Children's funerals: When every detail counts

The hearse is not black, but silver - always lined inside in the deceased child's favourite colour. She does not carry the baby's body out of the basement exit of the pathology department, but places the small coffin in a cloth bag so that she can leave the hospital through the main entrance. «It's more dignified,» says the undertaker from Attiswil BE.

These last days in which the child's body is still there are deeply engraved in the parents' memories. It is therefore all the more important that the pictures become beautiful images. «Creating a culture of remembrance» is what Eva Finkam calls it. And this is precisely why it doesn't matter whether the candles on the child's coffin are yellow or light blue. Everything has to be such that the daughter would have liked it.

Parents only ever regret afterwards what they didn't do.

Eva Maria Finkam, undertaker

What parents need in these last days is very different, but all parents have one thing in common: «They always regret afterwards what they didn't do.» That's why Eva Finkam always offers parents the opportunity to be there and take on tasks - even if they reject everything at first. «Many parents initially don't have the confidence to anoint or dress their child's body themselves, or to lower the coffin themselves - but when the time comes, they often change their minds and want to take on these last acts of kindness,» says the funeral director.

This reaction is understandable: on the one hand, because dealing with the deceased is a taboo in our society. On the other hand, the situation is emotionally overwhelming: there are so many decisions to make and above all, there is the paralysing pain.

She wanted to touch and hold her dead daughter

Today, Dominique Dreier is visiting Eva Finkam. When the mother thinks about the days after her daughter's death and wants to talk about it, she has to concentrate hard. Some moments are very clear in her mind, but a lot of her memory is blurred by time. The day her nine-year-old Jade fell over in the meadow was nine months ago. Someone was with her immediately, held her and called the ambulance - no one had seen what had happened.

It later transpired that a horse had kicked Jade's stomach and hit her liver. A tragic accident - because Jade loved nothing more than being with these animals and knew how to handle them. Jade died that very evening in hospital. The moment the doctors broke the news to her mum? «I have no words for it,» says Dominique Dreier - and then finds them anyway. «When your child is born, it's the greatest possible physical pain, when you learn of their death, it's the greatest emotional pain.» The mother's cry closes a circle. Much too soon.

Dominique Dreier's instinct at that moment was clear: she just wanted to be with her daughter. To touch her, to hold her. But then she was suddenly told that she had to release her for the coroner. Holidays were coming up. «I had no idea when I would see Jade again,» says her mother. She is not talking about a corpse. She is talking about her daughter, who was taken away from her.

A few days later, she was able to see Jade again. «Important days with Jade had been taken away from me. I felt the need to be with her every minute, to feel her closeness and to touch her. I didn't want to leave her behind.»

Different needs than grandma's

«Families in which a young person or child dies have different needs than when a grandparent passes away peacefully at the age of 90 from a full life,» says Eva Finkam. That's why, after training as a funeral director, she trained as a family bereavement counsellor and set up her own business, Sternlicht Bestattungen. Today, she also offers further training on the subject of children's funerals. «An authentic, personalised funeral that suits the child's unique character is often the family's greatest wish,» she says.

When Eva Finkam organises the funeral, the children's coffins are often painted by family members. Sometimes they are littered with colourful, childish and cheerful toys and home-made items - just as the family sees fit. «There's no set rule for how a farewell should be - it just has to suit the family.»

The days before the funeral are precious and cannot be repeated. This is where a culture of remembrance is created.

Eva Maria Finkam, undertaker

Many families don't realise how much is possible and therefore stick to the usual process, says Finkam. Yet it is precisely during this period that the course is set for successful grieving. «These are precious, unrepeatable days.»

Jade Dreier's parents and siblings also had an incredible number of decisions to make in the days following her death. Should Jade come home again? Where could family, school and friends say goodbye? How should the last party for the nine-year-old be organised? Who would stay with her parents so that they would not be alone during these days? Dominique Dreier was glad that many decisions were taken away from her - that they were supported as parents from all sides. Because, of course, she had never thought about a possible funeral for her children.

