«Child development does not have to conform to the norm»
Mrs Simoni, Mr Daum, Mr Jenni, most parents used to assume that their children would be better off than they were. Today, many parents fear that their children will not find a good job later on if they do not develop optimally from an early age. Do parents now think too much about their children's development?
Heidi Simoni: In principle, I welcome it when parents today think more about how their child is developing, what personality they have and what they need at what stage. This reflection becomes problematic when parents lose their bearings. The various guides, requirements and ideas about what you have to do and what you definitely shouldn't do sometimes create a great deal of confusion and uncertainty in everyday life with children.
Does this uncertainty lead to a kind of over-focussing on the welfare of the child?
Oskar Jenni: Over-focussing ... that sounds too negative to me. Most parents want to do a good job. Worrying and worrying about their children's future is not a new phenomenon; previous generations have done the same. What is new is that parents nowadays have to take responsibility for their children on their own, without the support of an extended family, and are expected to fulfil many educational and child-rearing tasks, while at the same time working and having a fulfilling relationship. The expectations placed on parents are very high and lead to feelings of worry, insecurity and sometimes excessive demands.
We need to encourage parents to trust their instincts and respond naturally to their children.
Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist
Moritz Daum: But the stress that many parents feel can be seen as an overreaction. It has to get out of the system! It can't be that parents no longer react naturally to their children's signals, but first want to look up in guidebook XY what a behaviour means and what the ideal reaction is. We need to encourage parents to trust their instincts. Reflection should not lead to somehow academicising everything.
However, many parenting guides are anything but academic and, on the contrary, provide quite specific instructions.
Daum: Counsellors always assume a standard child. They assume norm parents who look after a norm child who behaves in a non-normative way in a norm situation. And there is then a normative advice for this.
In reality, however, the diversity is immense: Mums and dads have very different backgrounds in terms of how they think, what they can do and what they can't do. Then there is the diversity of the children. It's a highly dynamic system! This cannot be covered by the very simple rules and tips that are often conveyed in advice literature.
One child can read at the age of five, another still doesn't like books at the age of eight. One child catches every ball, the other can't even throw at the same age. Many parents think that they can somehow equalise the differences in development through encouragement. But how much encouragement makes sense?
Simoni: In the first few years of life, it is particularly worthwhile pursuing the child's interests. When a child gains confidence in learning and notices a sense of achievement in something that really excites them, they will also venture into areas that they are less comfortable with. For example, if a socially anxious child gains self-confidence in one area, they may be better able to engage with other children.
Jenni: Developmental differences cannot be equalised through support. Children of the same age are very different. But that doesn't mean that parents simply have to watch. They should certainly be supportive of the children's interests, ask open questions and also provide stimuli, but always leave room for manoeuvre so that the children can develop independently. Parent-led support impairs the child's desire and drive to learn and develop.
How does human learning actually work, and do children and young people learn everything important along the way?
Simoni: Parents should create an environment that makes curious exploration easy. Children want to learn. They are highly interested, motivated and persistent even if they don't succeed at the first attempt. Young children keep at it when they want to discover or learn something. Parents must support this self-concept of «I can conquer something new».
Parents must always reflect critically on whether they are not imposing their own dreams on their child.
Oskar Jenni, developmental paediatrician
Jenni: When parents support their child's learning, it's not just about spending as much time as possible with them, but also being aware of when it's the right moment to interact with the child. I like to explain this using the two Greek gods Chronos and Kairos: Chronos, the god of the constant flow of time, represents the quantity of time, Kairos is the god of the right moment, the favourable opportunity. Sometimes Kairos is more important than Chronos. To catch the right moment, you have to be able to read the child and recognise its needs. And also accept when the child doesn't want to be accompanied and rejects an offer as inappropriate.
What happens if you send a child to dance, piano lessons or drawing classes anyway? Does over-encouragement accelerate or disrupt development?
Jenni: I would definitely listen to the child. Learning to play a musical instrument is a good example: If the child really wants to play the piano or violin but finds practising annoying, then you should draw their attention to it occasionally, but don't insist and force them to practise. If they no longer want to play the instrument, they won't enjoy going to music lessons as a result. However, if they keep at it, the urge to practise will increase at some point in the course of their development. As a mum or dad, you always have to think critically about whether you are not imposing your own dreams on your child.
Daum: Ultimately, we parents must allow our children to follow the path they choose and not obstruct it. Thoughts or even guidelines such as «You shouldn't become a journalist, but you should become a doctor because we are successful as doctors» are actually a no-go. It is beneficial for children's development if parents tolerate the uncertainty of what will happen in their children's lives and let them do it.
Are there any developmental steps that need to be actively encouraged?
Daum: You can promote a child's language acquisition well. It helps if you talk to the child a lot and let the child talk a lot in interactions. This is an important foundation for many things that come later. Language has an important influence on many different factors. School is based on language. We shape our relationships through language.
Simoni: However, this is not so much targeted support as letting the child discover the joy of communication and language in dialogue.
A chronically hostile argument between parents deeply unsettles and frightens children.
Heidi Simoni, developmental psychologist
Jenni: No, active encouragement is not necessary. Children are not influenced by specific measures, but in particular by the moods and attitudes of their carers. They also develop through observation and imitation. What is important is simply a reliable, available and loving environment.
So it is enough to let the children take part in the daily routines of life.
