Children of divorce: How can a good separation be achieved?

There was a time when parental divorce was blamed for almost everything that could go wrong in children's lives: mental disorders, substance abuse, delinquency and much more. The fact that even some academics advocated this «broken home» approach was a scapegoat for conservative opponents of divorce.

Today we know that children do not suffer from the separation itself, but often from its consequences. Research into the consequences of divorce has analysed the correlations well: The direct consequences of a separation include conflicts between the parents, the loss of one parent, the mental state of the parent raising the child and a possible «economic decline».

Almost all negative consequences of a separation can be positively controlled by the parents' behaviour.

But hardly any mother or father wants their child to suffer from the separation of their parents. But how do you manage that? For this dossier, we asked affected families and experts what is important.

The vast majority of divorces are peaceful

The good news first: almost all of the negative consequences of separation mentioned above can be positively controlled by the parents' behaviour. This in turn means nothing other than: A separation in which the children get off lightly can be achieved.

The fact that the divorce rate has risen from 15 per cent in 1970 to around 40 per cent today sounds to many like the end of the «family» model. However, it should not be forgotten that there are many «good divorces» among them: In around 85 per cent of all cases, the parents manage to dissolve the relationship but maintain the family in a new form.

Many conflicts arise at the couple level, but are dealt with at the parent level.

Danielle Estermann, Swiss Association of Single Mothers and Fathers (SVAMV)

Nevertheless, a separation is a major challenge for parents - precisely because they themselves are in an exceptional emotional situation. Many parents find it particularly difficult not to transfer their own conflicts onto the child.

Separate couple and parent level

The advice most often heard from experts is therefore: Separate your role as a partner from your role as a mother or father and you will be fine.

«Many conflicts arise at the couple level, but are dealt with at the parent level,» says Danielle Estermann from the Swiss Association of Single Mothers and Fathers (SVAMV). And Oliver Hunziker from the Association for Parental Responsibility (VeV) clarifies: «If you manage to recognise that you find your own partner impossible, but that your son loves him, then you're on the right track.»

In a nutshell: children should not be involved in their parents' arguments. That sounds simple, but of course it's not. Because if there is a separation, the parents often fight over the children - no matter how hard they try to prevent it. Firstly, because nobody wants to lose the children. And secondly, because separation proceedings are always about child maintenance.

Mahalia Kelz trennte sich nach elf Jahren von ihrem Mann. «Was meine Söhne und ich danach durchmachen mussten, wünsche ich keiner Familie.»

Oliver Hunziker finds simpler words for this: «Children also mean money.» The system of our legal system is not very favourable. A divorce always has to go to court. This usually requires lawyers. And they are there to represent the interests of a single person.

So we are literally being set up for a tug-of-war in which everyone wants to assert their own interests. «The job of the courts is to find out who is right,» says Hunziker. A good divorce, especially when children are involved, requires pragmatic co-operation: Communication, compromise, approaching each other.

When authorities have to decide on the «best interests of the child»

The example of Roland Keller* and his sons Tim*, 16, and Manuel*, 14, shows what can happen when parents are unwilling to cooperate and the authorities have to decide on the «best interests of the child» (*Names have been changed by the editors).

If you ask Roland Keller whether he has been able to celebrate Christmas with his children in recent years, he has to look through his files. There are folders with countless documents on the table. Keller has also brought printed text messages from his children to the meeting to prove that his sons like him. Or perhaps more likely: that he is in the right.

The relationship with the children is much worse than before. A lot has been broken.

Roland Keller, father

On the shelf at home are another six federal files filled with court documents, correspondence with counsellors and lawyers, minutes from the KESB and the police. Keller pulls out a file and says: «Ah, here, the holiday regulations: In even calendar weeks, the children are with me at New Year and Easter.» And Christmas? «We went to a pizzeria, but after two hours the younger one wanted to go home again.»

No winners

Roland Keller has spent two years of his life arguing with the authorities. «I no longer had a life of my own,» he says. Keller and his ex-wife have been living separately since 2010, but it wasn't until 2015 that incidents occurred that can be interpreted as either excessive educational demands or domestic violence, depending on who you believe.

