Bullying: «She stinks, wears the wrong clothes and is stupid»

It all started in 2013 towards the end of third grade. Our daughter came home crying more and more often. She stopped socialising with other children and said that her classmates were always calling her names. Over time, they kept hiding things from her or throwing them away. Eventually the attacks also became physical, for example stones were thrown at her. At first, the attacks only came from individuals. Eventually it was the whole class. She was also insulted more and more often during lessons. The teacher's entries in the contact book became more frequent: «She's disrupting lessons», «She's shouting», «She's loud». Our daughter became increasingly bad-tempered and when we spoke to her about it, she blamed everyone but herself.

Daughter crawled more and more into her shell

At first we tried to talk to her about passive behaviour, we also tried to find fault with her. We kept telling her that it would pass and advised her to take a step back and get out of the line of fire, move away and avoid these children. But this turned out to be very difficult. But the more intense the bullying became, the more active we became.

We tried to talk to the teacher several times. She thought we were exaggerating the situation. She had been a teacher for so long and would already recognise such problems. The teacher was about to retire and I think she just wanted a quiet exit. So I'm not going to lump all the teachers together, because we actually have a good relationship with the teachers and the school management.

In the spring of 2014, we realised that our daughter was increasingly hiding away in her shell. During the holidays, she didn't want to meet anyone, only went to the cellar to do handicrafts or hid in her room. Only a few times did a girl three years younger than her manage to get her outside to play. As the holidays drew to a close, she began to have trouble sleeping. She could no longer fall asleep, had nightmares or was awake again after two hours of sleep. Her moods got worse and worse. We sat down with our daughter again and talked. She asked us to let her change schools - a boarding school, but not back to class. We promised her that we would get in touch with the teacher again.

«Ah, the difficult mum is coming».

The daughter's class teacher

However, the conversation didn't achieve much, so I took a different route. I called the school social worker and she made an appointment with me. The school social worker regularly picked up our daughter with various schoolmates and had conversations to talk to the children about the problems and look for solutions. We parents were kept informed about the discussions. Unfortunately, it didn't help. When a school camp was announced, we experienced our daughter in a way we had never experienced before. She didn't want to go to camp, even though she had already been to many scout camps. So I decided to visit the teacher. I was greeted with the words «Ah, the difficult mum is coming». What a turn-on! I voiced my daughter's concerns and said that she was becoming increasingly isolated and was now being bullied by the whole class. The teacher dismissed this as humbug and wanted to prove to me that our daughter was playing with the other girls during the break. She went looking for my daughter and found her reading alone.

The attacks increased

We agreed that our daughter would decide after the holidays whether she would go to school with the parallel class or go to camp. We parents talked a lot with our daughter and tried to ask a sandpit friend of hers, who was also in the same class, for help. Then the camp came and our daughter went along, there were no incidents worth mentioning. But after the class camp, everything suddenly got worse, so much so that people started writing in friendship books: 'My hobbies: hitting them, beating them up. My goals: to murder them, to finish them off, etc. When I saw this, my world collapsed and I was just furious.

«I would love to belong, be accepted and have friends»

The daughter

The attacks increased until one pupil even threw her glasses on the floor and they had to be replaced. At some point, not even her sandpit friend could help her, as she was now being shunned herself. Once the class was talking about bullying and how my daughter was doing. The teacher asked what my daughter was doing wrong and what was right. My daughter had to be present. The «result»? She stinks, wears the wrong clothes, isn't «in», screams, is stupid, etc. In the evening, she cried herself to sleep. This and our daughter's increasingly poor school performance and state of mind prompted us to apply for a voluntary grade repetition in the winter of 2014/2015.

The school social worker and the school psychologist helped us further. We submitted the repetition request at our daughter's express wish. Her words were: «I would love to belong, be accepted and have friends. Maybe then I'll be able to keep up with the school curriculum. School is no fun like this.»

Due to the long period of bullying, her self-esteem and self-confidence were almost non-existent. She no longer dated her classmates. She used to try again and again, but at some point she no longer liked it. When she did play outside, it was only with small children. Her carefree, happy, cheerful nature was only visible during the holidays.

After changing schools, things went steeply uphill for our daughter

Then there were also health problems. She was often unable to fall asleep at night. The lack of sleep is neither good for her concentration nor for her health. As parents, we understood our daughter and supported her. She wanted a fresh start in a new class and we thought it was worth a try to see our child happy again.

For us, academic performance is of secondary importance. We believe that these are very much linked to class development. We want our child to have the chance to lead a normal, social, happy and healthy life. After the change of school, things went uphill for our daughter, she has friends and goes out and does things again. Her school grades have also visibly improved.

Changing schools was the best solution for everyone. At first, the bullying pushed us apart as a family. My husband and I had more and more arguments about our daughter's behaviour. It was only when she made it clear that she would no longer go to school and we had written the repetition request that our family life normalised. We have grown closer together and now talk openly about our feelings and moods.

* Name known to the editors