn't happen to your daughter all the time. If this is true, your reaction was both relevant and helpful. You are helping Mia to find words for her pain and to categorise what she has experienced. That's all you can do.

There is nothing wrong with comforting, giving the child a kiss or a hug. But then you should control your own feelings so that it doesn't end up with the mother needing to be comforted and reassured. This happens quite often and the result is that the child decides to keep its pain a secret in order to protect its mother.

If anyone needs help, it's Sophie

For your daughter, this experience is one of many that will help her to develop as a human being. If anyone needs help, it is Sophie. But it requires a lot of closeness and sensitivity from the adults around her. You can say to her: "If you want to play alone with Laura, it's okay to ask.

It is not particularly wise to invest energy, emotion and responsibility in a hopeless attempt to give your children a happy, unproblematic and harmonious childhood.

Jesper Juul

You should ask both Laura and Mia, and if they say no, wait for another time when you're alone with Laura. You didn't know that, so I'll ask the other two for you now." In this way, the girl is given the opportunity to learn constructive social behaviour without being made to understand that she has done something wrong.

If Sophie is directly or indirectly made to feel that she is doing something wrong with her manipulative behaviour, her tendency to behave negatively or exclude others will increase, and many adults will find it difficult to follow this advice because they feel a moral dilemma and think it is wrong to choose one playmate over another. In my opinion, this is a problematic attitude, partly because it limits children's ability to choose who they want to be with.

Many centres have written and unwritten rules that put a lot of pressure on children to be social and play with everyone. No adult would be able to live with such rules. They force children to manipulate in secret - as was the case in your example.

When the children are ten years older, parents suddenly think that it is very important that the youngsters can sort out their acquaintances and friendships.

This is precisely part of the meaning of childhood: children are guided empathetically but unsentimentally through all the experiences that help them develop the wisdom, self-awareness and life skills that are so necessary from the age of eight to nine, not to mention puberty. Unfortunately, the trend has been going in the opposite direction for more than ten years.

Both parents and professionals try to protect children from life-changing experiences.

Jesper Juul

Both parents and professionals try to protect children from vital experiences. One mum recently protested against this viewpoint, saying, «Yes, but if my son is unwell, I'm unwell too!» I don't doubt it, but it's one of the many situations where parents need to fight their way out of the symbiosis and remember that this is really about two different people - my child and me.

If you don't manage this, empathy turns into sentimentality. And caring becomes more self-centred than is healthy for both. A mother recently wrote: «My 16-year-old daughter is dyslexic and has fallen in love with a boy of the same age who has ADHD and certain behavioural problems. What can I do to end the relationship, which is certainly bad for my daughter?»

The answer, of course, is: as little as possible. The more she does, the worse her own relationship with her daughter becomes. It's about their lives, their privacy.

And parents only have access there when - and if - they are invited. If the mother's theory that the romantic relationship is making her daughter unhappy is correct, it is her job as a mother to help her daughter get through it.

She doesn't have to change her attitude towards the boy, but she does have to live with the fact that her daughter is having her own painful and joyful experiences with the opposite sex.

It is not particularly wise to invest energy, emotion and responsibility in a hopeless attempt to give your children a happy, unproblematic and harmonious childhood. It is much better to help them develop the ability to be close, empathetic, appreciative and respectful, and thus qualify to be their children's confidant.

When children fall victim to the self-centred care of their parents, they suffer what we call «taught helplessness». Or they withdraw and become lonely." Jesper Juul's columns are produced in collaboration with familylab.ch

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