«Children should learn to be alone at school»

When are children lonely and when is being alone really good? Can loneliness even be inherited? Mediator Cordula Reimann has interviewed more than 150 people from different cultures on the subject of being alone and loneliness. You can see her most impressive statements here as a picture gallery, and you can read the whole interview below:

We reach Cordula Reimann in a holiday home on Lake Maggiore via Zoom. She is currently restoring the house with her husband, she explains, and also that she is fulfilling a long-cherished dream of a retreat in the countryside. Here, the mediator can enjoy being alone. Reimann is fascinated by the feeling of loneliness and, above all, the taboo surrounding it - she has interviewed more than 150 people from different cultures about this.

Mrs Reimann, since the start of the pandemic, children and young people have often been alone. Has the feeling of loneliness increased in this age group?

This has been exacerbated by lockdowns, quarantine and contact restrictions. But even before coronavirus, loneliness was generally on the rise - almost everywhere. As early as 2017, around half of young people in Switzerland said that they often or sometimes felt lonely. The fact that this proportion increased with the stressful coronavirus situation is also suggested by studies that show that the number of mental health problems among young people is rising rapidly - for example, depression, anxiety disorders and eating disorders. Especially among young people from broken homes with cramped living conditions and low socio-economic status.

But being alone does not automatically lead to loneliness. In the book «The Aloneness-Loneliness Paradox», you describe conscious aloneness as a good remedy against loneliness, as a valuable resource.

We develop important qualities when we are alone. The German-American philosopher Hannah Arendt said: "Thinking takes place when we are alone. So it is only when we are alone that the inner dialogue arises in which we process what we experience.

Children who have learnt to be alone develop better social skills.

The ability to think is an important resource in our society. At the same time, it has been shown that children who have learnt to be alone develop better social skills. These children are more sociable and happier adults later on. I think we should also learn how to deal with being alone and loneliness at school and kindergarten. Just like there is now a movement to learn mindfulness.

Wouldn't that be more of a task for the parents?

Parents are rarely alone with themselves. They sit in front of their computer or mobile phone - so they are entertained or in contact with others. Many have not learnt to be alone themselves and are therefore not good role models.

Is there another way?

Of course. When children see their parents picking up a book or doing yoga, it's a different role model. Parents also help their children when they reduce the number of stimuli. Do children really need another teddy bear and another game to keep them entertained?

It's not about entertaining children all the time, but about giving them space in which they can curiously explore their own worlds.

For my book, I interviewed a friend who deliberately gave her children very few toys. Only very simple objects such as a handkerchief. Her son was able to make handkerchief artworks at the age of five and seemed very relaxed with himself.

Where was the mother in the meantime?

In the next room. She didn't keep the child occupied, but would have been there if the child had needed her. Numerous studies show this: Adults who experienced their carer being emotionally present as a child are better able to be alone. The boy I was talking about is now 15 and says: «I never felt lonely, I always knew where my mum was.» It's not about entertaining children all the time, but giving them space in which they can curiously explore their own worlds.

2 How do I recognise that my child feels lonely?

You mentioned the rise in mental illnesses as an indication of a growing feeling of loneliness. How are these two factors connected?

In a recent Unicef study, 89 per cent of young people surveyed stated that they had experienced potentially traumatic childhood experiences, from deprivation of love to bullying and sexualised violence. At the same time, only three per cent turned to specialists for help. These figures are alarming because they show that many people are alone with their problems: Many people are alone with their problems.

And feel lonely as a result?

In very simple terms, trauma means nothing other than: I don't know how to cope with an event. As a result, I am constantly stressed and in a kind of fight or flight mode. If there is no one there to reassure you, if you have the feeling that you have to go through it all alone, it creates a feeling of loneliness.

At the same time, loneliness can also be the consequence of a trauma: I no longer trust anyone and don't let anyone get close to me. I withdraw into myself. This can be a good coping strategy at the time - but it can also lead to loneliness.

Do social networks make you lonely?

That depends on how children use social media. Do I need it to meet up with friends, chat and stay in touch? Or do I feel like I have to be online 24/7 to put myself on the map?

For someone who falls into such a bubble, social media can make them feel lonely. Especially if there is no balance, no physical encounters. At the same time, social media is the gateway to the world for many young people during the pandemic with contact restrictions. They also help to overcome the feeling of loneliness. So the connection is complex.

Screen time among young people in Switzerland increased by two hours a day during the first lockdown. What is the danger?

It doesn't take much imagination to understand that young people who are alone and perhaps scared are looking for something online that nurtures them and gives them a sense of connection.

Statements like «It will pass» are well-intentioned, but they do harm. Because it takes courage to say that you feel lonely.

Certain Telegram channels also satisfy the need for simple answers. This is a great danger, especially if young people are left alone with it. When parents are busy with themselves, children try to get through the crisis on their own. Channels have an easy time of it if they promise connection and simple answers.