Keller says that his children were just bickering and that he wanted to take action, but it came to a harmless tussle. His wife, however, filed a complaint. The proceedings were later discontinued. As an immediate measure, however, the KESB suspended Keller's visiting rights. The father fought back and a spiteful exchange of blows ensued. For a while, Keller's children spoke more often with counsellors and police officers than with their own father.

In the end, Keller was successful before the Zurich High Court - the KESB had wrongly stopped the visits, according to the judgement. Since then, Keller has been allowed to see his sons again. However, as the father lives 45 minutes away by car, this only happens every other weekend. He waits outside in the car for the handover and is not allowed in the stairwell. Keller doesn't see himself as a winner. «The relationship with the children is much worse than before. A lot has been broken in these two years.»

Children need both parents

The conflicts between the parents are likely to be one of the biggest obstacles on the way to a «good separation» for the children. It has also been proven that cutting off contact with one parent - in reality usually the father - has a negative effect on the child's well-being. The scientific findings are clear: children need both parents.

It is interesting to note that children do not miss the person as such, but rather the needs and experiences associated with the person. Theoretically, another attachment figure can also take on the role of the absent father or mother - a finding that should be of particular interest to patchwork families.

In principle, however, the parents should have an interest in not losing contact with either parent. The decisive factor here is the custody arrangement: where does the child live, how often does it see the other parent?

Three forms of living are common: the most common is still the so-called residence model. The children live with one parent - usually the mother - and visit the other parent at home and spend part of their holidays with them. In the (rare) nest model, the children stay in the same home and the parents take turns looking after the children.

Three models of childcare

The third model is currently the subject of much discussion in politics and the media: alternating custody (also known as the alternating model). The children live alternately with both parents - at least 30 per cent of the time. Since 2017, Swiss courts have been reviewing alternating custody if the children or one parent request it - in other words, even if one partner opposes it. However, in practice, judges have so far been very reluctant to order this model against the wishes of one parent.

Experts such as the German family law professor Hildegund Sünderhauf consider alternating custody to be ideal for children because it enables regular contact with both parents without the need to maintain a joint household as in the nest model (which requires an extremely high level of cooperation). Parents' organisations are even calling for alternating custody to become the norm in Switzerland.

However, critics criticise that this is unrealistic. A study commissioned by the federal government from the University of Lausanne comes to the following conclusion: «The prevailing social conditions in Switzerland make the general introduction of alternating custody impossible.» In other words, how is it possible for a law to force separated couples to live an egalitarian model when not even cohabiting couples can manage this?

After a separation, the Lausanne researchers argue that it is up to the financially better-off to afford a second large family home in the neighbourhood and to set up flexible working hours that allow for equal childcare.

Alternating care that works

The example of Karin and Marc Benninger from the canton of Fribourg shows that alternating custody can work if the conditions are right. When they decided to separate, they were travelling the world with their four children for six months. Since then, they have shared the care of Lynn, 17, Léon, 13, Léna, 12, and Léonor, 7. The children spend four days a week with their mother and three with their father.

It wasn't a completely harmonious separation, says mum Karin, «but it was clear to both of us that we had to jump over our shadows. The children were already suffering enough from the separation.» They informed the children of the decision while they were still travelling around the world.

The most important and most difficult thing at the same time is to remain united.

Karin Benninger

They were relieved. «They realised that something was wrong, but didn't know what was going on.» Marc Benninger says that not everyone coped with the separation without problems. One child had increased sleeping problems, another was angry with the mother who had announced the separation.

The aim is to work with and not against each other

Two years later, the family is heading for calmer waters. The parents try to talk to each other, about things at school or about how to talk to the children about the new situation. «The most important and most difficult thing at the same time is to remain united,» says Karin Benninger.

By this she means not putting your partner down in front of the children, not trying to outdo the other with a better children's programme. And that you pull together so that the children don't play their parents off against each other.

Not that, not this, not that: For many parents who find themselves in an emotionally stressful separation situation, this can seem like a mockery. Karin Benninger knows this too: «It's not always possible at the beginning. But it should be the goal. And with time, you will succeed.»