Jade's parents had a very clear opinion on some topics: «We rejected all the classic terms,» says her mother. So the ceremony for Jade was not called a funeral or farewell, but a celebration of life. It didn't take place in a cemetery, but outside, in the same place where Jade was baptised. People collected stones, flowers and wood on the way there and laid mandalas.

Jade's school friends released balloons. The celebration should be like Jade: full of radiance and connected with nature. At this celebration, the Dreier couple also placed their parents' urgent request to all friends and acquaintances and the village community: «Talk to us about what has happened. Our doors are open and we are ready.»

Eva Finkam nods. She recognises the shyness and awkwardness that many people feel when dealing with grieving parents. «They're afraid of saying the wrong thing and that's why they act as if everything is fine.» «Yes!» Dominique Dreier confirms. A casual «Are you OK?» is hurtful. «Of course I'm not fine! We have to completely rediscover ourselves. Words like joie de vivre or moments of happiness need to be redefined. What does good mean to us now?»

Many people are afraid of opening wounds when they talk to us about jade. But that's not possible. Because she is always present for us.

Dominique Dreier, mother of Jade

Dominique Dreier says that many people are afraid of opening wounds when they talk about jade. «But that's not even possible. Because Jade is always present for us. We will always be ready to talk about our beloved daughter.»

On the other hand, she is very touched to hear that Jade has a place in many hearts. That the children have created a desk for Jade in the classroom and make a pilgrimage to her memorial. «Nothing can really ease the pain, but the sympathy makes us feel supported.» For the Dreier family, it was clear from the outset that they would also seek professional help - for example from a counsellor and grief counselling.

They also sought dialogue with other parents who have lost a child through the Jasmina Soraya Foundation. «We are supported by many people who always give us security and confidence. They encourage us, help us to recognise positive moments and find ourselves as a family again. Because nothing feels the same anymore,» says Dominique Dreier.

How to talk to grieving parents - ideas from Domique Dreier

Their own rituals also contribute to healing. The family lights candles on the chest with Jade's urn every morning and says goodnight words in Jade's room every evening.

If the death of a child does not come suddenly, but is preceded by an illness, parents and children have a chance to prepare for the last days - Eva Finkam also accompanies such cases. In her funeral parlour, she picks up a particularly beautifully designed urn, a custom-made one for a girl with cancer. She had asked for an urn with a butterfly that looks as if it is taking off and landing at the same time. «It is this very special wisdom of children who will soon die that often touches me deeply in my profession,» says the funeral director.

For the interview with ElternMagazin and the funeral director, mum Dominique Dreier has brought along the main person in question: her deceased daughter Jade Pearl - in a pearl-shaped urn with a chain from which hangs a heart made of jade stone. The undertaker improvises as soon as she sees the urn and sets up a small altar for her on a chair, decorated with a star cloth and candles. Just the little details.

How do you talk to parents who have lost a child?

The suggestions come from Dominique Dreier, who lost her nine-year-old daughter Jade in an accident. She speaks primarily from her own experience and wants to help other parents in a similar situation.

The following reactions are good for us:

• «We feel for you, we are so sorry.»
• «Jade will always have a place in our hearts.»
• «How are you doing today?»
• «How can we stand by you / support you?»
• Concrete suggestions for support (e.g. cooking, transport services ...) are helpful.
• Proactive contact - don't wait for us to get in touch.
• Talk to us about our child - because she will always be a part of us.
• «We're thinking of you.»

Such «advice» and words are inappropriate and painful for us:

• «Life goes on.» (Time stands still for us.)
• «Time heals all wounds.» (This wound does not heal. We have to learn to live with the wound.)
• «Are you all right?» / «Everything okay?»
• «You have to be strong for your children.»
• «You still have two children.»