Does society influence the Internet or vice versa?

The most important facts in brief:

• Let's talk about politeness: Be friendly to each other online. Don't reciprocate the aggression of others.
• Let's talk about control: listening to feelings is okay. But the internet is not there to let off steam.
• Keep calm: You don't always have to react or respond to everything immediately.
• Opposition allowed: A Swiss study has shown that empathetic arguments are still the most effective means of combating hatred, racism and misogyny.

A story from real life: My daughter is furious with me. «You really can't do that,» she yells at me. For once, I didn't say anything wrong. But I did write it. On my desk, she has discovered the sheet with ten interview questions that I want to ask a literature expert. But there's only one word that catches my daughter's eye: Negro.

Once again she feels confirmed that her father is a heartless and unscrupulous racist who makes dishonourable remarks about ethnic groups. I could ignore her objection. But because I find it unbearable to be thought xenophobic by my own child, I explain the connection to her.

I patiently tell her about the debate currently smouldering in the children's literature industry: should terms such as Negro King from «Pippi Longstocking» be changed to a politically correct formulation or not? She could easily get into that now. Yes, it could even be a really good conversation. Instead, she doesn't listen to me at all. Her guilty verdict has long been finalised anyway.

Young people often express themselves forcefully and relentlessly

Somehow this «conversation» reminds me of the conversational culture on the internet. But it's not that easy to compare. Nevertheless, there are parallels: when children and young people express their political views or moral ideas in the family, they often do so with a hurricane-like force and relentlessness that brooks no contradiction.

They hardly listen to real arguments. Among other things, this has to do with the separation from us parents. Yesterday, we were still allowed to categorise and explain the most diverse events in the world to them - in puberty, they often see this as pure paternalism.

The Internet, on the other hand, is not known to be in puberty, although it may seem so because of its often know-it-all, presumptuous and merciless tone.

Anyone who responds to mere assertions on social media or in the comment columns of online news with real arguments or can even refute false claims will even experience a blue miracle: complete strangers very quickly become personal and extremely abusive towards other strangers. This has nothing to do with a healthy culture of debate.

It helps if we recognise our role as a role model and practise impulse control ourselves. Especially online. Children need a moral compass.

But who is actually influencing whom here: the internet influencing society or society influencing the internet? And what effect does it actually have on children and young people? But first things first.

For a long time, I was convinced that the internet was a mirror of society: whatever good, bad or repulsive things we found on it also existed in the real world. Nothing flows into the internet - I thought - that wouldn't also exist in reality: whether it was about positive things like kittens and seductive South Sea beaches or whether the negative side with scammers and sex offenders became visible.

No-one in Migros would bicker loudly just because there was a gap in the ravioli cans on the shelf.

I'm not so sure about that now. In the classic sense, a mirror is an exact reflection of what is right in front of it. When people present themselves online, it's usually to convey a certain image of themselves that doesn't necessarily correspond to reality.

That may still be harmless - but a much bigger problem is posed by those internet users who show their darker side much more uninhibitedly here than they would ever dare to do in face-to-face encounters.

When freedom of expression is perverted into hate speech

A father and owner of an online shop told me at a lecture that dissatisfied customers reacted very rudely. For example, if a product was out of stock, they would quickly say things like «What a sh...shop!».

By way of comparison: no one would rant loudly in Migros just because there was a gap in the ravioli cans on the shelf. Even parents who are peace-loving and soulful when pushing the pram in everyday life can become vicious furies online.

When it comes to the controversial topic of whether or not children should have mobile phones, the comments on Facebook read: «You'd better not have children» or: «I hope your genes die out with you». This is how freedom of expression is increasingly being perverted into intolerable and inhumane tirades.

Such comments do not remain on the net, but spill back into real life and influence society, which in turn penetrates the net and so on. It's like a perpetual motion machine. But it affects social interaction and eventually seeps into families.

Educate, be a role model, don't lecture: What parents can do

These mechanisms also affect children and young people, because it is about the world in which they grow up: online and offline. Of course, they are also quick to use bad language on WhatsApp and social media. Sometimes just for fun and often because they don't know any better and no one has taught them how to deal with it critically.

But what impact does it have on young people when they have to realise, for example, when it comes to coronavirus measures, that aggression and violence from the internet have long since arrived at demonstrations in real life? How can we educate them to become resilient and reflective people who can cope with the countless contradictions of the world and not break down as a result?

It's not easy, but it helps if we are more aware of our role model function and practise impulse control ourselves. Especially online. Children and young people need a moral compass to safely navigate the high waves of an angry society.

Values such as respect, honesty and composure help us to do this. Let's talk to our children about this in a quiet minute. If they realise that we don't want to lecture them, even I can do it with my daughter - if I don't slip out something stupid again.