It also helped the Benninger family that the parents had already split the upbringing of the children before the separation, as Karin Benninger says. «We both have relatively flexible working hours.» Another key point was that the children were able to stay in their familiar (school) environment.

After the separation, mother Karin moved to the neighbouring village, which is only a five-minute drive away. This also offers advantages for the parents: «If something is forgotten, you can quickly go and get it.»

Parents process a separation very individually

One finding from research into the consequences of divorce that should not be ignored is that children suffer when their parents are unwell. For this reason, parents should also look after their own well-being - and develop strategies for dealing with a separation. Marc Benninger, the father of Lynn, Léon, Léna and Léonor, has been meditating for 15 minutes a day for years. «It has helped me enormously to accept the separation and find peace.» One of the most important things is to look for the fault in yourself and not in the other person, says Benninger.

Divorce rituals can help you come to terms with a separation.

Andrea Marco Bianca, Pastor

How parents deal with a separation is very individual. Some, like Marc Benninger, do it for themselves, others talk to friends, while others seek professional help from psychologists or mediators.

Andrea Marco Bianca, a reformed pastor from Küsnacht, suggests another way of coming to terms with a separation. And one that is particularly suitable for children: Bianca advises performing so-called divorce rituals . These are symbolic acts in which the marriage vows are cancelled and the parental vows are reformulated.

For example, you meet in a meaningful place - in a church, in the forest, on a mountain - and hold a short ceremony. The ritual can be anything from a simple handshake or a toast with a glass of Prosecco in your own home to a large ceremony with a priest and guests around a campfire where the ex-partners bury their wedding rings.

Divorce ritual for the benefit of all

It is important that parents say a few personal, prepared words during the ceremony. «The ex-partner is thanked for the good and forgiven for the bad,» says Bianca. What is important is what parents promise their children during this short speech: «For example, that the love between the parents does not mean that the love for the children is lost.»

It is also important to take the guilt and responsibility away from the children. "Children often experience feelings of guilt and shame. That's why it helps to reassure them: 'It's not your fault, you can't change it and you don't have to do anything.

The advantage of rituals compared to promises that are only expressed in words is that they can be experienced. Images, gestures, symbols or experiences are more memorable than a few sentences at the family dinner table.

Another advantage: rituals are strong signals to the outside world. «Relatives and friends who might turn away out of insecurity realise that you can do it: They can do it.» Even if it's not an easy path, there are some strategies that can help parents get a grip on the most common harmful consequences of separation.

Something can be done to prevent conflicts with the partner as well as for your own well-being. By choosing a child-friendly custody solution, parents can also ensure that the child does not lose a parent as a result of the separation.

Whether a child ultimately copes with the situation of a patchwork family is a very individual question.

Living close together

The indirect consequences that a separation can have on the child should not be forgotten: Relocation, loss of acquaintances and often a new family. Moving house can be particularly bad for children because they are torn away from their social environment.

Many parents like the Benninger family therefore ensure that they live close to each other even after the separation. Good external communication - why not a divorce ritual - can also prevent relatives or acquaintances from turning away out of insecurity.

Whether a child ultimately copes with the situation of a patchwork family is a very individual question. Research at least shows that it is possible. After all, a «bonus dad» or a «bonus mum» can be just as beneficial for a child as new half-siblings. There is only one consequence of separation where good advice is expensive: single-parent households often get into financial difficulties, mostly single mothers.

The plight of single mothers

The reasons for the «economic decline» are that mothers were not working before the separation, or only part-time, and then suddenly become the main breadwinner in the family. This can hardly be prevented unless the caring and working relationships are split before the separation. Danielle Estermann from the SVAMV advises: «In the best case scenario, childcare should already be discussed when the child is on the way.»

Every family wants to stay together, preferably until the end of time. If they don't succeed, it feels like a failure. A happy ending despite separation seems unthinkable at first. If you are at this point, you should take the advice of paediatrician Remo Largo to heart, which is written down in the book «Glückliche Scheidungskinder».

His co-author Monika Czernin has just separated and is worried about what will happen to her daughter. Largo, who has been divorced for many years himself, says: «If you as parents continue to meet your daughter's needs adequately and are doing well after the separation, nothing will happen.»