Daum: Children need opportunities. A rich environment. Language is one aspect. But the children should also be able to move around, they should be able to ponder from time to time, they should be allowed to roughhouse. And they should play games where they have to follow rules: Initially they should practise this in simple games, then in more complex games with rules in which they also have to control their emotions.
Creating a rich environment in which children can experience self-efficacy, even if it's just by having the desire to play football and then pursuing it, also helps their development. They then perceive themselves as an active member of their environment with which they interact.
How do you actually recognise a developmental delay - given all the individual dispositions?
Daum: As a parent, you are constantly confronted with the question: Is this still the right thing to do? This attention is certainly important. Because if there really is a disorder, for example in language acquisition or motor skills, it is very helpful if this is recognised early and then an attempt is made to provide the child with sound support. A visit to the paediatrician can also be a huge relief! As a young father, I sometimes went to the doctor, said that I thought something was strange and was then told: «But it's completely normal.» I then went home reassured and the symptom had disappeared.
Screen time is not the problem, it's the lack of interaction with parents.
Moritz Daum, developmental psychologist
Jenni: The term «developmental disorder» should only be used with caution. Development is particularly dynamic in early childhood. We developmental paediatricians prefer to speak of developmental abnormalities or developmental delays. A disorder is only present when a child is severely impaired, for example when they perform far below the norm in a development test. This only applies to a few children, the vast majority are within the normal range. It is not uncommon for false expectations of the environment to play a role. For example, if mum and dad are very sporty, they often expect their child to develop particularly well in terms of motor skills. If this is not the case, the child's movement development is perceived as abnormal.
What are the disruptive factors for healthy, normal development today?
Simoni : A chronically hostile argument between parents or other carers is really harmful. It frightens and unsettles children deeply. What's more, constant arguments take up so much of their attention that there is a lack of space and time for the children both internally and externally. This applies to very young children, but also to schoolchildren and adolescents.
Many parents ask themselves whether mobile phones, computer games and social media are generally harmful to development.
Jenni : It depends on the duration and circumstances of use. If the child only spends most of their time in the digital space and no longer enjoys activities with family or friends, then this is indeed problematic.
Simoni: If a child is busy with the iPad for two hours and spends the rest of their waking hours being active and playing outside with other children, this has a fundamentally different effect than if the iPad time is actually the only stimulation. However, I also know parents who have such a bad image of themselves that they even think that the iPad and corresponding games can offer the child more than they can.
Daum : This lack of interaction can be due to the fact that the parents are simply overloaded in their everyday lives. However, some simply don't feel like spending time with their child. Screen time is not the problem, it's the lack of interaction with the parents. However, it doesn't help if I spend a lot of time with the child and constantly shout at them because I'm so stressed. In that case, it's better for them to look at the screen and learn something than to have this negative experience.
But how should parents deal with the fact that their children can discover things on the screen that have a negative impact on their development? Many teenagers, for example, watch porn online even before they have had any experience of sexuality in real life.
Simoni: Children and young people can indeed discover sides of the world online that they would have been better off not seeing. That can be disturbing. Age-appropriate protective filters can help with younger children. But you shouldn't try to ban this content completely for older children. Excluding reality does not work.
Daum: It makes sense to establish a basis of trust and a culture of dialogue with your children, which then makes it easy for them to confide in their parents in difficult moments.
However, many young people shy away from talking to their parents. Should they be approached proactively?
Jenni: Even if teenagers don't seek contact of their own accord, you should always signal a willingness to talk. We parents remain important confidants even in adolescence, although new relationships outside the family become increasingly important and the children become detached. They seek dialogue with their mother or father if they have got into difficulties, experienced negative events or want to plan their future at school or at work. They therefore need opportunities for dialogue and the support of trusted adults, who should not try to influence them in their thoughts, feelings and goals.
Daum: My daughter came home at one in the morning and was visibly upset because something had gone wrong with her friends. Afterwards, she told me: «You know, Dad, the good thing was that you were just there and gave me a big hug.» I believe that this non-judgemental way of being is important for children of that age.
Can or should young people still be motivated to have experiences that they are sceptical about? For example, a stay abroad.
Daum: Something like that has to happen through dialogue. If I as a parent say to my teenager: «Hey you, six months in the USA, that would be great for you», and then he or she replies «No, for God's sake», then it would be wrong to say: «You'll be registered and I'll take you to the airport». But you can ask: «Why not? What would it take for you to dare?» After all, the experience of a year abroad can do a child a world of good because it promotes autonomy.
Simoni: You can also tell the child how you do it yourself in situations where you want to do something but don't dare. That can trigger something and help someone overcome obstacles. Dealing with this is more valuable than the pressure: «Yes, it's good for you.» It's also important to remember that children differ in temperament, how they explore the world and how they take the next steps. Encouragement is helpful, forcing is counterproductive.
What would you like parents to pay more attention to when accompanying their children?
Daum: It would be helpful if normative ideas were used less and less as a yardstick. What was good for me and worked for me doesn't necessarily have to be the right thing for my child's development.
Simoni: I want parents who are curious about their child. Attentive guidance holds many discoveries and surprises in store. So watch with interest: How does this child enter the world? What makes it special? And how does it make its experiences?
Jenni: I want parents who are relaxed, open, adaptable, self-critical and aware of their role as a role model. I also recommend savouring the many beautiful moments of childhood, because they pass quickly. I can say that from my own experience.
Daum: You can also trust the child's development. Children have so much curiosity and self-development instinct that our grandparents' motto, which was often used in earlier times, still applies: Es chunnt scho guet. It will be fine.
