Children should learn everything about death

I am married and the mother of three children. My daughters are fifteen and five years old, my son is nine. Two years ago, my mum was terminally ill with cancer. I have a good relationship with her. We often travelled together and stay in regular contact. My mum's illness has had a huge impact on our whole family life.

I'm tired and often out of balance. And it's difficult for me to be in contact with our children. I can feel how the children are suffering too, but I can't respond to their needs. The grandmother misses her grandchildren, but is unsure whether she can cope with their visits. She usually cancels them.

How much should the children be involved in their grandmother's death?

The children talk a lot about their grandmother and also talk to her. They also ask her if she is in pain and how she is doing. The eldest has realised that her grandmother will no longer be an active part of her life. The boy, however, wants to know exactly what is going on. He asks, for example, whether his grandmother is going to die soon. He has nightmares and talks openly about his fear of dying. He is worried about us, about his grandmother's pain and imagines death to be very dark.

My mum has recently been admitted to a hospice. My husband and I are not sure whether we should take our children there. What should the farewell be like? How much should the children be involved in their grandmother's death? And above all, how should we parents deal with our grief and that of our children?

Answer from Jesper Juul:

Unfortunately, death is generally not recognised as an inevitable fact. It often doesn't fit into our busy and planned lives. Yet it is an important part of our lives. Children should be allowed to learn all about death so that they can relate to it as a fact of life. This gives their lives a new perspective and gives them a deeper understanding of reality. It seems that your son is leading the way. The first philosophical discussions about death begin around the age of six. At the age of nine, your son perceives his grandmother's impending death as real. His reactions are healthy and normal.

Preparing children for the death of a loved one

As parents, you therefore do not need to protect him from these experiences. Over the next two or three years, he will need support until his thoughts and emotions have become an integral part of his existence. This way, he will be well prepared for the next situation in which he is confronted with a serious illness or death. This helps him to understand that he too will die one day. This will enrich his life enormously. It also strengthens his empathy and helps him to relate to the death of his parents when the time comes.

Hospice staff have a lot of experience in helping people say goodbye to their loved ones. There are various possibilities. This requires an invitation for everyone to express their feelings and thoughts. In times of grief and tears, you can tell your children about the most beautiful and formative moments with your mother, about crises and enrichments. Then the father can also talk about his experiences with his mother-in-law. And then it's the children's turn. If they find it too difficult to say goodbye to her in person, they could write a letter that their mother reads to their grandmother.

Young children experience grief in phases

Young children prefer to draw something that symbolises their fond memories or their sadness. When the grandmother dies, it is important for the family to gather and share all the memories and, above all, to talk about what will happen at the funeral. In the months that follow, it is important to keep your grandmother «alive» in the family. When you think of your mum, you can share your thoughts with your children. This may encourage your children to talk about their feelings too.

The grieving process of children differs from that of adults, who often experience a long period of sadness and grief. Children, on the other hand, experience grief in phases. One moment they are playing football, chatting or arguing, the next moment they are in the middle of the grieving process.

If parents hide their feelings, children also distance themselves from their own feelings.

Jesper Juul

The sadness comes out of nowhere and stays for a few minutes, an hour or longer. The fifteen-year-old daughter, like many of her peers, finds herself on the one hand in her superficial world and on the other in deep, essential contemplations. In her superficial world, make-up and going out are important. Seen from this world, she will not like her grandmother's doomed face. This feeling is not unlike her parents' sex life - it makes her uncomfortable.

The other side is filled with existential thoughts. Focus your attention on these emotions and talk to her about them if possible: How you as a mother experienced your mother, which woman and mother she was. This will allow your daughter to compare how she feels about the two women. This will help her to get to know herself better and find out who she is and what makes her tick.

We tend to distance ourselves from death and ageing

It also strengthens the mother-daughter relationship as you learn to respect each other as individuals and cope better with the fact that the daughter will soon be leaving home. It can also help you in your relationship with your husband if you have similar conversations with him. Because he also needs an update on your emotional situation.

Unfortunately, these conversations hardly ever take place any more. We tend to distance ourselves from death and ageing. We also tend to work through these emotions alone or with a psychologist. As a result, the family loses its usefulness as a place for challenging feelings and thoughts. That's a shame, because it harbours potential for rebirth and growth, both personally and as a family.

Sadness is a necessary part of life, the inseparable twin of happiness.

Jesper Juul

It is important for parents not to hide their sadness. Sadness is a necessary part of life, the inseparable twin of happiness, so to speak. As parents, it is even more important to be a role model for your children. If we as parents hide our essential feelings from our children, we run the risk of our children distancing themselves from their feelings. This would have the consequence of diminishing the quality of their lives as children and later as adults.

Children are simply romantics. They want their parents to be happy - alone and together. It is therefore extremely important that parents allow their children to share their range of emotions repeatedly and continuously. In this way, children acquire the life skills that are important to them.