Conversation instead of interrogation: How do I talk to my child?
Mrs Döpfner, when I ask my daughter at lunchtime how school was or how her exam went, I often hear just one word: «good». Why are children so monosyllabic?
This is usually due to parental behaviour. We often don't really engage with our children, don't give them our full attention and are distracted by phone calls or emails. What's more, we don't always communicate empathically; instead, our attempts at dialogue resemble interrogations: We are interested in certain factual information and steer the conversation accordingly. The result: the child feels under pressure and avoids the conversation. Why are you asking your daughter this question?
Because I'm actually interested in what the exam was like.
This is precisely why you should listen carefully to your child and pay attention to nuances. If they answer lightly: «Oh yes, the English work went great», there is probably no need to talk. However, if they say: «Well, I don't know either», it usually helps to follow up carefully. «You sound a bit disappointed - were you hoping for more?» In this way, you are addressing the overall impression that the child is giving. Which is more promising than: «How? Didn't you practise enough?» To do this, however, we need to be attentive and empathetic - only then will the child feel understood and be willing to talk.
And if it answers evasively?
Then it is best to say to the child without reproach in your voice: «I have the impression that you don't want to talk about it - can that be?» If the child feels understood, they may continue talking. If, on the other hand, we push them to talk, they often shut down completely.
What happens quickly in everyday life. When is it worth bringing up English work again?
Let the child arrive first, wait for a quiet moment and then try. Sometimes, however, parents have to accept that their child doesn't want to talk. It is important not to interpret this as a rejection of yourself, but to remain willing to talk.
You say that conversations can create closeness with little effort. What does it take?
Undivided attention is very important; once a day the focus should be on the child, without any distractions. We know that from ourselves: If someone lets their mobile phone ring and gives priority to talking to us, we feel valued. Ideally, parents should be open and curious.
What do you mean?
When I talk to my child, the focus should not be on the attitude «What do I want my child to be like?», but on an honest interest: «Who is this person actually?» Active listening is also helpful: if parents initially hold back with tips and judgements and repeat what they hear from their child, the child feels understood because they can steer the conversation in the direction that is important to them. Conversation rituals are also helpful. For example, when the «question of the day» is discussed over dinner: What was the funniest thing today? What annoyed you? Who did you help? Each family member takes it in turns to report back, including the parents. In this way, adults and children speak as equals at eye level, which is very stimulating for children because there is no interrogation, no top-down communication. It also creates closeness when children hear about their parents' day and not just the other way round.
«Our attempts at dialogue resemble interrogations: We are interested in certain information and steer the conversation accordingly.»
An exchange for which there is often no room in our densely organised everyday lives.
This makes it all the more important to create space for this. I also developed the «100 questions» in the appendix of my book for this purpose. Thinking together about «What makes a good friend?» or visualising «What would I like to be really good at?» creates closeness. In this way, you learn a lot more about each other than if you are only asked for factual information. This enriches both sides immensely.
Children typically want to talk about something important when there is actually no time for it. In the morning, when everyone is just leaving the house, for example.
That's true. Interestingly, however, it doesn't usually take that much time. The whole thing is more of a mental problem: we are too absorbed with all the items on our daily agenda to get involved and suddenly debate big questions about life and death.
That's why we usually choke off such conversations with «I don't know» or «We'll discuss it later».
Which for me are missed opportunities! But if we manage to pull ourselves out of the current stress and pause for a moment, it makes a big difference: we learn something from our child. Later on, the moment is usually gone and the child is no longer interested. Children live in the here and now.
Parents shouldn't judge or give advice, you say. But if my daughter has a fight with her best friend, I would like to give her some advice.
Of course you can - but not as a knee-jerk reaction. Otherwise you will deprive your daughter of the chance to develop her own solutions. If we parents always say «Do it this way!» or «Don't do that!», children can't experience themselves as competent. The important thing is not to impose our view on the child, but to listen first. Then the child can specify how they feel and will talk in much more detail because they realise: «I am understood!» For parents, it's strange at first to be so reserved with their own opinions and tips.
Many adults can't take a step back in a conversation either. Communication is very often a one-way street, people only send but don't receive.
That's actually the case. When we talk about something, the other person often doesn't go into it at all, but just says: «I once experienced something similar, it was like this...» and talks about themselves. But I was just talking about myself! A lot of people simply hijack conversations and there is no real dialogue that brings people closer together. This makes it all the more important for children to grow up in a good culture of dialogue in which they learn to send and receive when communicating.
It is often difficult to recognise feelings. If the seven-year-old is sulking, it doesn't help if you ask: «What's wrong with you?»
That also quickly sounds reproachful. That's why I prefer to try to sense: «You're unhappy right now, aren't you?» To which he might reply: «No, I'm angry!» This gives him the chance to name the feeling. It's up to us to help a child learn to talk about their feelings. I often deal with young people who can only say: «I'm not feeling well.» They are unable to define it any further because they have never practised talking about their feelings.
How can parents support their children in concrete terms?
Set an example, name your own feelings, talk about yourself. For example: «I'm not feeling well today, I'm so tired and stressed.» But also: «I had such a great experience today, I'm very happy!» Incidentally, studies show that mothers speak to daughters with much more emotion than they do to sons. As a result, girls have a head start when it comes to discussing feelings. The frequent reproach from women to men: «You don't talk about your feelings» is therefore to a certain extent socialisation. It is therefore all the more important that we try to talk about feelings with boys in the same way as with girls.
«It is important that children grow up in a culture of dialogue in which they learn to send and receive.»
Why is it so important for children to talk about themselves?
Because it helps them to understand and organise emotions and events in their lives. And because they create connection and closeness by sharing personal, good and also sad things. They reveal something about themselves and thus give the other person the opportunity to understand them. If children learn to talk about themselves and their feelings, they will also be more prepared to take an interest in the feelings of their fellow human beings.
When children reach puberty, parents often worry that they won't get enough from them.
During this time, young people withdraw, parents lose importance in favour of friends - this is a completely normal development. Parents should not see this as a rejection. Of course, teenagers who are gaining independence are no longer as predictable in family life, not even for daily conversations. This makes it all the more important for parents to signal their availability: «I'll be at home for the next hour or two; if you want to talk, have a cup of tea or go for a walk - come and see me.»
And if that doesn't work?
The most important thing is not to be offended if the offer is not accepted straight away. Instead, keep offering conversations and stay on the ball. Don't file it under: «He's not interested, let's leave it», otherwise the young person will think: «My parents aren't interested anyway», and a vicious circle will ensue. It is up to the parents to keep making offers for an exchange and to show a certain flexibility here. Puberty does not necessarily mean alienation between parents and child - parents and children can also experience closeness during this exciting time.
Read more about communication in the family:
- Self-test: Needs-orientated listening and talking
No more parental interrogations, instead open conversations and undivided attention! From today, we'll be talking about things that don't usually find a place in everyday life - a self-experiment in communication.
- In one ear and out the other?
Suddenly someone shouts and doors are slammed. Communication in the family is a tricky thing, especially as children sometimes switch off. Five examples from everyday life - and how you can do better.
- Put an end to rigid roles - listen!
Many parents resort to acting out with their children because they are afraid of losing the lead. According to Jesper Juul, empathy and genuine dialogue would also help them to set boundaries.