How do I recognise that my child is feeling lonely and therefore perhaps also in danger of seeking connection in the wrong places?

For example, when a child who was previously very present suddenly always seems to be somewhere else in their thoughts. Or when children no longer seek contact with other children or their parents. Of course, it is also a clear sign if the child talks about feeling alone or sad.

3. how parents should react to loneliness

How should parents react?

Firstly, what you should never do is play down the feeling. Phrases like «Oh, it'll pass» are well-intentioned, but they do harm. Because it takes courage to say or show that you feel alone and not seen.

It is important that parents consciously reconnect and make offers for joint activities. At the same time, it is also important not to dramatise the situation and make an appointment with a psychologist straight away.

I see the children's statements that they feel alone as a wake-up call for the parents, showing them that they can devote more time to their child: I can devote more time to my child again. You could also suggest to the child that they invite friends round. However, it is important to first understand why the child feels lonely.

What are typical reasons?

One reason may be, for example, that a child is different. If they are more sensitive than others or have a different sexual orientation than most of their classmates, this often leads to a feeling of loneliness. It doesn't help children when parents suggest inviting friends over; they should rather ask what might be good for the child. And encourage them to go their own way.

Connecting, being present to feel what the child needs - this is what helps a child to feel better. Talking to the child about their own loneliness can also be an ice-breaker: How do parents experience feelings of loneliness?

Are children and young people lonely in a different way to adults?

We don't know exactly. In any case, children and young people face the additional difficulty that they often lack the terminology to talk about loneliness. Loneliness is initially nothing more than the discrepancy between the closeness desired and the closeness experienced: I want closeness and I don't get it.

Many young people didn't talk about loneliness, they said things like «No one sees me», «I'm different» or «I don't belong».

However, in order to recognise this, you have to take a long hard look at yourself. In my interviews, children and young people didn't talk about loneliness, but rather said things like «nobody sees me», «I don't belong», «nobody understands me», «I'm different» or «I'm ignored». I was very impressed by one 17-year-old girl when she said: «Now that I know what it is, I can deal with it. I can read about it and solve it.»

How do I get in touch with my child if I sense that they feel left alone but don't want to talk to me as a parent about it?

Growing up also means that parents will «get on your nerves» at some point. And yet it is important for children to know that they are always there for them. If the parents are not the right people to talk to at the moment, there may be someone in the family or circle of friends who is less «annoying». An aunt who has a good relationship with the children, for example.

I am currently also looking into the possibility of introducing «loneliness guides» in Switzerland. These would be trained young people of the same age - similar to the conflict guides at schools - with whom you can seek dialogue. With as low an inhibition threshold as possible. It helps so much if there is someone there who simply listens and then perhaps says: «Yes, I know that - and the following helped me ...»

And if all offers of dialogue are rejected?

Another option could be to encourage the child in hobbies and things that are good for them. If a child likes to read, you could give them a book; a sporty child might be motivated to exercise. Of course, this assumes that you still have enough energy to find out what the child needs.

Parents are often overwhelmed by their own loneliness - especially in the pandemic situation.

The Pro Juventute Corona Report clearly shows that the better parents can cope with stress and the more resilient they are, the better off their children will be. Parents should therefore also dare to socialise - with friends or family members, for example. Feeling lonely is actually something natural - unfortunately, we just don't deal with it naturally. When we talk about it, we take the drama out of the feeling and turn loneliness into something human that comes and goes.

4 The risks of chronic loneliness

And what if loneliness becomes a permanent condition?

Then we talk about chronic loneliness or isolation - you feel permanently alone and may objectively have no or very few social contacts. This also has health consequences - chronic loneliness is about as dangerous for the body as obesity or smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

An unhealthy way of dealing with feelings of loneliness can be passed on. If the child sees the mother crying but doesn't talk about it, this leaves its mark.

Chronic loneliness is also always associated with mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety disorders. The risk of premature death increases by 20 per cent. Professional help is very often needed here.

Is loneliness inherited?

The processing or non-processing of trauma and an unhealthy way of dealing with feelings of loneliness can be passed on. When I learn as a child that my mum sits in the corner and cries, but doesn't talk about what's bothering her, it shapes me. At the same time, I don't get the attention that I crave as a child. So as a child, I already feel my own loneliness, but I don't learn how to cope with it at home.

We know from studies among Holocaust survivors that loneliness can be passed on: A study in Israel showed that people who felt particularly lonely during the coronavirus lockdown often also had grandparents who were lonely due to traumatic Holocaust experiences.

This makes it all the more important to come to terms with your own traumas.

Exactly. Studies on transgenerational trauma show that the risk of passing on our own traumas is high if we don't deal with them. Epigenetics also shows that this even has an influence on gene activation. If I don't deal with my psychological problems, my children and my children's children will have to deal with them.